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Should young children be allowed to behave as freely as they want?
  Topic ID 205
March 31, 2012
12:19 am
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Forum Posts: 15
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March 30, 2012
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1  Post ID 624
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         Man can, nowadays ,travel to the far corners of the world and even land on the moon.In this mordern technology century, knowledge is very important to everyone .The standard of education nowadays is harder than before ,therefore students have no time to do out door activities.

         As proverb goes:"every coins have its two sides".Parents give more freedom to their children have some advantages.Firstly, children who have more freedom from their parents will be more independent than the children who have strong control from their parents .Secondly,they will be confident to do every jobs and have courage to express their opinion.Others,the leadership will be improved if they get more time in out door activities.Besides,children have their own time to realize their dream so they feel happy everyday and expect the following days.Furthemore , children meet many friends in out door activities so they really understand the important relationship with their friends.

        However the other side of the coin voices its strong opposition saying that give too much freedom to children will bring a lot weakness. Some people think the knowledge is very important in the present time , therefore, books are the best friends of the young age children .On the other hand,children will be lazy to do their schoolwork because of the intersting out door activies.Next, children easier meet the naughty friends and unlike to hear the advice by the elder because they usually think they are the king in the house.Last but not least,they are too early to meet the cruel sociaty so that will destroy their beautiful childhood.

       In conclusion,parents represent a important role in giving the freedom to their children.In my part, i suggest parents draw a suitable timetable to their children and give a proper freedom .This action we must do is to encourage the strengths and diminish the weaknesses as much as possible.

 

Thanks.

March 31, 2012
11:46 pm
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dear Jlim

I found some points on your essay. may be I am wrong. But I hope Mr. Writfix correct me whether My points are wrong or not.

 

1. I found your Introduction off topic and I think that you loss score in Task Achievement segment. the main question was about the advantages and disadvantages of allowing children to be free. But I understand from the Introduction that some significant changes happened in education system and children have not enough time.

 

2. again in Task Achievement part I can not find that you are in specific side. you should choose one of the mentioned sides and assert the side implicitly or explicitly. [I think]

 

3. in GR term I find some grammatical error: (I am not fluent, so I would be happy if you modify me)

3.1. out door activities   ===>   outdoor activities

 

3.2. Every is used before a singular noun. Use a singular verb after it

every coins have its two sides ===> every coin has two sides

 

3.3. Parents give more freedom to their children have some advantages.

I think you want to say: Giving more freedom to children has some advantages.

 

3.4. parents represent a important role in ==> parents represent an important role in

 

3.5. This action we must do is to encourage the strengths and diminish the weaknesses as much as possible.

using must in the end of the essay is not very good. you are suggesting some appropriate ways so it's better to say "should". the word "must" (I think) has an obligation and is not very common in suggesting a better trend.

and I think using this is not correct:

The practical approach we should do is to encourage the strengths and diminish the weaknesses as much as possible.

 

4. I write this essay in my own way and will put in the next point. I would be happy if you or Mr writefix correct it.

 

best wishes

March 31, 2012
11:48 pm
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       Talking about children’s issue and arguing about their needs and requirements, and also appropriate methods to deal with is not a new one. What is new is that, in recent years, it is found that people have been always deeply ambivalent about children’s freedom. Many people believe that providing a boundless freedom for children would promote their talents. While I accept that this may suit them, I believe that their assumption is off the mark. Letting children to follow their instincts would have several negative knock-on effects on their lives which outweigh the benefits.

 

       Freedom right, for many people, is the final frontier. Freedom in doing whatever a child wants with no restriction may be a way to release its hidden talents. By this treatment pattern, maybe there is chance to evaluate a child’s capacity and ability. But any freedom or independency is inextricably linked to a sense of responsibility. We should count this fact that our children are not matured enough to take on the responsibility of their decisions and behaviors.

