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What causes student misbehavior in school, and can we solve the problem?
  Topic ID 177
March 19, 2012
2:38 pm
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In many countries schools have severe problems with student behavior. What do you think are the causes of this, and what solutions can you suggest?


 

the problem of some unacceptable manners of youngsters in many public places, is not a new one. what is new is that, in recent years, we face to school mangers complaining about a sudden growth of students misbehavior which can  have an irreversible damages to educational structures. what I believe in is that you can find the roots of this disorganization in our educational environments and non-qualified teachers.

It is strongly proved that atmosphere has a significant effects on human reactions. our rough class situations, bad air conditioner system, inadequate space for playing, locating schools in crowded part of cities, too much student accumulation in small area and so on are some examples that planners have told about as effective points on students behavior. Since students are young and fresh need to release their energy in an active environment. Governments should modify the schools situations and allocate more subsidies to school managers to reorganize the facilities and space and also change the shape of our educational area from an office to a calm place for our students.

the other effective point is in fact most of our teachers and school managers are not experted persons, especially psychology field. Statistics show that just three out of twenty five teachers in my country have passed mental related courses and are familiar with some basic needs of students and youngsters. The results attributed to our school managers is worst by just three persons out of a hundred which indicates that there is a strong demand for using of psychologists and educational consultants to plan a appropriate program.

March 19, 2012
9:01 pm
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Amira,

 

Please begin sentences with an upper case(capital case) . It is a punctuation mistake. Your introduction is not clear. You can start like this:  Misbehavior of students in school can spoil the good environment due to lack of experienced teachers.

You should write a conclusion.

March 19, 2012
9:32 pm
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Hi Amira,

Please add the question entirely. It is important to know whether you answered the question or not.

 

Best regards,

March 19, 2012
10:30 pm
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Radha Muralidhar said

Amira,

 

Please begin sentences with an upper case(capital letter) . It is a punctuation mistake. Your introduction is not clear. You can start like this:  Misbehavior of students in school can spoil the good environment due to lack of experienced teachers.

You should write a conclusion.

March 20, 2012
1:39 am
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dear radha and brian

thanks for your time and concentration. the main question was:

in many countries schools have severe problems with student behavior. 

what do you think are the causes of this? what solutions can you suggest?


as i tried to support in introduction i think that i started with a general statement.

dear radha do you think starting with a specific background is a good idea?

for example:

A gun attack of a 11-year old American student, jack chairman, in 2009 raised several important questions about the causes of this violent. such accidents threats our educational system and has a knock-on effects on our societies. As many researchers mentioned about the causes of reaction and the situations which lead Jack to do such a thing, the educational environments and the non-qualified teachers were the main motivators.

again thanks a lot about your concern.

March 20, 2012
12:48 pm
writefix
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6  Post ID 521
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Hi Brian  - I've edited Amira's essay to add the title.

March 20, 2012
12:52 pm
writefix
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7  Post ID 522
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Hi Amirameri83 and welcome to Writefix! 

Thanks for your essay!

I don't think your idea of adding an example of the boy who shot other students is very helpful. It delays the main ideas in your essay, and since the example is American and you already have some very good examples from your country, it's not really a powerful opening.

I have a LOT of comments to make on your essay, which is passionately argued, but I'm going to wait until I see what Radha and Brian and some others say first.

Watch this space!

So everyone –  how would you improve Amira's essay?

March 20, 2012
3:11 pm
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the problem of some unacceptable manners of youngsters in many public places, is not a new one. what is new is that, in recent years, we face to school mangers complaining about a sudden growth of students misbehavior which can  have an irreversible damages to educational structures. what I believe in is that you can find the roots of this disorganization in our educational environments and non-qualified teachers.


As Madha said you should begin every paragraph  with capital letters( Im sure you know this rule)

Be careful about over punctuation. As Mr.writefix says do not separate the verb and the subject with comma.

In many public places is not a new one.

In recent years we have faced to school managers….

I am agree with Madha that you should change your introduction in other way. Besides, you wrote twice ( what is and what I) do not repeat two identical clauses in an introduction. I guess a variety of grammars is required in our essays.


It is strongly proved that atmosphere has a significant effects on human reactions. our rough class situations, bad air conditioner system, inadequate space for playing, locating schools in crowded part of cities, too much student accumulation in small area and so on are some examples that planners have told about as effective points on students behavior. Since students are young and fresh need to release their energy in an active environment. Governments should modify the schools situations and allocate more subsidies to school managers to reorganize the facilities and space and also change the shape of our educational area from an office to a calm place for our students.

