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Prison or community service? (IELTS Topic)
  Topic ID 318
May 21, 2012
11:12 pm
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Some people think lawbreakers should be sent to prison. Others, however, think that there are better alternative (for example, being made to do work which benefits the local community) for these whose crime are minor.
Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

 

Nowadays, some people argue that petty crime should be sent to jail. Others, however, maintain that unimportant crime can be accepted by others alternative ways such as community service which help the locals. In this essay, I will analyze the reasons why people think convicts should send to prison and why convicts can do community service.

According to people's safety, they trust that offenders are potential threats in society, namely fraud, thieves, and numerous lawbreakers. Take ex-convicts for example. People show sufficient evidences that indicate a high rate of re-commitment among ex-convict which is the sources of the crime problems whether is major or minor.

On the other hand, while the crime is punished it yet increases. Authorities have to start with rehabilitation.  People believe that prisoner is human, and they own their options to reform their guilt. Take rehabilitation for example. Building and managing the jail is a heavy financial burden on the government. It is cost-effective that adjust criminal by requesting them to do community service. This helps to reduce the strains on the government.
Besides, there are a lot of groups of juvenile delinquency in society. People should encourage effective measures which government can adopt to re-educate them in spite of locking to jail.

In my view, I believe that both sides have their own purposes, but people need to respect the common good of the public. However, the most important thing is that protecting and safeguarding the balance of crime should work together both citizens and governments. Although the long terms jail can serve as a deterrent to prevent the crime rate, people need to leave some mercy and humanitarian on prisoners.

May 22, 2012
9:17 am
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hi Nick,

you mainly use complex and long sentences. you should use more simple and short sentences to clearly express your ideas.

you should use more linking works to make your writing coherent.

that is my idea, let me know if you have any opinions about my comments.

hopefully, you find it useful

best wishes,


 

Nowadays, some people argue that petty crimes should be sent to jail. Others, however, maintain that unimportant crimes which can be accepted tolerated by others should have alternative ways punishments;  such s  community service which help the locals. In this essay, I will analyze the reasons why people think convicts should send to prison and why convicts can do community service.

According to people's safety, they on one hand, Many people trust that offenders such as fraud, thieves, and numerous lawbreakers are potential threats to the safety of in society, namely fraud, thieves, and numerous lawbreakers. Take ex-convicts for example, people show sufficient evidences it is evident that indicate a high rate of re-commitment among ex-convict which is the sources of the crime problems whether is major or minor.

On the other hand, while the crime which is punished it yet still increases. Therefore, Authorities have to start with rehabilitation.  Many People believe(or claim, suggest) that prisoners is are human beings, and so they own (or possess) their options to reform their guilt. Take rehabilitation for example, moreover, Building and managing the jail is a are heavy financial burdens on the government. It is cost-effective that to adjust criminals by requesting them to do community service. therefore, This helps to reduce the strains on the government. Besides, there are a lot of many groups of juvenile delinquency in society. People should encourage effective measures which government can adopt to in fact, home and school educations are more effective to re-educate them in spite of than locking them to jail.

In conclusion my view, I believe that both sides have their own reasons for their choice purposes, but I believe that people need to respect the common good benefits of the public. However, the most important thing is that protecting and safeguarding the balance of crime are the most important things should work together both citizens and governments. Although the long terms jail can serve as a deterrent to prevent the crime rate, people need to leave some mercy and humanitarian on prisoners.

..........move forward and succeed.............
May 22, 2012
9:50 pm
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Nick said

Some people think lawbreakers should be sent to prison. Others, however, think that there are better alternative (for example, being made to do work which benefits the local community) for these whose crime are minor.
Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

 

Nowadays, some people argue that petty crime criminals should be sent to jail. Others, however, maintain quote that unimportant crimes can be accepted solved by others alternative ways such as community service which may benefit help the locals. In this essay, I will analyze the reasons why people think where convicts should be send to prison and why where convicts can do community service.