 

     As many psychologists have been asserted, freedom in connecting to environment and also freedom in doing things for children should be limited in a sensible framework. “This limitation could be a critical point”, as many researchers have pointed. “A balanced combination of freedom and wise restriction which builds an active environment for children is needed. It could provide many opportunities for them to develop their innate abilities and skills.”

 

     If parents take on more responsibilities and provide more active environment with enough facilities, there is reason to hope that the subsequent generations could be more effective by flourishing their talents in preadolescence years.

April 1, 2012
9:09 am
writefix
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4   Post ID 630
0

Hello Jlim and welcome to Writefix! I hope that you can help some of the other people here!

And hi to Amira for some excellent comments!

I ran your essay through one of the the Word Count and Readability tools at the top of this page, under 'Useful Links.' Your essay comes out with 322 words. which is a little too long, but more worryingly you have 18 words average per sentence. You need to aim for 12-14 words average per sentence. But the biggest problem is the introduction – as Amira said, it's off-topic. 

You need to

  • write shorter essays
  • writer shorter sentences
  • make sure that the essay is related to the topic

Introduction

Your introduction is off-topic. This is probably the most serious error you could make in IELTS! Be very very careful to stick to the topic. The question asks whether young children be allowed to behave as freely as they want, but you are writing about moon landings and technology and free time. We don't hear about children –  only about students, and not until the last sentence in your introduction.

Read this section on introductions. Start with a simple Past/Present introduction

In the past, many children were strictly controlled. They had to obey their parents and behave very politely. Today however, in some families, children can do what they want – run, shout, sleep all day, refuse food and even ignore their parents. In this essay, I will say why children need some limits on their freedom.

or a simple One side/Other side introduction

In some families, children are tightly controlled. Their playtimes are fixed, their homework has to be done, they are made to tidy their rooms, and they are told how to behave. In other houses, however, children are almost wild. In this essay I will look at the best way to raise children, and say why I think some control is necessary

or an Example introduction

My sister's four children are perfect. They sit quietly, say 'thank you' and are very polite and well-behaved. In my house, however, things are different. My three children run around shouting, talk back to me and my husband, and are very messy. But we are happy. We believe they are learning more through this freedom than by being controlled and limited. In this essay, I will explain why freedom is vital for chlidren. 

The good news is that by the end of the essay, you are back on track, although some details could be left out. Your conclusion is 100% relevant to the topic. Much better!

In my next post I will go over some of the other problems (word choice, long sentences, clarity) but please please please be careful with introductions. You can read more about introductions here.

April 1, 2012
9:41 am
writefix
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5   Post ID 631
0

Hi Amira!

Thanks for look at jlim's essay. You made some great points, especially about the introduction being off-topic, and the grammar issues.

The only thing I might disagree with you is regarding jlim's Task Response. I think that it's clear what the writer's opinion is – the conclusion says parents should make timetables for their children and therefore set some limits to their freedom. In addition, the organization has the negative side of too much freedom in Paragraph 3, which is the correct position for this opinion. So the big problem is just the intro, as you spotted, and then some grammar/word-choice points.

I think it's very brave of you to try the essay yourself. It's probably the best way to practice and to experience the difficulty of the task. It's easy to find mistakes, but much more difficult to create something. Well done!

Now, please don't kill me….

I think your rewrite is harder to read than jlims! It's a little shorter, but it's very dense. Average sentence length is too long, at 18. We must get this down to 12-14 –  by adding more short sentences, by eliminating unnecessary words and phrases, or by breaking up long sentences. 

