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Should young people work or travel for a year before starting university?
  Topic ID 531
August 1, 2012
12:25 pm
Member
Forum Posts: 67
Member Since:
July 16, 2012
Offline
1   Post ID 1970
0

In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies.  Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decide to do this. 


Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.  Write at least 250 words.

Nowadays, youths have variety of choices when they graduate from senior school due to the developing society. Whether continue study or have a rest (such as travel or work) has provoked the topic of discussion. In this essay, I will discuss both pros and cons, and my own perspective of this topic.

There are some reasons why adolescents should be encouraged to work or travel after they finish their tertiary education. In the first place, travelling and working increase the experiences of themselves. Be it further study or work, these experiences would assist in their future lives. The social experience is priceless, which cannot learn from classes. Refreshing from the intense study is also important. For instance, in my country, the competition between students is extremely fierce. Youngsters need a break to improve the efficiency of study. Meeting new people is another element. Humanity need communicate with others to maintain vitality.

To contrast, some drawbacks exist as well. Most parents are reluctant to let their children escape study for a year, it is just waste of time. One year is too long to rest, it jeopardize the capacity of learning. Furthermore, despite of most senior graduates are adults, they are not mature enough to face difficulties independently. They are no incredulous to others, the ability of discrimination is weak. There is another phenomenon. Some students do not want to study any more when they finish their vacation or internship. They are satisfied with their temporary situations and do not want to change again. Frequently, the disposable income of senior school graduates cannot fulfill their survival needs; therefore, low degree individuals should improve their knowledge at first.

Overall, there are both good reasons for and against students travel for a year after graduate from high school. In my opinion, knowledge is important, however, experience is much more indispensable. They are adults, they are able to decide their own future. Thus, I believe students should be encouraged to have a break for one year to increase their experiences.

Text Statistics
No. of sentences 25
No. of words 336
No. of complex words 54
Percent of complex words 16.07%
Average words per sentence 13.44
Average syllables per word 1.61

 

Hey, Enda, I am so sorry I wrote it a bit long which alredy 350 words. This is my mistake.

I really want to know if just evaluate this essay, can I achieve band 6 in part 2? What I should be careful when I am writing essays?

Thanks so much.

Best regards.

August 3, 2012
7:34 pm
writefix
Guest
2  Post ID 2004
5

Hi David

This essay was posted on August 1, and I can’t remember whether you were able to see comments I wrote on your earlier essays. There are still many common errors which I will highlight here so if I repeat myself, hopefully it will be for the last time!

Generic, standardized, tired phrases

These need to go. They add nothing and many are not used correctly

  • Whether…X.. has provoked the topic of discussion
  • To contrast, some drawbacks exist as well
  • Overall, there are both good reasons for and against X
  • In this essay, I will discuss both pros and cons, and my own perspective of this topic.

You can see more examples of tired old phrases and generic sentences here and here. Just learn them, say thank you to your teacher, and then forget them.

Introduction

Where is the main idea of the question? We hear about the ‘developing society’ (irrelevant). We hear about ‘provoked discussion’ (standardized generic irrelevant phrase, used wrongly). But we don’t read about the year studying or traveling. What is this year mentioned in the essay? Can you define it? Instead of standard phrases like ‘pros and cons’ you could introduce your essay in various more interesting ways

  • Defining key terms and describing the situation
  • Comparing the past and present
  • Comparing your country and other countries
  • Comparing your experience and your friends’ experiences
  • Giving your opinion and other people’s opinion
  • Giving some advantages and some disadvantages -  outlining the problem

Finally, your thesis sentence should give your opinion and even signpost how the essay will be laid out paragraph-by-paragraph to the reader.

Paragraph Two/Three

There’s a mistake in Paragraph Two’s topic sentence (the question specifies ‘between high school and college’). But after that, your essay improves a lot here and in Paragraph Three.  Yes, there are some grammar and word choice errors, but I won’t go into them here. The organization and ideas are fine and mostly clear, and most importantly, they sound like your own words and ideas. Good!

Your sentences are a little choppy: after the topic sentence in Paragraph Two, the average number of words per sentence is only 10. This is too short. Yes, I know I usually say that most people need shorter sentences, but here you need to have a variety of structures. Add some longer sentences and some short ones: don’t have all short.

Conclusion

You wrote:

Overall, there are both good reasons for and against students travel for a year after graduate from high school. (19 words)

What are they? Your conclusion is supposed to be a summary. Specify! Summarize. Instead of wasting time saying “there are good reasons for and against” write:

Although a gap year can be refreshing and increase maturity, many students cannot afford it and it can affect their learning.  (21 words)

Punctuation

You have several comma splices in your essay. (Read more about Comma Splices.)

  • They are no incredulous to others, the ability of discrimination is weak.
  • One year is too long to rest, it jeopardize the capacity of learning.
  • The social experience is priceless, which cannot learn from classes.

Look up comma splices on Google, or else rewrite, perhaps with conjunctions or as separate sentences, so that there is no comma.

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