According to For people's safety, they trust that potential offenders are potential threats in society, namely those who did fraud,robbery thieves, and other major crimes numerous lawbreakers should be penalized severely. For example ;take the case of ex-convicts for example. People show Sufficient evidences that indicated that a high rate of re-commitment is seen among ex-convict which who is the sources of the various crime problems whether it is a major or minor crime.(You have confused your data by mentioning minor crimes, before beginning it might help you to think primarily  about each of the body paragraphs )

On the other hand, while the crime is punished it yet increases.(This line did not link with the topics second point of view)  Authorities have to start with rehabilitation.(Frame a better line ,make it simple but it should convey the meaning)  People believe that a prisoner is also a human, and they own their  should be given an options to reform their guilt. Take rehabilitation for example.(Repetition of content). Other than this building and managing the jail is lays a heavy financial burden on the government. It The former  is cost-effective that adjust where criminals by requesting them can be compelled and motivated to do community service. This helps to reduce the strains on the government.
Besides, there are a lot number of groups of  which have been formed to fight against juvenile delinquency, in society. People should encourage the government to take effective measures which government can adopt like to re-educate re educating them in spite of locking to them in jail.

In my view, I believe that both sides have their own purposes pros and cons,but people need to respect the common good implement adequate step for the good of the public. However, the most important thing is that protecting and safeguarding the balance of crime should work together both citizens and governments. Although the long terms jail can serve as a deterrent to prevent the crime rate, people need to leave have some mercy and humanitarian pity on prisoners.(Conclusion should be based on body paragraphs)

Note:Suggestion which might help you, slightly put in effort by dividing content,then make sentences simple but meaningful with examples to help you out

May 24, 2012
7:53 am
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hello,

here is my essay for this topic,

hope to receive your comments for improvement.

thank you.

 

Nowadays, the number of crime is rapidly increasing. Many people indicate that all the lawbreakers should be sent into jail. In this essay, I will explain the reasons why we should have some alternative punishments instead of sentencing criminals.

First, it is essential to base on the seriousness of crimes in order to give appropriate punishments. Because it is society’s money to build and manage prisons, governments should punish criminals in the way that is beneficial to society. For example, thieves should be forced to do community works such as planting trees, collecting rubbish, and controlling traffic. In addition, taking part in social works is a chance for lawbreakers to realize their mistakes and to change themselves. It is evident that a large percent of criminals who become useful individuals after working at social organization.  

Secondly, prisons are not the effective deterrent to crimes. In fact, many lawbreakers recommit the crime after released. Therefore, it is important to find out the reasons leading to the increase of criminals including the poor and adolescence. Because of poor living condition, many poor people have to break the law. Therefore, governments should have some actions to improve their living standard. Moreover, to deal with the high rate of juvenile delinquent, parents should pay much attention to their children, because family education plays an important role in the development a child.

In conclusion, it may be necessary to implement some social works as punishments for lawbreakers. To make a better society, people should start to deal with the increase of crime. 

..........move forward and succeed.............
May 24, 2012
9:22 am
Dongguan, China
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HI. This is my version.

 

Imprisonment is the major penalty for offenders in the world. But whether it is effective, especially when dealing with pretty crimes? I think those pretty criminals should be punished to work rather than being put into jail, for the sake of a local community. 

With no doubt, offenders should pay the price for their illegal activities, no matter they are felonries or misdemeanants. Their disruptive behaviors harm the social stability, might inflict economic damage or even destroy families. Therefore as a cost, deprivation of liberty for them is necessary and fair enough. Never would culprits do self-examination until facing the restriction of freedom. In my opinion, some potential culprits would actually commit a crime, if there is no imprisonment at all.

