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Do modern lifestyles mean less time for parents with their children?
  Topic ID 466
July 14, 2012
2:15 am
Member
Forum Posts: 32
Member Since:
July 13, 2012
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1   Post ID 1751
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IELTS Writing Sample #157
Thursday, 14 June 2012
Modern lifestyles mean that many parents have little time for their children. Many children suffer because they do not get as much attention from their parents as children did in the past.
Do you agree or disagree? Write at least 250 words.

Some people think that the new vivid lifestyle help parents to provide better quality of life for their children. However, the majority of people belive that the new machinery lifestyle leaves not much space for parents to care their children. This essay is going to challenges both ideas.

The new consumary lifestyle demands both parents to work hard outside home. Probably this is the most obvious impact of our modern society. This phenamenon has become very popular in recent decades because many parents could be able to provide better lives for their children by improving the economy of the family. Children can learn many things at kindergartens where they are normally sent to by their parents at the very early stages of their life. This is also very supportive by people who prefer their children to enter the society at childhood and grow up in a more dynamic environment rather than in the limitation of a family. However being very widespread, the recent way of living would slowly hurt the necessary attention the children shall receive from their parents.

 
On the flip side, parents who have to work hard outside home have normally lack of time to interact with their children. They definitely have much responsiblity at work and they are possibly under work pressure. As a result, they should be very exhausted after a tedious daywork and thus there is no more energy to put to their children. The childhood ages demands lot of parential attentions to develop a healthy character inside a person. However the modern lifestyle on the contrary, leaves no time for the parents to care their children the way it should be. Children usually get depressed and react this flaw by committing juvenile crimes at the worst level however.

 
According to many reports, juvenile delinquency inside adults who grow up with less parential attention is far more comparing to those who have had their parent’s attention. Therefore the modern lifestyle would not help in any way in favour of children receving more attention from their parents.

July 14, 2012
2:16 am
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Forum Posts: 32
Member Since:
July 13, 2012
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2  Post ID 1752
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*** Hello guys ***

Thanks in advance for your attention.

I would be very happy if you show me my mistakes.

Cheers

Reza

July 16, 2012
4:42 pm
writefix
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3   Post ID 1772
0

Hi Reza and welcome to Writefix

Here's a few comments on your essay.

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

  • the new vivid lifestyle
  • the new machinery lifestyle
  • the new consumary lifestyle
  • leaves not much space for parents  → does not leave much space for parents
  • for parents to care their children → for parents to care for their children
  • This is also very supportive by people → This idea is also supported by people who say…
  • parents who have to work hard outside home have normally lack of time → parents who have to work hard outside home normally have a lack of time   OR   parents who have to work hard outside the home lack time to…
  • there is no more energy to put to their children → they have no more energy for their children   OR they have no more energy to devote to their children
  • The childhood ages demands lot of parential attentions to develop a healthy character inside a person.  (17 words) →  Children need a lot of parental attention in order to develop properly. (12 words)
  • Children usually get depressed and react this flaw → Children usually get depressed and react to this absence of parental care

Organization

Your organization is fine until the conclusion. You wrote:

According to many reports, juvenile delinquency inside adults who grow up with less parential attention is far more comparing to those who have had their parent’s attention

This sentence needs to move to the body.  Don’t add any new information in the conclusion. You can read more about conclusions here.

Shorten/Simplify

You wrote:

  • Therefore the modern lifestyle would not help in any way in favour of children receving more attention from their parents. (20 words)

Here’s one possible rewrite:

Therefore the modern lifestyle does not help children to get enough attention from their parents. (15 words)

Coherence and Cohesion

You wrote:

However being very widespread, the recent way of living would slowly hurt the necessary attention

The link is not clear here between ‘being widespread’ and ‘slowly hurt.’ Here’s one possible rewrite:

However, as more and more parents work outside the home, children will receive less and less attention from their parents.

Avoid Generalizations

You wrote:

Children usually get depressed and react this flaw by committing juvenile crimes at the worst level however.

Do all children of working parents commit serious crimes? Just add 'some' and the sentence will be OK.

Avoid generalizations: Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Task Response.

Layout

Overall, the layout is fine. You thesis sentence needs work: it could be in a million essays:

This essay is going to challenges both ideas.

You should rewrite this to make it specific to the topic. In any case, did you really challenge both ideas?!

Word Count

Your essay is over 340 words long. This is too long. Try to get down to about 300 maximum and it will be stronger. There are many words you could remove:

parents who have to work hard outside home have normally lack of time to interact with their children. They definitely have much responsiblity and pressure at work and they are possibly under work pressure. As a result, they should be are very exhausted after a tedious daywork and thus there is no more  have no energy to put to for their children. 

Your version: 56 words. Without the underlined words: 37 words.

This means more words are available for extra ideas, and you have more time to choose the correct words and fix errors. Shorten and simplify whenever you can!

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