Thanks for the rewrite! You wrote

The process of developing character through serving others, competitive sports, leadership and mentoring and artistic performance are opened. Therefore, the current institutions in Britain aims for developing today's youth a responsible and caring member of society. Thus, this example clarifies that still people are adapting the traditional principles.

I would try to remove the passive 'are opened' - who is opening what, and what are these processes exactly? What are the current institutions -  the army? the government? the boy scouts? the prison service? the Church of England? the Royal Soceity for the Protection of Birds?  These are all well-know British institutions. It's better to be specific and avoid vagueness. 

Here's a possible rewrite using the idea-example-summary pattern

In the UK there is now a renewed emphasis on developing character through serving others, competitive sports, leadership and mentoring and artistic performance. Organizations such as X, Y, and Z aim to help today's youth become responsible and caring members of society in their community service and volunteer programs. This shows that many people not only believe in honor, trust, and kindness, but are prepared to work hard to ensure that the next generation shares these values.

Just looking at your conclusion again! 

It's not just a question of word count. Your conclusion has to do certain things -  it should summarize the main points of your essay so that your message is hammered home to the reader. 

Yes, i wanted to say this exactly. You get me to the point.

About the rewrite:

The opportunities to develop character through serving others, competitive sports, leadership and mentoring and artistic performance should be open to all. As a result, an individual can ultimately improve his or her standards as well as become more responsible and caring member of society.  

how about this?

The process of developing character through serving others, competitive sports, leadership and mentoring and artistic performance are opened. Therefore, the current institutions in Britain aims for developing today's youth a responsible and caring member of society. Thus, this example clarifies that still people are adapting the traditional principles.

Conclusion: I think its fine. I am afraid the addition will only produce more words.

Thanks for the comments and your essay. Here's a couple of points:

Simplify/Clarify

You wrote:

They, however, forgot the fact that many stars had also the stories of betraying their own best friends, cheating their spouses and involving in alcohol and drug scandal.

Is this what you mean?

They conveniently forget, however, that many of their idols have betrayed friends, cheated on spouses or are addicted to alcohol or drugs.

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

• They haphazardly adapt illegal and immoral way to earn a name and fame in their life.→

  (Does ‘they’ refer to ‘young people’ or to ‘celebrities’?  I also think ‘haphazardly’ could change, and I will try to make a clearer link to the previous sentence about the media. Here’s a possible rewrite:

As a result, many young people think life is just about making quick money in any way possible.

• To keep up pace → to keep up with  OR to keep pace with
   
• their material possession and image in their entertaining industry. → their material possessions and image in the entertainment industry.
   
• spending lavishly in expensive holidays → spending lavishly on expensive holidays
   
• a call was heard after the riots in Britain in 2011 emphasizing on communal values → a call was heard after the riots in Britain in 2011 emphasizing communal values

Passives

You wrote:

Social hierarchy and wealth are considered two new factors for deciding upon an importance of being oneself.

‘Essays’  are wealth and hierarchy new factors? And who considers them? Try to avoid the passive.  Just get straight to the point, with an ordinary active subject (‘many people’):

Many people seem to think that wealth and status are the most important things in life.

Simplify/Tense

You wrote:

The opportunities to develop character through serving others, competitive sports, leadership and mentoring and artistic performance should be open to all. As a result, an individual can ultimately improve his or her standards as well as become more responsible and caring member of society.

The tense in the paragraph wanders from present to past, to present continuous, to a modal (‘should be open’), to a present/modal (‘can become’).  A slight rewrite here to make the tenses easier and more consistent would be good. It's an interesting topic but it needs to be tamed a little.

There’s also a slight change in direction in the essay in this paragraph -  it sounds as if you are suggesting a change or a course of action. This might be good in the conclusion, but it’s moving a little bit away from the topic. It’s not off-topic exactly, but it needs to be edited to bring it back in line.  And where is this interesting idea in the conclusion? It’s not mentioned! You should tie it in more.

THANK YOU.

Actually this is a past question of ielts. So, most probably we should be get ready for any topics. Hope i get an easy topic in my exam......

I forgot to say welcome to Writefix! Thanks for this essay and for starting a great discussion, and thanks for your responses. It’s great to see people editing their own work!

Here are a few points about your essay. Basically, I'm going to echo ChrisLuke and Essays and say well-done on your vocabulary and structures, but I am also going to suggest that you really simplify as much as you can.

Shorten/Simplify

Don’t use ‘one’ if you can avoid it, and don’t use it at all if you are going to use ‘he’ in the same sentence.

Overworking for long time, one can hardly spare any time and energy to be with his family and friends, not alone notice who lives next-door. (25 words)  →
Working long hours makes it difficult to spare time or energy for even your own family, let alone neighbors or strangers. (21 words)

Lists

Traditional virtues like kindness, trust are no longer emphasized → traditional virtues like kindness and trust are no longer emphasized. (The last two items have be joined with ‘and’ or ‘or.’)

