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Could people be free to do everything they want?
  Topic ID 127
March 2, 2012
9:00 am
Dongguan, China
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Forum Posts: 93
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March 2, 2012
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1   Post ID 364
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Society is based on rules and laws. It could not function well if individuals were free to do as they please. To what extent do you agree or disagree?


People are all taught to in compliance with rules and laws since they start to attend to school, as the world would get messy if whatever they do are not illegal.

In the past, some liberals have claimed that public should be given the right to anything, I think that is impossible to happen. That is because, chiefly, only when there are no any others infringes a person’s right that his demand can be satisfied and he can be pleased. To be specific, imaging A is eating, suddenly, B comes and grabs A’s food then throws away, could A be happy? Obviously not. In other words, we gain much more freedom through restricting some certain freedom.

In terms of the security of society, government publishes the rules and laws to establish a stable circumstance. Crime rate decreases with strict laws. And if there is no laws around our world, some people would commit a crime without worried about punished by the laws. Rules and laws enable citizen to live in more comfortable. people do not have to concern about getting hurt by the criminal all day long, which makes them could focus on their studies, careers, enjoy making new friends, staying with families and many other entertainments.

Freedom restricted, some citizen feel they are tied by the rules and laws, and they are frustrated. Consider that Chinese cannot say anything they wish in this country for example, people sometimes are bothered with this. But that is not to say, the issue is not correct. Since the government does this to prevent situation from falling into chaos.

To conclude, the society do need the rules and laws as the cornerstone to ensure it work efficiently and effectively, and operate well. What is more important, it is also the measure to ensure individuals to have the equitable rights and enjoy the lives

March 2, 2012
1:18 pm
writefix
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2  Post ID 366
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Hello Alison and welcome to Writefix!

Thanks for this essay. Overall, the organization is clear. You have two paragraphs in your introduction, which is unusual. Paragraph 3 gives the benefits of control, Paragraph 4 looks at the need for freedom of expression, and Paragraph 5 is the conclusion, which summarizes your ideas.

Introduction

You wrote:

People are all taught to in compliance with rules and laws since they start to attend to school, as the world would get messy if whatever they do are not illegal.
In the past, some liberals have claimed that public should be given the right to anything, I think that is impossible to happen. That is because, chiefly, only when there are no any others infringes a person’s right that his demand can be satisfied and he can be pleased. To be specific, imaging A is eating, suddenly, B comes and grabs A’s food then throws away, could A be happy? Obviously not. In other words, we gain much more freedom through restricting some certain freedom.

I would:

  • join these two paragraphs together
  • shorten the introduction
  • give the two sides (for and against some control)
  • get to the point more quickly by having a thesis sentence –  a sentence which says what you will discuss in the essay
Here's one possible rewrite:
Most people obey rules and laws and feel that the world would fall apart if people could do everything they wanted. Some liberals, however, claim that the public should be given the right to do anything. I think that is impossible. In this essay, I will explain why I believe we actually gain more freedom through restricting some freedom.
This is an interesting idea!
Sentence Structure: Comma Splices, Fragments

You have some problems in this essay with sentence structure. Some of your sentences are fragments and some are run-ons (sentences which should be separate). Here are some examples:

  1. Freedom restricted, some citizen feel they are tied by the rules and laws.
  2. But that is not to say, the issue is not correct.
  3. Consider that Chinese cannot say anything they wish in this country for example, people sometimes are bothered with this. 
  4. Since the government does this to prevent situation from falling into chaos.
  5. To be specific, imaging A is eating, suddenly, B comes and grabs A’s food then throws away, could A be happy?

 Here are some possible rewrites:

  1. Some citizens feel tied or trapped when certain freedoms are restricted.  OR   It is natural sometimes to be annoyed when some freedoms are limited.
  2. But that is not to say that the government policy is incorrect.
  3. Consider China. Sometimes people are bothered when they cannot say everything they want.
  4. The government does this to prevent the situation from falling into chaos.
  5. Imagine A is eating. Suddenly, B comes and grabs A's food and throws it away. Could A be happy?