Sending pretty criminals to work can be more effective though. On the one side, forcing lawbreakers to labor, technically speaking is another way to deprive their liberty. That is because they have to work under judges’ instruction, which means that they are not doing as they like and want. That is, even though they hate their work, they have to do it. So restriction on them is not less than incarceration in this sense. On the other side, the local community can profit from these criminal’s manual labor in the meantime. For instance, residents could buy something these people make for free, and enjoy the cleaning of streets that light lawbreakers have swept.

In a broaden perspective, using the identical criteria to treat different types of lawbreakers is unjustified. There should be distinction in my view. Besides, since pretty criminals are comparatively less dangerous to society, letting them out to work would concern public little.

To conclude, imprisonment is an indispensable form of penalty. But for some offenders whose crime is minor, to work for public and do contribution might be a better option to relieve their guilt.  

May 24, 2012
1:47 pm
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hello Alison32559905

in general, your writing are quite good.

i admire your vocabulary, 

here are my comments,

hopefully, they are useful for you,

best wishes,

 

Imprisonment is the most popular major penalty for offenders in many countries in the world. But whether it is effective, especially when dealing with pretty crimes?( should not use question in introduction or however, many people doubt about its effectiveness on pretty crimes ) I think those pretty criminals should be punished to work for local communities rather than instead of being put into jail, for the sake of a local community. 

With no doubt, offenders should pay the price ( or be responsible for) for their illegal activities, no matter they are felonries or misdemeanants. Their disruptive behaviors harm the social stability, for examples, they might inflict economic damage or even destroy families. Therefore as a cost, deprivation of their liberty for them is necessary and fair enough. Never would culprits do self-examination until facing the restriction of freedom. In my opinion, some potential culprits would may actually commit a crime, if there is no imprisonment at all.

Obviously, Sending pretty criminals to work can be more effective though punishment. On the one side, forcing lawbreakers to labor, technically speaking is another way to deprive their liberty. That is because they have to work under judges’ instruction, which it means that they are not doing as they like and want ( or it means that their activities are strictly controlled). That is, even though they hate their work, they have to do it. So restriction on them is not less than incarceration in this sense. On the other side, the local community can profit (or benefit)  from these criminal’s manual labor in the meantime. For instance, residents could buy something these people make for free, and enjoy the cleaning of streets that light lawbreakers have swept.

In a broaden perspective, using the identical criteria to treat different types of lawbreakers is unjustified. There should be distinction in my view. Besides, since pretty criminals are comparatively less dangerous to society, so letting them out to work would be more beneficial to the community concern public little.

To conclude, imprisonment is an indispensable form of penalty. But for some offenders whose crimes is are minor, to work for public and to do contribution might be a better option to relieve their guilt.  

..........move forward and succeed.............
June 2, 2012
8:52 am
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Dear Mr Writefix,

Please help to comment on my version about the topic,

best wishes, 

..........move forward and succeed.............
June 2, 2012
1:54 pm
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rose2802 said

hello,

here is my essay for this topic,

hope to receive your comments for improvement.

thank you.

 

Nowadays, the number of crime is rapidly increasing. Many people indicate that all the lawbreakers should be sent into jail. In this essay, I will explain the reasons why we should have some alternative punishments instead of sentencing criminals.

First, it is essential to base on the seriousness of crimes in order to give appropriate punishments. Because it is society’s money to build and manage prisons, governments should punish criminals in the way that is beneficial to society. For example, thieves should be forced to do community works such as planting trees, collecting rubbish, and controlling traffic. In addition, taking part in social works is a chance for lawbreakers to realize their mistakes and to change themselves. It is evident that a large percent of criminals who become useful individuals after working at social organization.  

Secondly, prisons are not the effective deterrent to crimes. In fact, many lawbreakers recommit the crime after released. Therefore, it is important to find out the reasons leading to the increase of criminals including the poor and adolescence. Because of poor living condition, many poor people have to break the law. Therefore, governments should have some actions to improve their living standard. Moreover, to deal with the high rate of juvenile delinquent, parents should pay much attention to their children, because family education plays an important role in the development a child.