Tense

You wrote:

People’s attitudes towards moral principles have been changed

Why passive (‘have been changed’)? Why not just use present, or present perfect? Here’s one possible rewrite with a more consistent present perfect tense to emphasize the change from the past to the present:

People’s attitudes towards moral principles have changed in the last few generations. Long-cherished traditional virtues like kindness and trust are no longer respected. Instead, high social status and material wealth have become the life-long pursuit of a large number of people.  

Simplify/Word Choice/Thesis Sentence

You wrote:

I am going to analyze the adversity brought by this moral corruption on the society and family.

Adversity→ effects/damage/consequences

Topic

Make sure your thesis sentence stays close to the topic. The question doesn’t mention the family, and there is a danger that you could go off-topic. You can read more about Thesis sentences here. Also, have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Task Response, and see how important it is to stay on topic – look for the words ‘tangential’ or ‘addresses topic only partially.’

Here’s the question again, just to check

A person's worth nowadays seems to be judged according to social status and material possessions. Old-fashioned values, such as honor, kindness and trust, no longer seem important. To what degree do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Shorten/Simplify

You wrote:

Undoubtedly, the prevalent money-oriented mentality has exerted detrimental impacts on industries and the society as well.

Here’s one possible rewrite:

Undoubtedly, today’s money-oriented mentality has affected industry and society.

You wrote:

It is a commonplace that some enterprises adopt immoral or even illegal means to make profits in a short time.

Here’s one possible rewrite:

Many businesses adopt immoral or even illegal means for quick profits  OR   
For the sake of quick profits, some companies use immoral or even illegal business practices

Here’s a very long (43-word) sentence:

By doing this, those manufacturers seemingly accumulate their fortune in a shorter time than their counterparts do; however, they are actually jeopardizing the interests of their own and the entire industry as well in that customers will stop purchasing this sort of products. (43 words)

Here’s one possible shorter rewrite with an extra idea

Not alone do they put the lives of thousands at risk just to make a quick profit, they jeopardize their entire industry and destroy consumer trust. (26 words)

You wrote:

More disturbingly, the whole society now is suffering from the loss of trust brought by overly pursuing fame and money.

Crystal, it’s a very nice phrase, but nobody says ‘overly pursuing.’ I understand that ‘more disturbingly’ refers to society rather than just the individual in the previous sentence.  Let’s take it down a notch with a simpler rewrite.

Not just the individual but society suffers when people pursue only fame and money.

You wrote:

Few people would offer helping hands to others as they were either cheated by someone who took advantage of their kindness or are acquainted with this sort of stories from media coverage.

This sentence is an extension of the previous idea of loss of trust. Here’s one possible rewrite:

As trust disappears, fewer people offer help.  

Not just individuals but society suffers when people pursue only fame and money. When profits are put before people, trust disappears, and people become less willing to help each other.

Conclusion

You wrote:

Given that the overemphasis on individual material wealth and social status has caused sever social problems, it is imperative to revitalize the traditional virtues.

There are a lot of nouns and noun phrases in this sentence. Nouns or nominalizations slow down your sentences. Try to have fewer nouns in your sentences, or to replace them with adjectives or verbs. 

We have over-emphasized individual material wealth and social status, and this has caused severe social problems. We need to revitalize our traditional virtues.

New ideas in conclusion

You wrote:

Of course, the government and media are supposed to play an active role in this campaign..

Try to avoid new ideas in the conclusion. You could have introduced this idea earlier, but in the conclusion, it’s time to summarize, give your opinion, and look to the future.

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

• It is a commonplace that → It is well-known that/ Often (The phrase ‘It is a commonplace’ is archaic. Use something lighter or simpler.)   
   
• Customers will stop purchasing this sort of products. → customers will stop purchasing these sorts of products.

A person's worth nowadays seems to be judged according to social status and material possessions. Old-fashioned values, such as honor, kindness and trust, no longer seem important. To what degree do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Newspapers and television love to tell us about the decline in moral standards and values. Instead of heroes, leaders and people we can admire, the media tells us about power-hungry politicians, greedy businessmen and empty-headed celebrities. In this essay I will ask if our society is really worse than in the past, and if old-fashioned values are still important.  

First of all, I don’t believe that our society is worse or more obsessed with material possessions and social status than previous ones. People have always admired the rich and famous and tried to get close to them. In the past it was often for survival: a job with a wealthy landowner or politician meant your family was secure. Today, however, most people live without depending on a rich person’s moods, and more people worldwide live more comfortably and safely than ever before.

Secondly, bad news sells. News channels would have us believe that every politician is corrupt, every businessman greedy, and every celebrity obsessed with sex or drugs. But many, if not most, leaders, company executives, and sportspeople are at least as moral as we are. They work hard at what they do to help their voters, workers and fans. Unfortunately, good news is not as much fun to read as bad news, so we hear less about them.

Finally, it’s ridiculous to call honor, kindness and trust ‘old-fashioned.’ We all know friends, family and community members who have these virtues and more. Even if we fail sometimes, we try to put these values into practice ourselves. These values are basic foundations for a healthy society, whereas material possessions bring just short term satisfaction.

In conclusion, a casual visitor from Mars might well agree that we are obsessed with money and possessions. However, if our Martian friends stayed here for more than a few days they would find that deep down we are motivated by deeper values and beliefs.  

