Thank you very much for your great and useful comments. I very appreciate it.

Here are a couple of grammar and usage points on your essay. 

Agreement/ Possessive

• Children personality and trait is thoroughly depends on how their parents react to their behavior  → 

A child’s personality and traits depend on how their parents react to their behavior.  
OR 
Children’s personalities and traits depend on how their parents react to their behavior. 

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

• Sometimes it is need to reward children and courage them  →Sometimes it is necessary to reward children and encourage them
   
• I will explain shortly how to response to children’s behavior.→ I will explain briefly how to respond to children’s behavior.
• when children behave in the rude way, →when children behave rudely  OR when children are rude  OR when children behave badly   (Try to eliminate ‘way’ and ‘thing’ from your writing)
   
• If this step doesn’t work, parents have to take more strict reaction. →If this step doesn’t work, parents have to react more strictly.
   
• Parents could deprive their children of their interested pastimes. →Parents could deprive their children of their favorite pastimes.

You wrote:

Sometimes it is necessary to reward children and courage them, while in other positions, should choose strict stand and even punish children →

The subject of the second part of this long sentence is missing. Short sentences are easier to write, read and fix! Here’s are some rewrites:

• Sometimes it is necessary to reward children and courage them, while in other cases, parents need to make a strict stand and even punish children.    

OR

• Sometimes it is necessary to reward children and encourage them, while in other situations, it is better to be strict or even punish them.

Word order

• Even parents could give them a present. → Parents could even give them a present
   
• Parents should explain them the situation → Parents should explain the situation to them
   
• To conclude, in regard to treat children and convey them to act well, parents play a big role. →To conclude, how parents treat their children plays a big role in encouraging them to behave well.

Shorten/Simplify

• To illustrate the situation with an example → For example

You wrote:

However, it is important to reward children but we have to remember if we exceed to do these encouragement activities, it will lose its influence. (25 words, one sentence)

There are a lot of clauses and phrases and ideas here. We can’t use ‘But’ and ‘However’ in the same sentence. Here’s one possible rewrite:

It is important to reward children. However, both praise and punishment will lose their effectiveness if we overuse them.  (19 words, two sentences, average 9.5 words per sentence)  OR

Rewards for good behavior are useful, but both praise and punishment are less effective if we overuse them. (18 words, 1 sentence)

Fragment

You wrote:

Neither too many rewards nor too many punishments. 

This is a fragment, not a complete sentence. It needs to be joined to another sentence or get its own subject and verb.

Thus, parents must choose a moderate attitude toward their children, with neither too many rewards nor punishments.  
OR (as separate, complete sentences)

Thus, parents must choose a moderate attitude toward their children.  Too many rewards aor punishments will not help the child to learn good behavior.

A big thanks to Ngo Duy Quang and Shieiuan for their comments. More on these below.

Word Count

Pedram, remember that if an essay looks short, the first thing an examiner will do is count. They will carefully count every word, and mark you down extravagantly and with gusto according to the number of words.

if you have big phrases that are from the prompt they will not be counted. To be safe, write over 250 words -  260 or 270 is probably perfect. If it looks long and doesn't contain massive chunks from the question, the examiner will probably not count it.

Comments by Ngo Duy Quang and Shieiuan

The most important point was that both of them said you needed more ideas, and I agree 100%. This will make your essay longer, and will balance your paragraphs. In paragraph two, you have basically only one idea and one example. -  complimenting a child or giving a present when they behave well. You should aim for three ideas, each with an example. Paragraph Three has two ideas. 

Grammar, Word Choice

Ngo Duy Quang and Shieiuan both made many grammar suggestions. Their solutions are not always right, but their comments are usually because of some grammar problem in the original essay. It seems if something doesn't sound or feel right, readers are able to find it, even if they can't always fix the original.  Generally however, some very good suggestions. 

Which of these is correct? 

1. Parents should explain to them the situation 
2. Parents should to explain them the situation
3. Parents should explain them the situation
4. Parents should explain the situation to them
5. Parents should to explain the situation to them

Simplify

Pedram wrote:

To illustrate the situation with an example

It's not wrong, but it's very wordy. Ngo Duy Quang suggested the much easier and clearer:

For example, 

Other changes included removing unnecessary words and simplifying. Great work, everyone!