In conclusion, it may be necessary to implement some social works as punishments for lawbreakers. To make a better society, people should start to deal with the increase of crime. 

Hi Rose,

I think your essay is well-organized and easy to read, which is your advantage. However, I just want to mention a few points:

+ Your essay still contains a few grammatical mistakes related to singular or plurals. For example, "work" should have no "s" ending.

+ In paragraph 3: " Therefore, governments should have some actions to improve their living standard". The word "some actions" is quite vague, so it should be more specific.

+ The topic asked you demonstrate "both sides". However, you only mention the side you agree with.Why some people like to put criminals to prison?

+ In paragraph 2, the first topic sentence does not relate to the rest of the paragraph.  Maybe it will be better to write " There are several advantages of forcing criminals to get involved in community work instead of sending them to prisons".

+ Also, the second sentence in your conclusion does not relate to the topic.

All the best!

June 3, 2012
11:17 pm
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hello Tommy Bui

thank you very much for your comments.

they are extremely useful.

best wishes,

..........move forward and succeed.............
June 4, 2012
7:41 pm
writefix
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Hi everyone

This is amazing –  three essays on this topic with different styles but some great ideas, great rewrites, and great comments. Thanks to Nick, Rose2802, Alison and Tommy for the fantastic job.

Instead of separate comments, I'll just write a few here in one post. It's a bit long, sorry!

Here's the layout of Nick's essay:

  • Intro: some people say send all criminals to jail, others say alternatives to jail are possible, thesis sentence. Fine!
  • Para 2: Criminals are a danger to society. (But I think the topic sentence needs to be stronger and to mention prison).
  • Para 3: Rehabilitation is the answer, because crime is still increasing. Also, prison is expensive. Community service is also very good for young offenders (but this point also needs more explanation). You have good ideas in this paragraph –  more ideas and clearer examples than in Paragraph 2
  • Conclusion: Sort of gives two sides, and says we need to consider 'merciful alternatives' to prison. I'm happy with the ideas in it, but would like to make it much shorter.

Overall it has some good ideas and it's organized, but the conclusion should be shorter and Paragraph 2 (the first paragraph in the body) could be longer and have a better topic sentence.

Rose 2802 said Nick's essay had many long sentences – the average is 15.6, which is not too bad, although it's better to aim for between 12 and 15. Perhaps removing some of the longer ones in the conclusion will help along with simplifying some ideas.

Use Linking Words

I also agree with her suggestion of using some linking words such as 'therefore,' and 'moreover.' I also recommend the easy ones 'first,' 'second,' 'another point is that,' 'in addition,' or 'a final point is that.' Have a look at some of the linking words she uses herself in her essay:

Anufrancis, like me, was also confused by your topic for Paragraph 2. A better topic sentence here would have helped. She also wasn't happy with the link to the idea of rehabilitation in Paragraph 3.

Here's my suggestion for a topic sentence for Paragraph 2:

Many people are worried that allowing dangerous criminals to do community service will be a threat. OR

Many people think that community service is too lenient a punishment for major crimes. 

(These are obviously two different ideas – it depends on the rest of your paragraph.) Perhaps a sentence like this might work as a topic sentence for Paragraph 3:

Community service can help to rehabilitate prisoners. particularly for minor crimes or young offenders, and this will lower the rate of re-offending.

Rose2802 then wrote her essay on the topic. I really like it. It's much simpler than Nick's and easier to read – maybe because of those linking words, even though the average sentence length is longer, at 16 words. Hmmmm!  

Rose2802's essay has a different layout to Nick's, with two body paragraphs both in favour of alternatives to prison. Tommy wondered why you didn't deal with both sides. Many IELTS candidates worry about this – I am always happy to see good writing, and less worried about trying to get the perfect format. 

Discuss Both Sides?

