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What makes you happy?
  Topic ID 492
July 23, 2012
1:22 am
Member
Forum Posts: 1
Member Since:
July 23, 2012
Offline
1   Post ID 1863
0

Hi, I'm Trang. I want to thank to admin who always try his best to help the other person. I admire you and hope you will continue to help us. Thank you so much.


What makes you happy? There are over 6 billion people living in this world, they are all different and they all have their own thinking about happiness. Immanuel Kant thinks that “Rules for Happiness: something to do, someone to love, something to hope for.” However, Dale Carnegie said that “It isn't what you have or who you are or where you are or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about it”. For me, I used to have the same thinking as both of them, but a heavy rain made I change my mind. Something is as simple as living with my family that all makes me happy.

First, my family is a safe harbor where I can be myself. I never have to explain myself to my family because they really know who I am. I can cry too hard or laugh too loud and never worry what they will think of me. It is happy when I have a home to come back after a hard working day. I don’t need to fear that someone may lie to me or hurt me, because I know that my family will do the best thing to me. Moreover, my family members will give me advice if I want it, but they will not judge me or make me ashamed of my behavior. Those are the reasons why Dan Wilcox said that “I don't care how poor a man is; if he has family, he's rich”.

Second, living with family, I can see and take care for them all my time, which always makes me happy. Some people say that, a person will change her or his thinking about happiness at each stage of life. They may be right, but one thing which I am sure that it will never change is the hope of a healthy and happy family. Have you ever seen your son playing games with their friends with a smile? I think the answer is “yes”. With me, the time when I buy for my younger brother a cheap toy which he likes, or  it is when I and my brother do some surprise things to make our father laugh is happiness. And it is when I and my father had the courage to step into the kitchen, cooking foods which my mother like on Women's Day, though the soup could be a bit salty, the rice are not cooked, yet she still smiled.

Finally, the main reason that makes I am happy is I am cared and loved by my family members when I live with them. Do you remember that I have said that a heavy rain made I change my mind about happiness?  The rain helped I realize my family members interested me more than anyone else. When I finished my English class, although it torrential rains I did not bring an umbrella or raincoat. In this time, I think about my father, he would have brought for me a raincoat if I had studied near my home. However, the fact that no one could help me and I must overcame it alone. Then, when I got back to my dorm, my friend asked me why I came home late? Because of me, the food was cold. I did not angry with her, but I really hoped that my mother had been there, she has would worry for me and I have would feel the warm from her. It was enough to make I was happier than anything else

All in all, nothing is better than a family. I am happy because I have a home welcome me all the time, I can love and be loved by my family members. I hope that they can go with me to the end of life. If you still live with your family, give them the most wonderful thing. Don’t find happiness on material things and forgot the real meaning of happiness around you.

August 2, 2012
6:33 pm
writefix
Guest
2   Post ID 1989
0

Hi Trang and welcome to Writefix

Thanks for this essay! Are you writing it to sum up happiness, or as a class essay or a term paper, or just for the fun or writing?  

Your essay is 666 words long, with 35 sentences and an average sentence length of about 18.7 words per sentence.  If you are writing for IELTS, then it’s too long (the requirement is just 250 words), but I’m just going to assume that you are writing for another purpose!

Everyone, if you notice in Trang’s conclusion there is a sentence which summarizes the three body paragraphs:

I am happy because I have a home [which] welcomes me all the time, I can love and be loved by my family members.

The conclusion follows the order of the essay. The main idea of Paragraph 2 is that you are always accepted by your family; Paragraph 3 mentions that a family is a group of people you can love and help, and Paragraph 4 describes the things that family can do for you because of love.

This is what conclusions are supposed to do.

Here are a couple of grammar issues:

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

  • I and my father /brother → My father and I  / My brother and I
  • The rain helped I realize my family members interested me → The rain helped me to realize my family members are interested in me [word order]
  • he would have brought for me a raincoat  → he would have brought a raincoat for me [word order]
  • when I buy for my younger brother a cheap toy → when I buy a cheap toy for my younger brother [word order]
  • a heavy rain made I change my mind → a heavy rain made me change my mind [object pronoun]
  • the main reason that makes I am happy is → the main reason that makes me happy is  OR the main reason that I am happy is
  • find happiness on material things → find happiness in material things [preposition/collocation]
  • cooking foods which my mother like → cooking foods which my mother likes [agreement]
  • although it torrential rains → although it was raining torrentially
  • one thing which I am sure that it will never change is → one thing which I am sure will never change is [repeated subject]
  • It was enough to make I was happier than anything else → It was enough to make me [feel] happier than anything else 

Shorten/Simplify

You wrote:

  • With me, the time when I buy for my younger brother a cheap toy which he likes, or  it is when I and my brother do some surprise things to make our father laugh is happiness.

The sentence is very long at 36 words. Aim for a shorter sentence length of between 12 and 18 words per sentence. Longer sentences tend to have more mistakes in punctuation, agreement and structure, as well as being more complicated for the reader.  Aim for a mix of sentences – long and short, simple, complex and compound -  for variety and impact.

Here’s one possible rewrite. It’s still quite long, at 27 words.

For me, the feeling when I buy a cheap toy that my younger brother likes, or when we surprise our father to make him laugh, is happiness.

You wrote:

I did not angry with her, but I really hoped that my mother had been there, she has would worry for me and I have would feel the warm from her.

Here’s one possible rewrite:

I didn’t become angry with her, but I really wished my mother had been there to worry about me and to forgive me.

Punctuation: Comma Splices, Run-Ons and Fragments

  • people say that, a person will change → people say that a person will change

You wrote:

I think about my father, he would have brought for me a raincoat 

This is a comma splice. Make sure you don’t join sentences with commas if they should be separate. Easy to fix -  just change the comma to a full stop!

You wrote:

  • However, the fact that no one could help me and I must overcame it alone

This is a fragment.  You need to join it to another sentence or add some more information. Read more about Fragments or Comma Splices here.

Overall thanks for a nice essay and let us know what you are writing it for.

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