One thing I noticed in all the essays above (great work everyone) was that everybody wrote pretty horrible introductions and much more interesting body paragraphs. Don't get upset! (I'm exaggerating about the body paragraphs a little)

Don't be afraid to break away from the crowd and make the topic your own. In this case, there are many difficult words in the question ('old-fashioned values,' such as 'honor,' 'kindness,' ' trust,' 'materialism,' 'social status,' etc.), and many of you felt that you had to paraphrase these. That's a good strategy, sometimes, but here it can result in a very heavy formal introduction, and that's why we ended up with words from Crystal like 'moral corruption' and 'adversity,' and from 'Essays' with words like 'allegiance' and 'hierarchy.'

Great words and well done.

But I think there's a danger that 90% of the people who answer this essay are going to agree with the topic, and are going to try the same thing (assuming their English writing is as good as Essays'  or Crystalhuang's). Another problem is that, as ChrisLuke mentions, many people are going to discuss this topic in very abstract ways, instead of with examples from their experience. That's why I was interested to hear the examples of some Chinese manufacturers

What I'm going to do now in the next 35 minutes is try to write an essay with the same topic but (1) disagree and (2) try and give some specific examples and (3) try and keep it fairly simple, and (4) I don't know yet. Back soon!

Your topic was  A person's worth nowadays seems to be judged according to social status and material possessions. The old-fashioned    values, such as honor, kindness and trust, no longer seem important. To what degree do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

You have mentioned the impact of materialism and made it descriptive.Otherwise your ideas are good.Just see not to lose focus.

People’s attitudes towards moral principles have been changed in this highly competitive age. The long-cherished traditional virtues like kindness, trust are no longer emphasized. Instead, achieving high social status and accumulating great material wealth turn to be the life-long pursuit of a large number of people. Should the conventional moral standards be abandoned altogether now?

Apparently, the prevalent money-oriented mentality has exerted detrimental impacts on industries and the society as well. It is a commonplace that some enterprises adopt immoral or even illegal means to make profits in a short time. An extreme example is the scandal of poisonous yogurt in China recently. The edible gelatin, one important ingredient of yogurt, is substituted with toxic one for industrial use so as to decrease the costs. By doing this, those manufacturers seemingly accumulate their fortune in a shorter time than their counterparts do; however, they are actually jeopardizing the interests of their own and the entire industry as well in that customers will stop purchasing this sort of products.

As for individuals, overemphasis on wealth and fame alienates people from their friends, neighbors and even family members. Overworking for long time, one can hardly spare any time and energy to be with his family and friends, not alone notice who lives next-door. More disturbingly, residents now are suffering from the loss of trust brought by overly pursuing fame and money. Few people would offer their helping hands to others in need as they were either cheated by someone who took advantage of their kindness or are acquainted with this sort of stories from media coverage.

As society advances, traditional value systems might be challenged and overshadowed temporarily by new ethics; however, some morals, like trust and kindness which reflect the shining parts of human nature will be there as long as human community exists.

Hi, "essays" and Chrisluke. Thanks for your comments.

This topic is too abstract to me, and actualy I'm confused about whether my essay is off-topic or not. I had tried to cover both sides of this topic, but I didn't know how to support the view "those virtues are still important" positively. The thesis sentence and conclusion is kind of awkard. I really need to work on simplifying the sentences.

 

"Essays", here are comments on your essay.

Your essay is well-structured with enriched vocabulary. I like your conclusion particularly. My humble suggestion is that you could improve the readability by simplifying the complicated sentences and improved the cohesion.

 

Social hierarchy and wealth are considered two new factors for deciding upon an importance of being oneself deciding factors for one's worth ["be oneself" is ambiguious]. To keep up pace with this increasingly dynamic world, people are losing the character of honour, kindness and trust. However, I believe there are still some people who show allegiance to the traditional moral principles of life.

Most celebrities like famous singers, politicians, sports stars are admired solely for their material possession and image influence in their entertaining industry. [Is it appropriate to call the political and sports world entertaining?] Activities like owning a mansion, driving an expensive a fancy car and spending lavishly in expensive holidays are prioritised  valued more than conventional virtues like the personal integrity, cooperation and loyalty.

 

The media world had encouraged the young people to make mindsets of adapting the celebrities’ lifestyles. They haphazardly adapt illegal and immoral way to earn a name and fame in their life. They, however, forgot the fact that many stars had also the stories of betraying their own best friends, cheating their spouses and involving in alcohol and drug scandal.[The logic of these sentences is not clear.]

[can it be put in this way?] The media has misguided the young people to take any means available to achieve their material success...

Thank you very much for commenting on my essay,

yeah, it was difficult for me as well to write this view clearly. But, what i mean to say is that media exposes the lifestyle of celebrities and as people spend most of their time in watching television and surfing internet they consider the celebrities as their idols and dreams of becoming like them. However, they may be unaware of the negative side of the celebrities' story like betraying their own best friends, cheating their spouses and involving in alcohol and drug scandal. Thus, young people ultimately may take or turn into wrong directions to achieve the material success.