I know the question asks:

Some people think lawbreakers should be sent to prison. Others, however, think that there are better alternatives (for example, being made to do work which benefits the local community) for these whose crime are minor.
Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

I am not sure than many IELTS questions actually say "Discuss both these views." Even if your question does say to discuss both views, you can do it by saying that the other side is wrong, if you know what I mean. Have a look at Gilbert's essay for an example.

There's a lot in Rose2802's third paragraph – you have suggested dealing with the causes of poverty, so this might be going off-topic a little, even though I agree with you completely. But overall I really like the style and simplicity. Tommy Bui suggests that maybe you should have mentioned the word from the question ('community service') in the intro, and he's right: it will help you to keep absolutely on topic. See my suggested topic sentences above. 

As Tommy points out, there are some grammar errors, but they don't impede communication.

Then Alison wrote her 5-paragraph essay which is similar in layout to Nick's – it looks at both sides. It's longer and has lots of examples. This is what is meant in the official IELTS descriptors for Task 2 Writing under Task Response for fully supported and developed. 

Alison (or her spell-checker) made one tiny mistake which I really like: in Paragraph 4 she suggests letting 'pretty' criminals out to do community service. It's a nice idea, and I definitely agree with keeping the ugly ones in prison! (OK, I know it's just a typo for 'petty'!)

Questions in an essay?

Rose then asked if it's OK to use questions. Yes, I think it's absolutely fine. Don't worry about doing it once or maybe even twice in an essay, but don't overdo it. It can be very effective.

Some Good Rewrites 

Nick wrote:

People show sufficient evidences that indicate a high rate of re-commitment among ex-convict which is the sources of the crime problems whether is major or minor.

Rose suggested this as one possible rewrite (I’ve edited itslightly):

Take ex-convicts for example:  it is evident that a high rate of re-offending among ex-convicts  is a major sources of crimes.

Here's another sentence Nick wrote:

In my view, I believe that both sides have their own purposes, but people need to respect the common good of the public.

Rose2802 suggested

In conclusion, both sides have their own reasons for their choice  but I believe that people need to respect the  benefits to the public.

Here’s a suggestion from Anufrancis for the same sentence:

In my view, I believe that both sides have their own pros and cons, but people need to implement adequate steps for the good of the public.

Whew!

Again, thanks to you all and imagine what would happen if you were all in the same face-to-face class! Great work!  I'm going to pin this essay to the top of the forum for a few days to show what working together means! 

June 5, 2012
11:11 pm
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this is my essay, I know my essays is far behind the above essays but that's it:

 

Some people believe that someone who commit a crime have to kept in jail for several years or maybe for the rest of their life depend  on the crime. However, others think it is better to let some of lawbreakers with a minor crime to do social works. In this essay, I will discuss both of these views and examine the advantages and disadvantages of both ideas.

Everybody knows that the punishment should be coordinate with the crime. It is something inevitable to let a person who convicted of murdering live in society freely. Therefore we have to keep them in jail, as this kind of person is hazardous for society and maybe commit another crime. We could not risk on people’s safety.   It is obvious; there is a difference between who committed a crime deliberately and someone who did it unintentionally. So we cannot put them in one category.

But in the other hand, there are many criminals with minor crimes. We can make use of this kind. While keeping them in jail imposes society to expend money, we can make a plan to return these costs. For example they can produce something or they can do some social works with lower salary as their punishment. But they have to work under hard supervision and threat them to revoke their privilege if they make mistakes.

In conclusion, I believe that it is essential to let criminals to work and even teach them some skills. Maybe they did wrong thing in past for these lacks. If they had some skills, they would have different lives.

June 6, 2012
9:57 pm
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I would also like to join the list.. Here is my version of it

Every one who breaks the law should be punished. However the modes in which they are punished vary from one country to another. Imprisonment is the highest penalty given to those who commit quite a big crime, in most of the countries. I would consider that it is an absolutely unjustified act to punish even the petty criminals in the same way.

