Practise writing against the clock!

You can find essay topics here, or newer topics with essays here.

Welcome!

In the forum on this page you can see IELTS essays by people just like you. Over a year, hundreds of people added essays and comments and helped each other to get a great IELTS essay score! Have a look at their amazing writing!

Update: The forum is closed!

I had to scale back work on this forum and so the forum is now CLOSED! Sorry! However, the hundreds of essays and thousands of comments will still be here. A HUGE thanks to everyone who commented and to all the visitors. Hopefully, we've made IELTS writing less scary.

Useful Links and Tools

closed

Popular Tags

Click any of the links below to see essays on that topic.

art business communication children crime culture economy education environment families food freedom globalization
health heritage  leisure media politics science society sports television travel technology transport university violence work

Please consider registering
guest

Log In

Lost password?
Advanced Search:

— Forum Scope —



— Match —



— Forum Options —




Wildcard usage:
*  matches any number of characters    %  matches exactly one character

Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters

Topic RSS Related Topics
Surveillance cameras: Problem and Solution
  Topic ID 114
February 3, 2012
6:24 am
Member
Forum Posts: 2
Member Since:
February 2, 2012
Offline
1   Post ID 317
0

Surveillance cameras have been successful in reducing crime, but they are also a tool for spying on people's private business. What problems do they create? Are there solutions?


Surveillance camera has become a useful monitoring tool since it was carried out. The criminal rate has been reduced as a result. However, this camera also brings people other problems.
As the surveillance camera is used to record the crimes, it is also used to observe, monitor people's private lives. Take some marriage promote organisations for example, this kind of monitoring equipment is widely used to spy one's partner to see whether he or she had an affair or not, Nevertheless, some people, especially the victims, claimed that the records enabled them to provide evidence on a particular thing. On the other, this behavior has already broken the law of the Human Rights. Everybody in this world are supposed to own their own privacy, and the Act was set to protect it.
In order to solve the problem, the main measure is to make the trading of surveillance cameras belong to government or non-profit public organisation. By doing this, the buyers are requested to sign up an contract which informs the purpose and the legislation is understood and agreed. Once the protocol has been made, a penalty will be conducted if the user misuse the camera that should help people originally; instead of making problems.
To sum up, many benefits are made by the surveillance camera. In contrast, other drawbacks are also caused due to the misuse by human. Therefore, to regulate the usage of the devices, problems are able to be solved.

February 24, 2012
1:13 am
writefix
Guest
2   Post ID 332
0

Hello Tammy and welcome to Writefix!

Sorry for the delay in replying.

Your essay is organized clearly. In 244 words, you have used 13 sentences which results in an average of 18 words per sentence.   I would try to make some of the sentences shorter. 

Sentence Structure

You have a lot of sentences which begin with an introductory phrase or clause, like these:

  • To sum up, many benefits are made by the surveillance camera. 
  • By doing this, the buyers are requested to sign up an contract
  • Once the protocol has been made, a penalty will be conducted 
  • As the surveillance camera is used to record the crimes, it is also used to observe, monitor people's private lives.
  • Therefore, to regulate the usage of the devices, problems are able to be solved. 
  • Nevertheless, some people, especially the victims, claimed that the records enabled them to provide evidence on a particular thing.

If every sentence starts like this, then the effect is repetitive. Just say what you want to say! It's good to be able to use this structure, but not in every sentence!

Simpler Sentences

The website http://www.online-utility.org/english/readability_test_and_improve.jsp (highly recommended –  it's the third link above under Useful Links)  suggests that some sentences need to be clearer:

  1. Take some marriage promote organisations for example, this kind of monitoring equipment is widely used to spy one's partner to see whether he or she had an affair or not, Nevertheless, some people, especially the victims, claimed that the records enabled them to provide evidence on a particular thing.
  2. Once the protocol has been made, a penalty will be conducted if the user misuse the camera that should help people originally; instead of making problems.
  3. In order to solve the problem, the main measure is to make the trading of surveillance cameras belong to government or non-profit public organisation.

These could be shortened and rewritten as follows:

  1. Monitoring equipment is sometimes used to spy on partners to see if they are having affairs, and the evidence is used in divorce cases. 
  2. Buyers would have to agree to a set of conditions in order to make sure that the cameras are not misused.
  3. Another way to reduce problems might be to limit the sale of cameras to government or public organizations only.

One small grammar point: in Paragraph 2, the word 'everybody' is singular, so 

Everybody in this world are supposed to own their own privacy.

should be

Everybody in this world is entitled to privacy.

(The words 'everybody, somebody, someone, anyone, everyone' etc., are all singular. 

Good work and I hope you can use your skills to help some other people here!

Forum Timezone: Asia/Bangkok

Most Users Ever Online: 299

Currently Online:
19 Guest(s)

Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)

Member Stats:

Guest Posters: 1

Members: 173

Moderators: 0

Admins: 0

Forum Stats:

Groups: 1

Forums: 3

Topics: 545

Posts: 2204

Newest Members: Enda Tuomey, charrmaine

Moderators:

Administrators: