Discuss both views and give your own opinion?

There always are some different opinions among public about how should the government use their budgets reasonably. Some people think education and medicare should obtain more financial support than arts, while others think fund for artists essential too. In this essay, I will explain why I think the fund for schools and hospitals should have higher priority than arts.

An integrated health service and a well covered education system are two foundational aspects for a country to develop consistently. Firstly, a good education system allow more people to go to school and get trained. Therefore, these skillful and knowledgeable workers are more likely to performance higher productivity. Secondly, a well-developed and reliable public health care system is a strong support to citizens, especially for those people who are working. Because they know they will get help if health problem occurs, they are more dedicate to their work.

On the other hand, a fund for art creation is not entirely unnecessary. Art works can delight people's life, comfort their mind and release their stress. For example, people may find peaceful from a book or a painting, or simply enjoy a weekend by attending an arts exhibition. But all these effects have a prior condition: people's living standard has to have reached a certain level. If a man can barely feed his family, then art works will mean nothing to him.

According to the reasons and examples above, I believe that the government should set up their health and education system first. Although the fund for arts is useful, it should only be considered after people have a good living.

=====================================================================

I was going to extend the 2nd paragraph more and only left the examples in paragraph 3, because i have more ideas to support p2. But the task ask to "Discuss both views", so at the end i choose to write my essay as above. I am not sure which way is better, assume my additional sentences in p2 is more beautiful?

You're welcome! Take some time and really try to work out these errors before submitting another one. We look forward to big improvements! When is your exam?

Hope I will do better in my next one.

You have some good ideas here and some good phrases, but there are a lot of errors with punctuation and with half-memorized phrases. Try to simplify and keep your vocabulary as simple as possible.

Articles

• Growth of a country →  the growth of a country
• government has to look out for → governments have to look out OR the government has to look out
• I would like to discuss few points → I would like to discuss a few points
• it should also pay some attention towards artistic world → It should also pay attention to the artistic world.

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

• each and every sector → every sector
• reather that spending money →rather than spending money on
• Furthermore, by cprioritising these basic needs would also create them a good reputation among people, this encourages them to do it more. → Furthermore, prioritizing these basic needs creates a good impression among voters.
• Its quite unethical → It’s quite unethical
• Deviate  → allocate/divert

Use verbs instead of nouns: keep sentences short. Remove unnecessary words:

• government has to lay emphasis on health,education,food, shelter,and other miscellaneous basic needs of the people →
  The government has to emphasize health, education, food, shelter, and other basic needs.

Punctuation: Commas

Madina, be careful with your punctuation. Watch out for commas -  if you are not sure, leave them out. Don’t use them to join or split sentences.

Put ONE space after each punctuation mark -  commas, full stop, etc. Don’t leave a space before a punctuation mark.

• it is also argued that,  governments  → it is also argues that governments
• Its quite unethical to deviate the money spent on these basic sectors, to improve the artistic works → It’s unethical to divert money from these basic sectors towards art.

Punctuation: Comma Splice

• Furthermore, by cprioritising these basic needs would also create them a good reputation among people, this encourages them to do it more..

A comma splice is a pair or a group of sentences which should be separate, but which are joined by a comma. They are easy to fix -  just use a full stop. Generally, with commas, I recommend that if you are not sure, just leave them out! Learn more about comma splices here.

Thesis sentence

You wrote:

In this essay ,I would like to discuss few points for and against regarding the expenditure for the department of arts.

Why not specify? Find out more about Thesis sentences here.

Here’s one possible rewrite:

In this essay, I would like to stress that the government’s first priority is to take care of essential services, but it also has a responsibility to encourage the arts.

Develop your ideas

You wrote:

There are people who mainly rely upon their artistic skills to lead their life. 

What does this mean?  Can you give an example?  Every idea should be supported by examples. Have a look at the official IELTS descriptors for Task 2 Writing here, under Task Response, and look for the word ‘ideas.’

Thanks for our ancestors,its because of their efforts, we have lots of beautiful places to visit ,relax, enjoy our life,.→

Why are our ancestors mentioned? How is this related to art? The idea needs to be fully developed.

Cohesion

You wrote:

There are people who mainly rely upon their artistic skills to lead their life. This lays an emphasis the government to take care of the necessities of those people.

How do these sentences join together?  What does the word ‘this’ refer to?  And shouldn’t the second sentence be in the previous paragraph? It’s a little confusing.

Standard phrases: Leave them out or use them properly!

All the phrases below are wrong, or are used incorrectly.

• It is vivid that,
• it is unambiguous
• it is also argued that,
• In this essay ,I would like to discuss few points for and against regarding
• In contrary,

My advice is not to use them. They don’t contribute anything to your essay. Leave them out. If you want to use them, you will need to sit down and spend time to remember them perfectly. You can see more examples of tired old phrases and generic sentences here and here. Please try to avoid using these phrases.  

Overall, Madina, you need to be more careful with punctuation, articles, and you need to make sure ideas are fully developed. I would recommend using a simpler layout with fewer paragraphs.  You can find more about 3773 layout here.

Run your essays through Microsoft Word before posting. Fix all the red and green underlines. If you don't know how to turn on the error checking in Word, have a look under "Useful Links" above.

Looking forward to seeing some more careful essays soon!

            It is vivid that, government has to lay emphasis on health,education,food, shelter,and other miscellaneous basic needs of the people. Its quite unethical to deviate the money spent on these basic sectors, to improve the artistic works

            Besides this, the ruling party generally focuses more on daily short term needs rather than aloocating more money to build musems,gallaries and so on for the future generation.Furthermore, by cprioritising these basic needs would also create them a good reputation among people, this encourages them to do it more..

            In contrary,getting well versed in a n art is  considered as a god’s gift.Every art is unique.There are people who mainly rely upon their artistic skills to lead their life. This lays an emphasis the government to take care of the necessities of those people.

            Artitist’s makes places more beautiful.This helps to attract more people,which in turn improves tourism,uplifts the trade and economy.Thanks for our ancestors,its because of their efforts, we have lots of beautiful places to visit ,relax, enjoy our life,.

            Every artistic work is peculiar for a particular country which brings up pride to the country,.So the artists would get benefitted only if few steps are taken in favour of them by the ruling suthority.

            To conclude,it is unambiguous that government should offer more preference to the basic needsof the people but at the same time it should also pay some attention towards artistic world