The beat way to overcome youth unemployment, I think, is to encourage the youngsters to begin their own small businesses.

Reading this kind of essays is really enjoyable for me.

A good thesis sentence helps you and the reader.

It helps you because in one sentence you write down and fix in your brain what you will talk about and the order you will do it in. It helps the reader because he or she can predict how your essay will be laid out.

Always have one. Examiners like to see them because ƒa good thesis sentence probably means that the writer is going to present "a clear central topic within each paragraph" (Band 7) or at least "arranges information and ideas coherently and there is a clear overall progression" (Band 6). (These come from the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version.)

You can read more about Thesis sentences here.

Don't write one which could be used in a million essays:

• I have my opinion and I will share it with you now  OR
• I agree with the contentious statement above which has sparked heated debate among sociologists and many respected and reputed academicians and below I will express some reasons which will support my personal position on this question.

(I feel sick just from typing these words).

Instead, have a thesis sentence which lays out the essay and probably gives your opinion:

This essay will explain why requiring equal numbers of male and female students in university classes is unfair for both male and female students and bad for the university.

The reader can now reasonably expect three paragraphs: one about why it's bad for women, another about why it's bad for men, and a third about the effect on the university.

Is it important about 'thesis sentence' in IELTS?? I found out that you always said about it before.Thanks.

This is an excellent essay. Well done and thanks for taking the time to do the rewrite.

The only change's I'd make would be to change one word ('common' instead of 'popular' in Paragraph Two) and remove a couple of commas in the concluding sentence:

• We, as a community, need to take effective steps, including helping youngsters to start their own businesses and requiring universities to pay more attention to vocational skills, to finally resolve this problem. OR
• As a community, we need to take effective steps, including helping youngsters to start their own businesses and requiring universities to pay more attention to vocational skills, to finally resolve this problem. OR even
• As a community, we need to take effective steps to resolve this problem, including helping youngsters to start their own businesses and requiring universities to pay more attention to vocational skills.

Otherwise, I'm very happy with it.

Nowadays intelligent youngsters are graduating in droves from universities in China, but in most cases, they go unemployed in the end. The situation is increasingly severe year by year, giving rise to many individual and social problems. In this essay I will firstly discuss the detrimental effects of youth unemployment and then propose some ways to overcome it.

The proliferation of youth unemployment is detrimental to various aspects of our society. Obviously, unemployment leads to personal financial problems. College graduates, with no job, have to turn to their parents for help. This is becoming more and more popular, and is putting a dead burden on the back of our already worn-out elderly people. Furthermore, A few unemployed youth may even go to such an extreme as to trade their body for food and living place, which sabotages our social morality and drives up the crime rate. Thirdly, the fact that youngsters can not benefit from what they have learned in colleges makes people think that college education is worthless. The proliferation of similar ideas induces significant declination of college enrollments, hampering talent cultivation and national technology development.

There are several ways to address this problem. The beat way to overcome youth unemployment, I think, is to encourage the youngsters to begin their own small businesses. The problem of youth unemployment used to be so severe in the 1980s of China that it threatened social safety and stability. The government then allowed the proliferation of "self-employing entreprises", which greatly relieved the problem of youth unemployment and promoted economy development. What's also important is for the colleges and universities to impart students more vocational skills. Academic studying and practical, employable skills should always go hand in hand.

Youth unemployment causes grievous problems to both individuals and our society . We, as a community, need to take effective steps, including helping youngsters to start their own businesses, and requiring universities to pay more attention to vocational skills, to finally resolve this problem.

Thanks for the comments. I like the one about the conclusion sounding rushed or hurried. I agree!

But I didn't spot the fact that the last sentence is generic. Well done!  It could indeed be used in a million essays.

Lifei wrote:

We, as a society, needs to make a concerted effort to combat this problem.

Here’s one possible rewrite:

We, as a society, can combat this problem by helping young people get started in business and by providing more useful skills in college.

I’ve reformatted the essay -   I hope you don’t mind.

Introduction

You don’t have a thesis sentence. You can read more about Thesis sentences here. Thesis sentences help you and help the reader. 

Here’s one possible thesis sentence:

In this essay I will look at financial, social and educational effects of youth unemployment and suggest some ways to overcome the problem.

Yes, it’s long (23 words), but we will write a lot of short sentences to balance it.

 Paragraph 2

Your first sentence here is about financial problems.  This indicates to the reader that the entire paragraph will be about finance. This is not the case: you discuss finance, and crime or social problems, and education. Write a short topic sentence:

Youth unemployment can cause financial stress and damage society and the education system.  (13 words)

You have good ideas and examples in the paragraph

 Paragraph 3

Again, your ‘topic’ sentence talks about small businesses, but this is only one part of the paragraph. Write a short topic sentence which summarizes the entire paragraph.  It can be boring:

There are several ways to address youth unemployment.

Conclusion

I agree completely with Alison’s comment -  I laughed when I saw how correct she was. Your conclusion is very weak. You’ve done the minimum but it needs to be more specific without having new information. It’s a balancing act!  You can also look to the future and give a personal opinion

Overall your ideas are excellent and well supported, and your choice of vocabulary and range of structures is generally very good.

My main recommendation is to make life easier for the reader by adding some thesis and topic sentences.

Your essay is clear, which is good. But there are some little grammar errors in it too. Also, I feel some of the sentences are not very "smooth".

INTRO.

Intelligent youngsters are graduating in droves from universities and colleges nowadays in China, 

but in most cases, they go unemployed in the end. The situation is increasingly severe year 

by year, inducing many individual and social problems.

 

revised

Every year intelligent youngsters are graduating in droves from universities in China. But many are unemployed in the end. Unfortunately, this phenomenon is increasingly severe year by year, causing endless trouble for both the individuals and the society.

 CONCLUSION

Your conclusion is too short and simple. It gives me a feeling that you were tired of writing this essay and felt sick of doing it so you completed it rashly. This sentence——“needs to make a concerted effort to combat this problem” can be used in thousands of essays.

So you must specialize it, in order to be distinctive.

 Your body part is good. Just don't make your essay less impressive because of the rash conclusion.

Intelligent youngsters are graduating in droves from universities and colleges nowadays in China, but in most cases, they go unemployed in the end. The situation is increasingly severe year by year, inducing many individual and social problems.

Obviously, unemployment leads to personal financial problems. College graduates, with no job, have to turn to their parents for help. This is becoming more and more popular, and is putting a dead burden on the back of our already worn-out elderly people. Furthermore, A few unemployed youth may even go to such an extreme as to trade their body for food and living place, which sabotages our social morality and drives up the crime rate. Thirdly, the fact that youngsters can not benefit from what they have learned in colleges makes people think that college education is worthless. The proliferation of similar ideas induces significant declination of college enrollments, hampering talent cultivation and national technology development.

The beat way to overcome youth unemployment, I think, is to encourage the youngsters to begin their own small businesses. The problem of youth unemployment used to be so severe in the 1980s of China that it posed a threat to social safety and stability. The government then allowed the widespread of "self-employing entreprises", which greatly relieved the problem of youth unemployment and promoted economy development. What's also important is for the colleges and universities to impart students more vocational skills. Academic studying and practical, employable skills should always go hand in hand.

Youth unemployment causes grievous problems to both individuals and our society. We, as a society, needs to make a concerted effort to combat this problem.