First of all apologies about shortening the title. Usually when I shorten the title I remember to put the original essay question into the original post.

So here's the essay question:

Computers can translate all kinds of languages well. Do our children need to learn more languages in the future?

I'm not sure that I agree with ChrisLuke here -  I think the essay is on-topic. For example, Alice's thesis statement gives her opinion clearly:

Therefore, although computers are doing a very good on their jobs of translating, children need to learn a foreign language by themselves at school.

I don't think the essay question is really concerned with computers, but it's always difficult to be sure unless we can see the original question. Overall, I'm happy with the essay ideas and structure.

Essay Layout

Let me analyze the layout of Alice's revised essay.

(A big thanks for taking the time to make some of the changes suggested by ChrisLuke and Pedram_Vaziry. Great work guys!  I see some of the things they suggested are still there though. If your reader is not happy with something you wrote, it has to be changed.  Think of business: In business, the customer is king. In writing, the reader is king – not the writer.  Even Nobel Prize-winning writers have editors.  Accept changes, unless they are completely silly.)

Intro

Here, you stated that computers can translate well (one side) but only word for word (other side). Your opinion: children still need to learn. This is fine.

However, you could also give two reasons why children need to learn so that the reader can guess how your essay will be laid out. You can read more about Thesis sentences here.

Here’s one possible thesis sentence you could have used:

I will give some linguistic, cultural, and practical reasons for learning a new language.

Paragraph Two

Here, you gave cultural and linguistic reasons for learning a language.  Maybe this paragraph could separate these more clearly: you have the phrasal verbs and rules, and you also mention culture. These could be reorganized a little. 

I'm also wondering about the links. You wrote:

For example, if children want to learn to write English well, they need to know more idioms and phrasal verbs, therefore, they need to read Shakespeare’s plays or fairy tale of England.

Do I really need to read Shakespeare in order to learn phrasal verbs? That's a scary idea!  More importantly, have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Cohesion (how you link ideas and sentences).

Paragraph Three

Practical advantages of learning languages: This is very clear: advantages for work of being able to speak different languages.

Conclusion

You summarize both sides of your essay nicely. However, I really don't like 'ergo' and the fragment at the end of the paragraph, and I'm not sure I understand the last sentence.

You wrote:

How favourable learning language is. Ergo, children should learn more than a language.

Let's simplify it:

• Every child should have the chance to learn one or two new languages.   OR
• Learning new languages is so useful that it should be mandatory in our schools  OR
• I would advise all students to start learning a new language today.

A couple of other points:

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

You wrote:

In fact, the computer can translate all kinds of languages pretty well. 

‘In fact’ is used after an earlier idea or statement, to make it stronger. It can’t come at the start of an essay. Imagine if someone walked up to you and said “In fact, I haven’t seen you in ages!”  

• One thing for sure that learning language helps it is easier to associate with people→One thing for sure is that learning language makes it easier to associate with people.
   
• Nevertheless, the more languages you know the further money you get and the brighter in your future. →In addition, the more languages you know, the more money you can earn and the brighter your future.
• It gives your children more occasions to find a suitable job.  →It gives your children more opportunities to find a suitable job. 
   
• Learning another language is an intense way to apprehend people and their culture →Learning another language is an intense way to learn about people and their culture. (‘Apprehend’ is not absolutely wrong here, but it’s better to simplify. ‘Comprehend’ might be another choice.)
   
• children need to contact with the lifestyle →children need to be in contact with the lifestyle
   
• By that way,  → In that way
   
• As children learn another language from their childhood, they can speak it frequently when they are adult. →If children learn another language in their childhood, they can speak it more easily when they are adult.
   
• If…..therefore    (Don’t use ‘if’ and ‘therefore’ in the same sentence)

Articles/Possessives/Plurals

•  learning language will improve children knowledge → learning a language will improve the children’s  knowledge
• There are a plenty of jobs→There are plenty of jobs
   
•  people who know more than a language   → people who know more than one language. 
   
• Moreover, bilinguals can also be a translator as well as a businessman with decent salary →
  Moreover, bilinguals can also be translators or businessmen/businesspeople with good salaries   OR 
  Moreover, a bilingual can also be a translator or a businessman with a good salary.
   
• Also, many polyglots can join diplomatic profession →Also, many polyglots can join the diplomatic profession 

Shorten/Simplify

You wrote:

For example, if children want to learn to write English well, they need to know more idioms and phrasal verbs, therefore, they need to read Shakespeare’s plays or fairy tale of England. (32 words, 1 sentence)

Don’t use ‘if’ and ‘therefore’ in the same sentence. There are three ideas here. Let’s break  this 32-word monster up into separate sentences. Keep your sentences short and aim for one idea per sentence, for clarity.

Here’s one possible rewrite:

For example, if children want to learn to write English well, they need to know idioms and phrasal verbs. They can do this by reading English fairy stories or even Shakespeare. 

(Hmmmmm….. what a painful way to learn idioms. I did find this site from ecenglish.com which is a lot easier than reading all Shakespeare’s works just to learn six or seven phrases, but whatever tickles your fancy…)

You wrote:

Also, many polyglots can join diplomatic profession, which requires the recruit to know more than a language, usually offers the highest-paid. (21 words)

Here’s one possible rewrite:

People who speak many languages can also become highly-paid diplomats. (10 words)

Try to keep ‘also’ near the verb, not at the start of the sentence.

Repeated Subject/Punctuation

• For children, who learn more than one language, will have a lot of benefits in the future. →Children who learn more than one language will have a lot of benefits in the future.

Again, thanks for rewriting, and big thanks to ChrisLuke921221 and Pedram_Vaziry for their comments. Much appreciated!

In fact, the computer can translate all kinds of languages pretty well. However, it just translates a word of a language, not the language. One thing for sure that learning language helps it is easier to associate with people and also access to the culture of the world. Nevertheless, the more languages you know the further money you get and the brighter in your future. Therefore, although computers are doing very good on their jobs of translating, children need to learn a foreign language by themselves at school.

Learning another language is an intense way to apprehend people and their culture. To learn efficiently, children need to contact with the lifestyle and culture of people who speak the language as a mother tongue. By that way, learning language will improve children knowledge about information that relates with the language. For example, if children want to learn to write English well, they need to know more idioms and phrasal verbs, therefore, they need to read Shakespeare’s plays or fairy tale of England. Hence, they will know more about Britain culture and history as well.   

For children, who learn more than one language, will have a lot of benefits in the future.  Nowadays, in globalization, business companies prefer to recruit bilinguals than monoglots. As children learn another language from their childhood, they can speak it frequently when they are adult. It also gives children more opportunities to find an appropriate job in the future. There are a plenty of jobs for people who know more than a language. For example, a British can be a Chinese teacher if he or she knows Chinese. Moreover, bilinguals can also be a translator as well as a businessman with decent salary. Also, many polyglots can join diplomatic profession, which requires the recruit to know more than a language, usually offers the highest-paid.

Learning is good, especially learning another language. It gives your children more occasions to find a suitable job. Besides language, children also learn more about culture, religious and people around the world. How favourable learning language is. Ergo, children should learn more than a language.

1. It is true that computers can translate all kinds of languages pretty good. However, it just translates a word of a language, not the language. -> it means computer, because I don't want to repeat the word "computer" therefore I use it. Can you recommend me other choice?

3. Topic is : If computers can translate languages, will children need to learn languages at school?

-> actually this is the topic:

Computers can translate all kinds of languages well. Do our children need to learn more languages in the future?

because I post a long topic, so admin reduced it :(

Also, thank you very much pedram_vaziry, I really appreciate the effort you put on my essay :) I think these sentences, which you recommended me, are really easy to read :) Thanks a lot!

Thank you, guys! I will reread and rewrite my essay, anyway :)

//
//

Thank you for your essay. I know it is really challenging to write an essay. The situation get worst if we want to write it, in foreign language.