            First, the criminals who commit major crime are more vulnerable to the society. Imprisonment is the best sort of punishment to them. On the contrary, if petty criminals are sentenced in the similar manner, there is higher probability for them to get deviated from the right path. As the proverb implies ‘An idle mind is a devil’s workshop’, by being just idle in the prison, they may get frustrated and lose their hope in life. Consider when a petty offender has done the crime accidentally/unintentionally; when he gets this sort of punishment, there are quite a lot of chances for him to be misguided by other prisoners. Besides this, this sort of punishment can even make people lazy, as they then to get food and shelter without paying anything .Therefore it is advisable to keep those petty offenders away from other prisoners

 

 In addition to this, involving them in social activities would cause benefit in various aspects such as the concerned individual, the local people and the government. It is advisable, that the government should provide them some authentication for their work and also some incentives. This will help them not only to get a god job, but will improve their self respect. This will reduce the crime to much greater extent, as unemployment and poverty are the prime factors leading to crime.

      To conclude, I would like to go in favour of involving petty criminals in social works rather than keeping them imprisoned, so as to benefit the entire society.

June 7, 2012
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Hi Enda,

Thanks for your comments. However, I think in the question type which requires us to "Discuss both view", we should demonstrate both sides with similar amount for each. I knew this information from my previous Ielts teacher as well as one popular Ielts examiner in the UK. Here is the information that I found:

" Here are the four types of question from last week's lesson:

  1. Opinion
  2. Discussion + opinion
  3. Problem + solution
  4. 2-part question

Important points to remember:

  1. An 'opinion' question asks for your view, not the views of other people, and you don't have to give both sides of the argument. Just make your opinion clear in the introduction, then explain it in the rest of the essay.
  2. A 'discussion' question requires you to write about both sides of the argument, and you should write a similar amount for each view. If the question also asks for your opinion, you don't need an extra paragraph. Just make it clear in the introduction and conclusion which of the two views you agree with.
  3. Type 3 is easy. Simply write a paragraph explaining the problem(s) and a paragraph explaining the solution(s). Some questions ask about 'causes' or 'effects': these would be part of the 'problem' paragraph.
  4. For type 4, just answer the two questions. Write one paragraph about each."

    So I understand that the question which requires us to "discuss both sides" is the second type. I think in Gibert essay, the question only ask "to what extent do you agree or disagree", so I think mention one side if fine.

I'm sorry if my idea is wrong.

June 8, 2012
5:59 pm
writefix
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Hi Pedram

Don’t worry about how your essay compares with other essays  –  it’s fine, and there are very few perfect essays here!  (Here's the link to your essay above)

Agreement

  • someone who commit a crime have → someone who commits a crime has

Tense

someone who commits a crime has to kept → someone who commits a crime has to be kept

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

  • Others think it is better to let some of lawbreakers with a minor crime to do social works → Others think it is better to let some lawbreakers with minor crimes do social work.
     
  • this kind of person is hazardous for society and maybe commit another crime. → this kind of person is hazardous for society and may commit another crime.
     
  • But they have to work under hard supervision and threat them to revoke their privilege if they make mistakes. → But they have to work under strict supervision with their privileges revoked if they abuse them.
     
  • It is essential to let criminals to work → It is essential to let criminals work
     
  • We could not risk on people’s safety → We cannot risk people’s safety.
     
  • The punishment should be coordinate with the crime→
    The punishment should be related to the crime  OR   
    The punishment should be proportionate with the crime    OR
    The punishment should fit the crime   OR
    The punishment should be in proportion to the crime
     
  • It is something inevitable to let a person who convicted of murdering live in society freely. → It is unthinkable/unacceptable/impossible to let a person convicted of murder live freely

Specify

You wrote:

In this essay, I will discuss both of these views and examine the advantages and disadvantages of both ideas.

It’s correct, but it could be used in a million essays. Try to make every sentence related to the topic.  