In this paragraph you wrote a nice main idea as a first sentence of paragraph. You should give reasons which are more relevant to this idea. It sounds that put many factors in one sentence not a good way to develop your reason. For example, a bad air conditioner system could be mentioned in other way.You support all of those contributors just by one sentence that" students are young and fresh" who does not need fresh weather?


another one that put many reasons without support in one sentence.


the other effective point is in fact most of our teachers and school managers are not experted persons, especially psychology field. Statistics show that just three out of twenty five teachers in my country have passed mental related courses and are familiar with some basic needs of students and youngsters. The results attributed to our school managers is worst by just three persons out of a hundred which indicates that there is a strong demand for using of psychologists and educational consultants to plan a appropriate program.

The other effective point is that our teachers and

are not expert person ; the form of adjective and noun of expert is same. (expert not experted)

in psychology field

mental related courses? May be you mean cognitive psychology

I guess in the second paragraph you wanted to say that teachers should be trained more about psychology and how manage students well to discover their needs. As you did well in the first paragraph ,try to put the main idea at the top to your essay become more easy to understand.

You did not say any thing that shows your essay comes to conclude. It is very important that an essay has a conclusion.

Sorry if forgot any point.






March 20, 2012
4:18 pm
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This is my introduction:

The hi-tech world of today has changed significantly resulting in  noticeable changes in lifestyle as well as behavior of students globally. Teachers find it hard to discipline the rebellious students without moral values. There are various reasons for the sudden change in the atmosphere of schools. The problems can also be solved with some effort. This essay will discuss the main reasons for the improper behavior students and suggest a remedy to solve the problem.

March 21, 2012
1:01 am
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Hi agian

 

I almost forgot to say that the language to some how seems informal that it is not suitable in writing essay.

For example , what I believe is that: I hope Mr.writefix adds some point in this case.

March 21, 2012
8:01 pm
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Hi

Thanks a lot again. Your points was brilliant and try to descend my faults in my writing. I try to write more organized and check punctuation and focus on coherence and cohesion of paragraphs more, as Brian said, and I rewrite it as follow:

 

[The problem of some unacceptable manners of youngsters in public places is not a new one. What is new is that in recent years, as many critics mentioned, by a sudden increase of violent behavior in schools, we face to a serious threat that such misbehaviors would lead to irreversible damages to our educational structures. I believe that the roots of this disorganization can be found in our educational environments and non-qualified teachers.

 

It is strongly proved that atmosphere exerts knock-on effects on human reactions. Students not only have suffered from bad physical school places such as rough class situations, inadequate space for playing, locating schools in crowded part of cities, too much students accumulation in small area, but also are in lack of appropriate facilities such as suitable air conditioner. Since students are young and energetic need to release their energy in a place which is more attractive and the facilities are modern. Du to this fact governments should modify the school situations and allocate more subsidies to school managers to provide suitable facilities and prepare more comfort instruments. Furthermore redesigning the shapes and spaces of educational places from an office like area to a calm place will help to reshape students’ attitudes and behaviors.

 

The other effective point is that most of our teachers and school managers are not expert persons, especially in psychology field. Statistics show that just three out of twenty five teachers in my country have passed courses which are related to human behavior and emotions. The results attributed to our school managers is worst by just three persons out of a hundred which indicates that there is a strong demand for using of psychologists and educational consultants to plan a appropriate program. Being familiar with basic mental needs of students can contribute to more safe and calm schools and improve the relations between students and teachers.

 

If the decision makers and governments provide more subsidies and facilities to develop educational area and schools’ instruments, use more skilled and educated consultants who are familiar with needs of youngsters, there is reason to hope that our educational strategies can continue to avoid any misbehavior in schools in the future.]


I will be please to hear from you if there is any problem in my essay and hope Mr.writefix adds some point on it.

Again thanks you all for your time and concentration.

Sincerely yours

March 21, 2012
10:26 pm
writefix
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12   Post ID 535
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Hi Amira

Here are the comments I talked about yesterday!

 

Commas – subject and verb!

Don't separate the subject ("The problem") from the verb ("is")

the problem of some unacceptable manners of youngsters in many public places, is not a new one.

You would never write these:

  • Mary, doesn't like icecream OR
  • Divorce, is increasing.

If in doubt, leave commas out, even if the sentence is long!

Sentence length

On average, Amira, you have 26 words per sentence. This is far too high. (I'm describing the first draft you wrote above.) The first and most important step you can take is to drastically reduce the length of your sentences. I recommend 12 words per sentence on average. You can have some long sentences with 20-24 words if you want, but you must also have a lot of shorter ones with 5-10 words. You need sentences like this.

  1. The government is clearly responsible.
  2. School managers have failed to act.
  3. There is a shortage of experts.

Try to have a mix or pattern of shortlongshortlongshort – long. Don't make every sentence short. Topic and thesis sentences especially are very effective if they are short.

Here is a monster 43-word sentence which urgently needs shortening

our rough class situations, bad air conditioner system, inadequate space for playing, locating schools in crowded part of cities, too much student accumulation in small area and so on are some examples that planners have told about as effective points on students behavior.