Good sentence

I really like Pedram_Vaziry's summary sentence for Paragraph Two:

Obviously this kind of treatment will have a positive impact on children and will persuade them to repeat it again. 

In general, your essay is well-structured and contains good ideas. However, there are some minor mistakes which should be improved.

Your essay is only 246 words in length and it doesn't meet the demand for an IELTS essay which should be at least 250 words. Your body paragraphs are quite short, so you can expand your ideas, give more ideas and examples.

You also have some mistakes about grammar

Children personality and trait is thoroughly depends(depend thoroughly) on how their parents react to their behavior. Parents should take different actions in different situations. Sometimes, it is need(necessary) to reward children and courage them, while in other positions(situations), parents should choose strict stand and even punish children. In this essay, I will explain shortly how to response to children’s behavior.

To motivate children when acting well to act well, it is vital to compliment and encourage them to do this kind of activity more and more. Even parents could give them a present in case of doing well. Obviously, this kind of treatment will have a positive impact on children and will persuade them to repeat it again.

On the other hand, when children behave in the rude way, parents should choose another reaction. Firstly, parents should talk to their children, explain them the situation and make them aware of their bad action. If this step doesn’t work, parents have to take more strict reaction. To illustrate the situation with an example(For instance/example), parents could deprive their children of their interested pastimes.

To conclude, in regard to treat children and convey them to act well, parents play a big role. They have to take different stands, in different positions. However, it is important to reward children but we have to remember if we exceed to do these encouragement activities (this encouragement), it will lose its influence(it will no longer influence them). Thus, parents must choose a moderate attitude toward their children. Neither too many rewards nor too many punishments.

Some people are of the opinion that children should be rewarded for good behavior. Others think they should be punished for bad behavior. Discuss both views and give your personal opinion and reasons.

Children's personality and trait is thoroughly depends on how their parents react to their behavior. Parents should take different actions in different situations. Sometimes it is need to reward children and courage them, while in other positions, should choose strict stand and even to punish children them. In this essay, I will explain shortly how to response to children’s behavior.

To motivate children when acting behaving well, it is vital to compliment and encourage them to do this kind of activity more and more. Even parents could give them a present in case of doing well. Obviously this kind of treatment will have a positive impact on children and will persuade them to repeat it again. ( This paragraph is slightly weaker than paragraph 3. Maybe you should consdier to develop more ideas to make your statement well developt and more persuaddive.)

On the other hand, when children behave in the rude way, parents should choose another reaction to avoid it happen again. Firstly, parents should talk to their children, explain to them the situation and make them aware of their bad action. If this step doesn’t work, parents have to take more strict reaction. To illustrate the situation with an example, parents could deprive their children of their interested pastimes. ( This paragraph is better than paragraph 2) 

To conclude, in regard to treat children and convey them to act well, parents play a big role. They have to take different stands approach, in different positions  scenarios. However, it is important to reward children but we have to remember if we exceed to do these encouragement activities, it will lose its influence. Thus, parents must choose a moderate attitude toward their children. Neither too many rewards nor too many punishments.

Children personality and trait is thoroughly depends on how their parents react to their behavior. Parents should take different actions in different situations. Sometimes it is need to reward children and courage them, while in other positions, should choose strict stand and even punish children. In this essay, I will explain shortly how to response to children’s behavior.

To motivate children when acting well, it is vital to compliment and encourage them to do this kind of activity more and more. Even parents could give them a present in case of doing well. Obviously this kind of treatment will have a positive impact on children and will persuade them to repeat it again.

On the other hand, when children behave in the rude way, parents should choose another reaction. Firstly, parents should talk to their children, explain them the situation and make them aware of their bad action. If this step doesn’t work, parents have to take more strict reaction. To illustrate the situation with an example, parents could deprive their children of their interested pastimes.

To conclude, in regard to treat children and convey them to act well, parents play a big role. They have to take different stands, in different positions. However, it is important to reward children but we have to remember if we exceed to do these encouragement activities, it will lose its influence. Thus, parents must choose a moderate attitude toward their children. Neither too many rewards nor too many punishments.