Here’s one possible rewrite:

In this essay, I will examine the advantages and disadvantages of community service.

Shorten/Simplify

You wrote:

While keeping them in jail imposes society to expend money, we can make a plan to return these costs.

Here’s one possible rewrite:

While keeping them in jail is expensive, we can reduce these costs by….

Clarify

Maybe they did wrong thing in past for these lacks. If they had some skills, they would have different lives.

The second sentence is fine, but I’m not sure what you mean by the first sentence. Can you rewrite it for us?

June 8, 2012
6:34 pm
writefix
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Hi Tommy

Thanks for this very useful link to ielts-simon.com about four different kinds of IELTS Task 2 questions.  Dominic Cole's website also has some useful information on about essay types, but he divides them into three types.

I suppose the trick is to answer the question! A lot of students worry about what kind of question it is. They spend a lot of time trying to decide the category -  whether the essay is compare/contrast, problem/solution, discussion, opinion, argument, etc.

It’s good to read the question a few times, but don’t worry too much about trying to fit it into a particular category.  And you certainly shouldn’t try to remember particular phrases or sentences just for certain categories or types of question.  That’s unfortunately what many weaker writers are trying to do -  memorize a handful of sentences and phrases and drop them into am essay regardless of the topic! Your essay layout has to be in response to the essay question, not a particular category.  

So read and re-read the question, and underline it and color it or do whatever it takes to make sure you understand and answer all the parts, but don't worry about fitting it into any particular category or type. If your answer is on-topic and well written, you will get a good mark, even if your layout is unusual.

Here’s a link to all the posts about Task 2 writing on the ielts-simon website.  Well worth checking out. 

Thanks again Tommy – you are obviously very hard-working and you've done your homework!

June 8, 2012
6:48 pm
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I had presented the essay under same topic………. please do comment on my mistake. Does my writing pattern is correct for such discuss and opinion questions? I will be grateful for your comments………. 

 

It is often said that the criminals should be locked up behind the bars. However, others argue that imprisonment is not only the best solution for petty criminals. In my view, community service is beneficial not only for the prisoners but for the well-being of community as well.

Some people argue that community service is not a sufficient punishment for the minor offenders. They say that it is hard for them to live in the same society where criminals are allowed to live with freedom. They can not tolerate the constant fear of being theft, stolen and abused. It is also pointed out that such petty criminals may breach the boundary of major crime that once had breached the minor crime. Criminals, therefore, no matter what crime he or she involves in, should be locked up away from their victims.

However, in my opinion, addition of minor criminals like pick-picketers, gamblers, being drunk and behaving disorderly in the prison means creating overcrowding and increasing the need of more budget. At the same time, such minor offenders may emerge out with negative feelings built up inside the atmosphere of prison and this raises the chances of violence. All this disadvantages of putting them in the prison can be prevented after implying the law of community service. Activities like to clean the streets, to talk to school groups, to plant trees, to collect rubbish and control traffic may make the petty criminals useful to the society and ultimately repay their own local community.

Taking both these above into consideration, I conclude saying that though prisons are suitable punishment for major criminals the community services or works are an effective deterrent to reform minor criminals. Such activities not only encourage individual development but also cause good to the community and nation as a whole.

June 8, 2012
7:15 pm
writefix
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17   Post ID 1314
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Hi Nisha

Thanks for this essay

Articles

  • for the well-being of community → for the well-being of the community
  • criminals should be locked up behind the bars → criminals should be locked up behind bars
  • community service is not a sufficient punishment for the minor offenders → community service is not a sufficient punishment for minor offenders
  • addition of minor criminals like pick-picketers, gamblers and  → the addition of minor criminals like pickpockets, gamblers and

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

  • minor offenders may emerge out → minor offenders may emerge
  • All this disadvantages → All these disadvantages
  • implying the law of community service → implementing community service
  • Activities like to clean the streets, to talk to school groups, to plant trees, to collect rubbish and control traffic → Activities like cleaning the streets, talking to school groups, planting trees, collecting rubbish and controlling traffic
  • Such activities not only encourage individual development but also cause good to the community → Such activities not only encourage individual development but also do good for the community

Topic Sentence/Shorten/Simplify

This sentence is 29 words long. Let’s see if we can shorten it:

However, in my opinion, addition of minor criminals like pick-picketers, gamblers, being drunk and behaving disorderly in the prison means creating overcrowding and increasing the need of more budget.

