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Why are many people living longer lives?
  Topic ID 567
August 14, 2012
12:40 am
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Forum Posts: 17
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1  Post ID 2148
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In today’s time people live longer comparatively than what they used to years ago. This improvement is because of better and advance medical facility along with awareness.

The medical facility has played an important role in the lives of people because in earlier time there were few hospitals and doctors and that also in big cities. But now, you can find doctors and hospitals even in villages especially when talking about developing countries like India.

Moreover, due to advancement in science and technology, treatment of various dreadful diseases has been invented. For example, hundreds of people died because of plague. Malaria, chickenpox as there was no available and it was contagious disease. Now due to advancement and research scientist have invented vaccination for such diseases which have millions of life.

In addition people have become more vigilant and aware as started taking care of their health. For example yoga has become popular worldwide because people are conscious about their health as go for regular check up, do exercise, take various diet courses, etc. this shows now people take proper care of their health and wants to be fit.

Finally, Government and International organizations like WHO and Red Cross Society has also played an important role by making medicines of dreadful diseases available at cheaper rate in poor countries, opening government hospitals in rural area where treatment is available at subsidies rate and at times free of cost. Further, various campaigns organized by these organizations to spread awareness and eradicate diseases has reduced death rate. For example WHO organized campaign against Polio where polio drops are given to children at their home and that also free of cost in order to fight against it.

To summarize the above points, I would like to say that today people live long and healthy life because of awareness, advancement in science and role played by Government and International Organizations. 

August 15, 2012
6:05 pm
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2  Post ID 2172
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Guys I have recently joined this forum therefore requesting you to please review my essay. thank you. 

August 16, 2012
4:06 am
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3   Post ID 2176
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Hi CrackToefl,

 

I wanted to make your essay short. Im afraid I could not leave more comments. I hope you find it useful. For some reasons may I will be away for a while.

 

Today people comparatively live longer than ever before. This improvement may come from advanced medical equipment, rapid progress in the medical science and doing exercise.

One of the main reasons for today’s longer life is improving in medical equipment. It is obvious that the number of hospitals and medical tools which now are used is amazing. By contrast, people in the past hardly to find proper drugs and hospitals to treat. They were simply left to die because of lack of drugs such as antibiotic or even disinfected knives. Today we can have easily access to a variety of drugs and medical tools roughly all around the world.

In addition to this, the reason of many diseases in the past was undefined. People used to die from some illnesses that now doctors can easily treat them like plague. Thanks to technology that made many diseases treatable. In fact, today you can hardly see massive number of deaths caused by some epidemic diseases such as Malaria or Chickenpox. Scientific can already control the spread of many diseases through prevention and diagnostic programmes.

Finally, we cannot ignore raised people’s awareness about their health. People now are more concern about healthy lifestyle. They tend to do exercise and to join some gyms such as aerobic and yoga. It is no exaggeration to say that doing exercise makes considerable contribution to higher life expectancy.

 

In conclusion, the longer life is rooted in evidence-based clinical and services for the prevention and treatment of the infectious diseases. And also people nowadays take more care of their health.

August 21, 2012
2:31 pm
writefix
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4   Post ID 2206
0

Hi CrackToEFL and I hope you enjoy this site. Most of the essays here are for IELTS, and I don’t really know much about how TOEFL is scored.

Your essay has a clear layout, with a short intro and four reasons (more doctors, better treatments, more awareness, and government programs) and a conclusion. Your conclusion summarizes these points.

You only have 30 minutes in TOEFL for writing, so are you sure you can write 315 words in that time?  Time yourself before the exam and be absolutely sure that you can.

Shorten/Simplify

 The main feature I notice in your writing  is that you have a LOT of extra words. Try to remove all unnecessary words from your sentences.  Here are some examples

In today’s time people live longer comparatively than what they used to years ago.  (14 words)

‘Longer’ is already a comparative. ‘Years ago’ is already clear from the phrase ‘used to.’ ‘In today’s time’ just means ‘today’ – you could leave that out completely.   

People live longer today. (4 words)

Here’s another with 29 words:

  • The medical facility has played an important role in the lives of people because in earlier time there were few hospitals and doctors and that also in big cities. (29 words)

In the past there were fewer doctors or hospital, and most of them were in cities. (16 words)

You wrote:

But now, you can find doctors and hospitals even in villages especially when talking about developing countries like India. (19 words)

Who's talking? This is a writing test! Don't write as if you were speaking. Here’s one possible rewrite:

But now even villages in developing countries such as India have doctors. (12 words)

You wrote:

  • …at subsidies rate and at times free of cost. (9 words)

…subsidized or even free (4 words)

This monster has 49 words:

godzilla_the_sentence_monster.jpg

Finally, Government and International organizations like WHO and Red Cross Society has also played an important role by making medicines of dreadful diseases available at cheaper rate in poor countries, opening government hospitals in rural area where treatment is available at subsidies rate and at times free of cost.

I recommend having an average sentence length of between 12 and 15 words per sentence – not 49!

Longer sentences tend to have more mistakes in punctuation, agreement and structure, and are more complicated for the reader.  Aim for a mix of sentences – long and short, simple, complex and compound.  Use the tools at the very top of this page to check your sentence length.

Here’s one possible rewrite. It’s still 29 words, which is a little too long.

Finally, governments and organizations such as the WHO and Red Cross Society have provided cheaper medicines for poor countries and opened free or subsidized hospitals in rural areas.    OR
 
Governments have opened hospitals in rural areas, and bodies such as the Red Cross or the WHO have made cheaper medicines available to developing countries. (25 words)

Here’s yet another example, with 29 words.

For example WHO organized campaign against Polio where polio drops are given to children at their home and that also free of cost in order to fight against it.

Here are some possible rewrites:

Polio campaigns treat children at home for free (8 words).   OR
Children can receive free polio vaccine at home (8 words)

Punctuation

The second ‘sentence’ is a fragment, not a sentence. Read more about Fragments or Comma Splices.

 For example, hundreds of people died because of plague. Malaria, chickenpox as there was no[??] available and it was contagious disease.

What does "it" refer to?

One idea per sentence

Don’t add little ideas onto the end of sentences. Try to have only one idea per sentence.  It’s not a stream of consciousness. Organize your ideas and express them as succinctly as you can.

August 22, 2012
1:12 am
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Forum Posts: 17
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August 14, 2012
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5  Post ID 2215
0

Thanks a lot Sir for your comments. 

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