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Is education for the well-being of the individual or for the benefit of society?
  Topic ID 348
June 3, 2012
10:42 am
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Forum Posts: 42
Member Since:
December 28, 2011
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1   Post ID 1227
5

It is generally believed that education is of vital importance to individual development and the well-being of societies. What should education consist of to fulfill both these functions?


 

Education is becoming an essential part of the development of societies. It is regarded as the driving force behind scientific and technological advance and the pathway to economic prosperity. This essay will discuss some valuable benefits of education to individuals as well as the society as a whole.

Firstly, education provides general knowledge as well as specialized knowledge to learners. Initially, individuals are required to complete different courses, ranging from primary school, secondary school and high school.  These courses provide students with basic knowledge from different areas such as mathematics and literature. After finishing high school, many students choose to continue their studies at university which provides them specialized knowledge about their chosen major. Most students believe that this is an important step to prepare for their professional career.

Secondly, education also helps to identify talented people during their childhood. These students will then be encouraged to attend some special training courses to nurture their talents. Therefore, they may have higher chance to become future researchers or scientists when they reach their maturity. Meanwhile, the societies can also receive valuable benefits because those talented people can invent new products and machines for the industry.

Furthermore, education can also increase mutual understanding among people from different cultures. For example, learning a new language can bring more opportunities for people from different countries to communicate with each other. Meanwhile, modern technologies such as the availability of the internet and mobile phone have created more chances for individuals to access to new information. With an intermediate level of English as well as some internet skills, people from different countries might be able to share knowledge to each other through the internet without travelling. This can make it easier for underdeveloped countries to learn new technologies from developed countries in order to apply them into their own industry.

All in all, it is obvious that individuals and societies can receive many benefits from education. Education provides knowledge to individuals, nurtures talented people and increases understanding among people from all over the world.    


June 13, 2012
7:22 pm
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Forum Posts: 42
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December 28, 2011
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2  Post ID 1366
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Could anyone give some comments about my essay? I'll take the exam this Saturday so I'm very appreciated your help!

Thanks in advance!

June 13, 2012
9:36 pm
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Forum Posts: 22
Member Since:
May 20, 2012
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3  Post ID 1368
0

Hello Tommy,

I really enjoy your writing. It really esay to follow. I've notice you developt it from a small scale ( indiviual ) to a large ones ( society) with a clear level. Overall, it's very logical and well developt essay. I just marked a few words maybe you would like to repharse it when you need to mention it serveral times to advoid repeatition.

Very well done!! Can't wait to see your next post!!

 

Topic: It is generally believe that education is of vital importance to individual development and the well-being of societies. What should education consist of to fulfil both these functions?

 

Solution:

 

Education is becoming an essential part of the development of societies. It is regarded as the driving force behind scientific and technological advance and the pathway to economic prosperity. This essay will discuss some valuable benefits of education to individuals as well as the society as a whole.

 

Firstly, education provides general knowledge as well as specialized knowledge to learners. Initially, individuals are required to complete different courses, ranging from primary school, secondary school and high school.  These courses provide students with basic knowledge from different areas such as mathematics and literature. After finishing high school, many students choose to continue their studies at university which provides them specialized knowledge about their chosen major. Most students believe that this is an important step to prepare for their professional career.

 

Secondly, education also helps to identify talented people during their childhood. These students will then be encouraged to attend some special training courses to nurture their talents. Therefore, they may have higher chance to become future researchers or scientists when they reach their maturity. Meanwhile, the societies can also receive valuable benefits because those talented people can invent new products and machines for the industry.

 

Furthermore, education can also increase mutual understanding among people from different cultures. For example, learning a new language can bring more opportunities for people from different countries to communicate with each other. Meanwhile, modern technologies such as the availability of the internet and mobile phone have created more chances for individuals to access to new information. With an intermediate level of English as well as and ( I choose to use " and" here because i notice you've repeat using "as well as" ) some internet skills, people from different countries might be able to share knowledge to each other through the internet without travelling. This can make it easier for underdeveloped countries to learn new technologies from developed countries ( nations ) in order to apply them into their own industry.

 

All in all, it is obvious that individuals and societies can receive many benefits from education. Education provides knowledge to individuals, nurtures talented (gifted) people and increases understanding among people from all over the world.    