Here’s one possible rewrite:

However, in my opinion, sending people to prison for minor offences such as gambling, pick-pocketing, or disorderly behavior leads to overcrowding and more expense.

Hmmm, at 24 words it’s not much shorter, but it’s a little clearer, perhaps. But it’s a topic sentence, so it should be (a) shorter (b) less specific and (c) tell us what is coming in the paragraph. Here’s a topic sentence for your third paragraph:

Community service, on the other hand, can be better for both prisoners and society.

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

  • However, others argue that imprisonment is not only the best solution for petty criminals. → However, others argue that imprisonment is not the only solution for petty criminals.
     
  • They cannot tolerate the constant fear of being theft, stolen and abused. → They can not tolerate the constant fear of being robbed or abused.
     
  • Criminals, therefore, no matter what crime he or she involves in, should be locked up away from their victims. → No matter what crime they are involved in, criminals should be locked up away from their victims.

Shorten/Simplify

You wrote:

It is also pointed out that such petty criminals may breach the boundary of major crime that once had breached the minor crime.

Here’s one possible rewrite:

Criminals may begin with petty crimes, but move on to more serious crimes.

Overall, the layout is clear, but I'd recommend that you add topic sentences at the start of paragraphs. I think it's a perfectly fine response to the question. 

June 8, 2012
7:45 pm
united kingdom
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June 1, 2012
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18  Post ID 1316
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Thank you sir, I really appreciate your comments. Could you please tell me how could I improve my problem with this article and word usage while writing? I will remember about the topic sentence from next time. I think this correction would really help me a lot. 

Thank you very very much.

June 8, 2012
8:16 pm
writefix
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19   Post ID 1318
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Hi Nisha

Well, articles are fairly easy – every noun in English needs an article (a or an), unless it's an abstract noun, like happiness or love or unemployment.  Even if the noun has a lot of adjectives, it still needs an article. Have a look at Google search for a/an/the and try these quizzes. 

The way articles are used in some countries is a little different – many English writers in India and Pakistan do not use articles the same way as in the UK or US.

Usage is more difficult.  I use this heading for many things, rather than have many separate headings. If you are not clear on a particular sentence I highlight, just ask and I'll reply or some other people will help!

June 9, 2012
4:10 am
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20  Post ID 1321
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Hi Enda

again thank a lot for your great comments.

in regard to your question, I should say the lacks is refer to skill and work. But you are right I have to be enclosed with this essay to explain what they mean.

here is another possible sentence:

 

In conclusion, I believe that it is essential to let criminals to work and even teach them some skills. Maybe some lacks such as unemployment or not having an appropirate skills is the reason of committing crimes. If criminals had some skills, they would have different lives.

June 11, 2012
3:34 pm
writefix
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21  Post ID 1333
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Hi Pedram

You wrote:

 In conclusion, I believe that it is essential to let criminals to work and even teach them some skills. Maybe some lacks such as unemployment or not having an appropirate skills is the reason of committing crimes. If criminals had some skills, they would have different lives.

This is a much clearer conclusion, thanks! Here’s a slightly edited version:

In conclusion, I believe that it is essential to let criminals to work and even teach them some skills. Maybe a disadvantage/deficiency/challenge such as unemployment or a lack of appropriate skills was a reason for their criminal behavior. If criminals had some skills, they might have different lives.

Thanks again for taking the time to rethink your conclusion!

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