Grammar, Vocab Points

There are some grammar and vocabulary points, especially in word form. Make sure you have the right form (noun, verb adjective, etc)

  • People are all taught to in compliance with rules ==> People are all taught to comply with rules.
  • The world would get messy if whatever they do are not illegal ==> The world would get messy if everybody started to act illegally (?)
  • Only when there are no any others infringes a person’s right that his demand can be satisfied and he can be pleased ==> People are happy when others do not infringe their basic rights. 
  • Rules and laws enable citizen to live in more comfortable. ==> Rules and laws enable citizens to live in comfort / to live more comfortably.
  • People do not have to concern about getting hurt  ==> People do not have to be concerned about getting hurt
  • The society do need the rules and laws as the cornerstone to ensure it work efficiently and effectively, and operate well.  ==> Society needs a solid basis of rules and laws to ensure it works efficiently. 

Some good ideas and organization and some very effective sentences. Please post again and feel free to comment on other essays here!

March 2, 2012
3:39 pm
Dongguan, China
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Forum Posts: 93
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March 2, 2012
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3  Post ID 367
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I really appreciate for your help. You offer free tutoring to help us with English writing, and the comments are really helpful.

 

 In my area, the teachers charged  for revising the compositions, no one are willing to offer help for free. Sometimes the charge is extremely high. But what is the worst part, some of them revise compositions in a perfunctory way.

 

I think you are very kind and enthusiastic. You gave some detailed advises and indicated the wrong sentence structures I have made, which brought me some inspiration and guide in my latter writing. Besides, because I made a lot of sentences and it might add your work, I feel a little embarrassed. All in all, thank you again.

 

by the way, this sentense: Society needs a solid basis of rules and laws to ensure it works efficiently

if I want to emphasize the effect of this sentence, could I add " does" in it? Like: Society does need a solid basis of rules and laws to ensure it works efficiently

March 2, 2012
7:16 pm
writefix
Guest
4   Post ID 368
0

Hi Alison

Thanks for your very kind words! It's easy -  and fun – to help people who are interested and hardworking!

You are right – sometimes 'does' gives strength to a sentence. It's used when you want to emphasize the idea, particularly after a negative. For example:

  • Technology doesn't solve all the world's problems, but it does make life easier.
  • A society does not benefit from repression and harsh state control, but it does need a solid basis of rules and laws to ensure it works efficiently.
  • Having age limits for movies does not prevent adults from viewing what they want, but it does help protect children.
Here are some examples from a BBC website:
 
do / does : emphatic use
We do not normally use do or does in affirmative sentences, but we can use them for emotive or contrastive emphasis when we feel strongly about something:

  • She thinks he doesn't love her, but he does love her. He really does!
  • You do look pretty in that new outfit! Quite stunning!
  • Are you all right? You do look a bit pale. Do please sit down.
  • I don't see very much of my old friends now, but I do still email them.
  • Was that a joke? I do believe you're teasing me!
When we are using the auxiliaries do and does for contrastive or emotive emphasis like this, we give them extra stress in pronunciation to make them sound louder, longer or higher in tone. When you see these words in print used in this way, they will normally be in italics or bold type or in CAPITAL LETTERS. Practise saying the sentences above with extra word stress on do and does.
Hope that helps! And again, thanks for your very kind reply!
March 3, 2012
5:47 am
Dongguan, China
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Forum Posts: 93
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March 2, 2012
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5  Post ID 370
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Thank you very much, it is very full and detailed. In the past, I though the emphatic "do" and "does" could be used in every sentence, now through your abundant examples, I get the point.

March 6, 2012
1:53 am
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February 7, 2012
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6  Post ID 398
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Thanks Very Much for the corrections of this essay! I'm pretty sure it will help us all to not commit this errors and write a little bit better our essays …

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