June 13, 2012
11:42 pm
writefix
Guest
4  Post ID 1372
0

Hi Tommy

Sorry I hadn’t seen your essay. The number of posts is growing so if you don’t reply to an essay it’s kind of hard to find a week later!

I wish there was a way to sort by number of replies. Thanks for the bump anyway, and big thanks to Shieiuan for her reply and comments!

Introduction

I would try to avoid ‘is becoming’ in your first sentence:

Education is becoming an essential part of the development of societies.

Your introduction is off-topic. Your thesis sentence (I am glad you have one) states that you are going to describe the benefits of education, but the question asks you to differentiate between education for the individual and education for the benefit of society.  An examiner would begin to worry here.

Let's have a look at the question again:

It is generally believed that education is of vital importance to individual development and the well-being of societies. What should education consist of to fulfill both these functions?

This is a two-part essay –  you have to distinguish between education for individuals and education for society. Education for individuals means helping people to achieve their maximum in their particular skills, not making education the same for everyone. Education for society means stressing harmony and giving some standard skills to everyone, but making the needs of society more important than individual needs. 

Here’s a rewrite to bring it closer to the topic

Education is an essential part of the development of society and a driving force for economic prosperity. However, should it focus on developing the individual or should it aim to produce a better society? This essay will discuss how these two goals can be achieved.

Your second paragraph is definitely off topic. It’s perfect according to your thesis sentence, but off topic according to the question.  There are no problems with it grammatically or in structure but it’s off-topic.

The third paragraph is more related to the topic. You are basically saying that education helps to identify talented people who will spearhead the development of their society. This is possibly related, but you would need to relate it to the question.

Your third paragraph suggests that education helps bring people together, through technology and the teaching of language. This is nice, but again we need to see a strong topic sentence which is related to the topic.  

Your first sentence in the conclusion, on the other hand,  is very closely related to the topic, and the examiner will begin to hope again for a good conclusion to save the essay. But the last sentence again just mentions the benefits of education – it summarizes the points in your paragraphs and goes back to your thesis. Great -  but the thesis is off topic!

In my opinion, the essay topic is asking writers to differentiate between educating individuals to their fullest potential and educating a mass of workers and future employees. Does the state really want people who think differently or possibly criticize government policies or unjust economic structures?  Do employers really want people who think for themselves, or do they want people who are ready to operate machines or click buttons without thinking? What is the point of teaching people to be amazing violinists or neurosurgeons, if the government just needs cheap labour or soldiers? 

That’s my interpretation of the question. If people were to be educated to their fullest individual potential, we would have fewer engineering and medical schools, and more music, art and drama classes. We would have more brilliant people, and more happy people, but fewer workers to do the boring jobs.

I haven’t seen this question and it’s a tough one to answer, but that’s my interpretation of it. Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under  Task Response for ‘off-topic’ or ‘unrelated’ -  as you can see it’s one of the most serious errors in IELTS.

 Hope it’s not too disappointing! 

Thanks for Shieiuan for her comments. She is right –  your essay is easy to read, but that won't save you if it's off topic. The absolute first thing you have got to do is make sure you answer the question. To be honest, it doesn't happen very often that candidates misunderstand the topic, but it's sad when it does happen.

June 14, 2012
9:26 am
Member
Forum Posts: 22
Member Since:
May 20, 2012
Offline
5  Post ID 1373
0

 I didin't realize the essay is off topic. I should pay to attention to if the question has been answered properly, instead of focusing on if the essay is easy to read or too much gammar problem when next time I read others posts.

 

Thanks to Writefix for giving me this great lesson.

June 17, 2012
6:10 pm
Member
Forum Posts: 42
Member Since:
December 28, 2011
Offline
6  Post ID 1436
0

Thanks a lot for your comments. I hope that I did not repeat those mistakes in the exam which I completed yesterday. This is quite serious!

Hi Enda, this time I did quite well in speaking ( according to my feeling), and my worries turn to writing. I was a bit dissapointed after finishing the writing test. Anyway, I'll let you know my results 2 weeks later. I hope that I will pass the test this time, but I still need to continue practice. 

June 17, 2012
6:43 pm
writefix
Guest
7  Post ID 1437
0

Thanks Tommy

Wishing you the best. You've worked very hard here. 

Take a break for a couple of weeks. Fingers crossed for a great score!

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