First of all I advice you to read this webpage http://staging5.writefix.com/?page_id=1813 about parts of essay as it is really helpful.

I will make some comments on your essay, althogh; I am not good at English. Therefore I ask Admin to read this comments and correct them if there is an error.

Introduction:

you wrote: it just translates a word of a language, not the language.

 it is better to write: computer can just translate word by word not the whole sentence. Therefore, maybe it make some errors and misunderstandings.

you wrote: learning language will improve children knowledge about information that relates with the language.

It is a bit difficult to understand what you mean. I think it is better to write this way: Learning new language give children the opportunity to get more familiar with the culture and lifestyle of people who speak that language.

you wrote: Nowadays, in globalization, business companies prefer bilinguals than monoglot.

I suggest: Nowadays, as a result of gelobalization; multinational companies tend to recruit bilinguals rather than monologues.

you wrote: As people learn another language from childhood, they can speak it frequently when they are adult.

But I think it is not a good time for saying this word. I believe it is better to write it after the first sentence of this paragraph.

you worte: It also gives children more opportunities to find an appropriate job.

Do you mean children works??? Or you mean they can find appropriate job in future.

I ask Mr. Enda to correct my mistakes.

Thanks A lot

Great structure and easy to read.

Some comments:

1. It is true that computers can translate all kinds of languages pretty good. However, it just translates a word of a language, not the language.

(it?  computers or what else?)

2.One thing for sure that learning language helps it is easier to associate with people and also access to the culture of the world

(........hmmmm.....helps it is?  it???)

3. Topic is : If computers can translate languages, will children need to learn languages at school?

Therefore, children need to know more than a language.??????????  (i think your essay is a bit off-topic...)

4. children need to contact with the lifestyle and culture of people who speak the language as a mother tongue

(hmmmmm....)

5learning language will improve children knowledge about information that relates with the language ( knowledge and information?)

6 .For example, if children want to learn to write English well, they need to know more idioms and phrasal verbs, (.)therefore, they need to read Shakespeare’s plays or fairy tale(s) of England.

7. Hence, they will know more about Britain culture and history as well.     (therefore then hence?????)

8.For children, who learn more than one language, will have benefit(s) in the future

9. An instance, you know Chinese; you can teach Chinese. Bilinguals can also be a translator as well as a businessman with decent salary. (for instance.  you know Chinese; you can teach Chinese?  if....?    

overall, your essay is easy to ready but it is COMPLETELY off-topic cuz i have been searching for "Computer" through your essay , unfortunately, i still couldnt find it in the end.    this essay you wrote is more like "would it good for the children to learn more than on language , agree or disagree rather than IF COMPUTER CAN TRANSLATE THE LANGUAGES..BLAH BLAH BLAH.". there are other grammatical errors and i reckon you might need to rewrite part of your essay . But on the whole, your essay is good and very "smooth"....keep on writing . great work.

Learning another language is an intense way to apprehend people and their culture. To learn efficiently, children need to contact with the lifestyle and culture of people who speak the language as a mother tongue. By that way, learning language will improve children knowledge about information that relates with the language. For example, if children want to learn to write English well, they need to know more idioms and phrasal verbs, therefore, they need to read Shakespeare’s plays or fairy tale of England. Hence, they will know more about Britain culture and history as well.   

For children, who learn more than one language, will have benefit in the future.  Nowadays, in globalization, business companies prefer bilinguals than monoglot. As people learn another language from childhood, they can speak it frequently when they are adult. It also gives children more opportunities to find an appropriate job. There are a lot of jobs for people who know more than a language. An instance, you know Chinese; you can teach Chinese. Bilinguals can also be a translator as well as a businessman with decent salary.

Learning is good, especially learning another language. It gives your children more occasions to find a suitable job. Besides language, children also learn more about culture, religious and people around the world. How favourable learning language is. Ergo, children should learn more than a language.