Youtthasack I agree with Brian about the intro. You could make it a lot shorter. You only have 40 minutes and 250 words, so you need to get to the point more quickly. 

Your intro is longer than your third paragraph. This means either your intro is too long (it is!) and/or your third paragraph is too short (it is - only one idea really, about exercise being important!).

In your introduction you wrote:

Many people started their foundation of learning since they were young. This period of age seem to be the most basic level of learning. A lot of parents so that prefer their children to study hard and even though their leisure activities are expected to be educational otherwise they are just completely waste of time. This paper will argue that this perception is not absolutely right. Non-educational activities can also gain the kids pleasure and physical exercise. (77 words)

Here's one possible rewrite

A lot of parents prefer their children to study hard and to do only educational activities in their free time. This essay will argue that this perception/approach is not absolutely right, and non-educational activities can mean happier and healthier children. (40 words)  

OR

Many parents believe that their children’s free time should be spent only on educational activities. I will argue that this perception is not absolutely right, and non-educational activities can mean happier and healthier children. (34 words)

Your ideas are fine and supported well, but it would be good to have more, particularly in the third paragraph.

I should say this is a very good essay.Youhave a smooth transient from point to point. In terms of task response and coherent and cohesion did well. But I think your introduction need a bit work when your wrote (A lot of parents so that prefer their children to study hard and even though their leisure activities are expected to be educational otherwise they are just completely waste of time. )It seems that a bit long and also it makes your introduction longer than 3st paragraph.

A lot of parents so that prefer their children to study hard and even though their leisure activities are expected to be educational otherwise they are just completely waste of time. I think it is extra.

Im afraid I cannot leave more comments because now is the middle of the night.

Best regards

Many people started their foundation of learning since they were young. This period of age seem to be the most basic level of learning. A lot of parents so that prefer their children to study hard and even though their leisure activities are expected to be educational otherwise they are just completely waste of time. This paper will argue that this perception is not absolutely right. Non-educational activities can also gain the kids pleasure and physical exercise.

Doing some activities, our juveniles might have good moods. Being happy is necessary for every body’s mind.  When they are happy, their minds are relaxed and this would contribute to being optimistic persons in the future. On the other hand, if they do not have fun or feeling of amusement, they might become serious or pessimistic. This characteristic may not make them live a peaceful life. Moreover, when they play games with mates, they are enhancing their relationship. Some games teach them how to work in groups, how to make strategy to win and to be accustomed to being losers that need patience, for example. 

In addition, many activities let the kids to exercise. As we know that exercising is so important to their physical biology. Their bodies are in the stage of basic growing. Some who play sports will have healthy and good-save bodies, e.g. On the other hand, others who hardly participate in sports or games might have problematic health condition such as diabetes. 

In conclusion, non-educational activities bring mental and physical benefits to our children that we should not ignore. Our next generations need to be at least healthy and optimistic so they can lead happy lives.

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