43 words, 1 sentence. Here's the same sentence rewritten as 21 words, 2 sentences, Average 10.5 words per sentence

Our schools face major infrastructure problems. Poor air-conditioning, inadequate space for play, overcrowded classes and cramped campuses all affect student behavior.

Here's another long sentence of yours (30 words, 1 sentence. Average 30 words per sentence)

What is new is that, in recent years, we face to school mangers complaining about a sudden growth of students misbehavior which can have an irreversible damages to educational structures.

…and here's a rewrite in 2 sentences, 28 words -  average 14 words per sentence:

What is new is that school mangers have noticed a sudden growth in student misbehavior in recent years. This is causing irreversible damage to the quality of education.

Shorten and simplify

In addition to shortening sentences by breaking them up, you also need to apply the knife and remove any unnecessary parts. Long sentences with lots of redundancy are OK in speaking (here are some redundant words from Wikipedia: "a variety of different items", "an added bonus", "to over-exaggerate", "and etc.", "end result", "free gift", "future plans", "unconfirmed rumor", "to kill, murder, or electrocute someone to death", "past history", "safe haven", "potential hazard", "completely surrounded", "false pretenses"), but you don't need them writing.

what I believe in is that you can find the roots of this disorganization in our educational environments and non-qualified teachers.

Here's a simpler rewrite of the same sentence:

(I believe) this problem has two main roots: poor learning environments, and non-qualified teachers.

Fragment

This is not a complete sentence – it's a fragment:

Since students are young and fresh need to release their energy in an active environment.

This needs to be joined to another sentence. Alternatively, you can leave out "since" and it's fine:

Since students are young and fresh need to release their energy in an active environment, they need lots of space and lots of challenging outdoor activities.

Students are young and fresh need to release their energy in an active environment. This means they need space, such as gyms and football fields and play areas.

One sentence, one idea

Governments should modify the schools situations and allocate more subsidies to school managers to reorganize the facilities and space and also change the shape of our educational area from an office to a calm place for our students.

Governments should modify the schools' physical layout. School managers need more subsidies to reorganize facilities and provide calm learning places for our students.

As you can see, there is really just one major problem: your sentences are too long. Fix this and everything else will fall into place! You are a capable writer, but you need to make sure that you don't write exactly as you speak. Writing is more economical and less forgiving.

Thanks to Brian for his insightful comments as well.

March 21, 2012
10:36 pm
writefix
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13  Post ID 536
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Hi Amira

I forgot to say thanks for adding a conclusion!

You wrote:

If the decision makers and governments provide more subsidies and facilities to develop educational area and schools’ instruments, use more skilled and educated consultants who are familiar with needs of youngsters, there is reason to hope that our educational strategies can continue to avoid any misbehavior in schools in the future.

You have summarized the two main problems and looked to the future. Well done. One small error above is a missing 'and' where you have a comma. I would also change the word 'avoid' since you said that there was already a problem with misbehavior. It's a long sentence, but it's successful -  and if you have a lot of short sentences as I recommended above, the average will be fine! So some tiny edits of your conclusion would give us this:

If decision makers and governments provide more facilities to develop the physical infrastructure of schools and train more consultants familiar with the needs of youngsters, there is reason to hope that we can minimize misbehavior in schools in the future.

Thanks Brian for spotting the absence of a conclusion!

March 21, 2012
10:43 pm
writefix
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14  Post ID 537
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Hello Radha

In your suggested introduction to Amira's essay, you wrote:

The hi-tech world of today has changed significantly resulting in  noticeable changes in lifestyle as well as behavior of students globally. Teachers find it hard to discipline the rebellious students without moral values. There are various reasons for the sudden change in the atmosphere of schools. The problems can also be solved with some effort. This essay will discuss the main reasons for the improper behavior students and suggest a remedy to solve the problem.

I would

  • leave out the reference to the hi-tech world
  • change the word order in the sentence about moral values
  • combine the third and fourth sentences
  • put more meat in the final sentence by adding a signpost or summary in your thesis sentence

Classroom behavior seems to have changed for the worse, with many teachers finding it hard to discipline rebellious students. There are various reasons for the sudden change in school atmosphere, but I believe the problems can be solved with some effort. In this essay, I will explain how better school buildings and better training for teachers would lead to a better educational experience for our children.

What do you think? Have a look at this link about Thesis sentences

March 21, 2012
11:53 pm
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hi Mr. Writefix

It was very nice of you. The points that you mentioned were crucial and I try again to apply all of them. thank you for referring to fragments and  redundancy. As I compare your modifications, I found that my vocabulary in topics is weak. I know the meaning of every words that you used but when I am brainstorming I have not enough related vocab to the topic.

Could you help me with any reference to vocabulary based on IELTS topic such as education?

Now I am practicing on your points.

thanks again.

sincerely yours

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