What I've done below is reproduce your paragraphs, and then add a possible simpler version:

Introduction

You wrote:

Talking about children’s issue and arguing about their needs and requirements, and also appropriate methods to deal with is not a new one. What is new is that, in recent years, it is found that people have been always deeply ambivalent about children’s freedom. Many people believe that providing a boundless freedom for children would promote their talents. While I accept that this may suit them, I believe that their assumption is off the mark. Letting children to follow their instincts would have several negative knock-on effects on their lives which outweigh the benefits. (94 words, 5 sentences, average words per sentence 18.8)

Here's a simpler rewrite with the same ideas

Parents have always wondered about the best way to raise children. Should our children have unlimited freedom to do what they want? Or should there be strict limits on their behavior? In this essay I will suggest that complete freedom may cause problems as children grow older. (47 words, 4 sentences, average words per sentence 11.7)

Paragraph 2

You wrote:

Freedom right, for many people, is the final frontier. Freedom in doing whatever a child wants with no restriction may be a way to release its hidden talents. By this treatment pattern, maybe there is chance to evaluate a child’s capacity and ability. But any freedom or independency is inextricably linked to a sense of responsibility. We should count this fact that our children are not matured enough to take on the responsibility of their decisions and behaviors.  (78 words, 5 sentences, 15.6 words per sentence.)

Here's my simpler version with the same ideas: 

Allowing children to do what they want may release their hidden talents. They can learn their abilities as they express themselves freely. But we must remember that children are not mature enough to be responsible for their behavior. (38 words, 3 sentences, 12.6 words per sentence)

Paragraph 3

You wrote:

As many psychologists have been asserted, freedom in connecting to environment and also freedom in doing things for children should be limited in a sensible framework. “This limitation could be a critical point”, as many researchers have pointed. “A balanced combination of freedom and wise restriction which builds an active environment for children is needed. It could provide many opportunities for them to develop their innate abilities and skills.”  (69 words, 4 sentences, 17.2 average words per sentence)

Please don’t quote. Unless you can give the exact date, author and source (academic journal or book), including page number, avoid all quotes. Only use quotes when you have the source open in front of you, and this is not the case in the IELTS Task 2 Writing.  Don’t quote real or imaginary scientists, experts or writers. Don’t quote philosophers, your grandmother or your friend. You can say "My grandmother always told me to do the best I could."  

You can quote an English proverb but it should be about 5 or 6 words maximum, and must be absolutely correct. The safest thing to do is to translate a proverb from your country e.g.  “A Malay expression states that ‘hoverkraf saya penuh dengan belut” explain it, and relate it to your story or opinion. Otherwise, don’t quote.

Here's one possible rewrite, with the same ideas:

Psychologists suggest that children benefit from a sensible framework.  A balanced combination of guidance and independence allows them to develop their skills and abilities. It also lets them know the limits of acceptable behavior and teaches them responsibility. (38 words, 3 sentences, average words per sentence 12.6)

Conclusion

You wrote

If parents take on more responsibilities and provide more active environment with enough facilities, there is reason to hope that the subsequent generations could be more effective by flourishing their talents in preadolescence years. (34 words, 1 sentence, average words per sentence 34)

Here's a possible rewrite, but my average words per sentence figure is still too high:

If children are allowed to be active but also encouraged to be polite and responsible, they will grow into well-developed adults. Providing the right environment for our children will allow them to flourish as teenagers and adults. (37 words, 2 sentences, average words per sentence 21 - still very high)

There's another sample essay on this topic here

Overall, Amira, it's important to be correct, and you are more likely to be correct with short sentences.

Have a look at the IELTS Task 2 writing descriptors for Band 7: it states that error-free sentences are 'frequent' AND 'uses a variety of complex structures.' This is the difficult balance –  complex sentences, but error-free ones. I would suggest that you first simplify more until almost all sentences are completely error-free, and then aim at increasing complexity.

But don't quote me.

April 1, 2012
8:58 pm
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Forum Posts: 15
Member Since:
March 30, 2012
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6  Post ID 634
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Dear Mr writefix :

 

Thanks a lot.Your suggestion help me very much.

 

Dear Amira:

 

Thanks a lot.Your comment brings me many ideas.

 

 Best regards…

                                                                                                                              your sincerely,

                                                                                                                                   Jlim

                                                                                       

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