Young men and women struggle for positions which is thought the old already have occupied them throughout the world.  They think as today most young people are equipped with fine education therefore they are entitled to take such positions. But it seems that to achieve such goals youngsters should stay at the end of a long queue.

However, old people have valuable experience of life. Indeed this cannot be easily neglected.  The elderly could be a mentor passing on some advice to the young who now run into trouble. Since old people have already been in such circumstances can guide the young.

Meanwhile showing respect to the old is something common in almost every culture.  People are likely to praise elderly apart from what they have done or been. No one wonders if you hold your grandmother or grandfather in high esteem. In fact people might think of that time they will become old, less energetic and fail to do their daily routine, but hope that the others consider their conditions and be treated with respect.

I think the old people need to be valued greatly.  The young can take advantage of many experiences the old gained in their youth.  However, young people should have the chance to show their abilities and take high positions.

Some people think that cultural traditions may be destroyed when they are used as money-making attractions aimed at tourists. Others believe that is the only way to save these traditions. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

 

Today, as the disposable income of citizens are increasing,(irrelevant with topic) travelling to historical attractions and learning other cultures is becoming popular. Some residents(local inhabitant /aborigines）worry about that the surging tourist population would disrupt the normal life and ruin the culture in their hometown.( will make effort to protect their inherent culture and tradition)

 In this essay, I will analyze the link between tourists and tourist attractions(should be protection and making money), and explain why congested travelers may jeopardize the local cultural tradition.

 

Regarding the place where has historical value as tourist destination elevate its reputation( i can't understand this, grammar meaning); therefore, both local inhabitants and governments could earn more money. Citizens and authorities could utilize these funds to improve their living standard of citizens and to protect the old architectures respectively. Tourists also propagandize the characteristics of the place which impress them most to their companions. It is the reputation that attracts increasing number of visitors to visit the place and disseminates the cultural tradition to more people. Achieving the attention from governments is another reason. If the culture is popular enough, governors would take measures to protect this culture efficiently.

 

you go around the topic with the theme in para2. u should discuss how tourist benefit historical protection or how negative damage protection, which is not detailed and deeply. 

 

However, the crowded travelers undermine the ambience of the tourist venue. Residents become more materialistic. For instance, some local residents in famous historical villages cheat tourists amid the temptation of profit. Cultural transformation is happening in these places and changing their morality. Some tourists ruin the architectures and historical treasure as well, such as lettering on the priceless brick and touching the objects arbitrarily. Also, the excessive number of tourists makes the tourist attractions bustle and hustle, and the tranquil and serene living habits lost.

 

more detailed discussion than para2, need logic and clear thinking.

 

Even though attracting more people increases the income of local citizens and elevates the reputation of the place, it jeopardizes the life style of the local residents. Be it residents or scenery, the local historical culture cannot be fully protected. Instead, governments should shoulder more responsibility.

 

finally, you use too much difficult and rare words, can u still write them out in exam conditions? ielts needs accurate first then difficulty.

para1:

Every country has their own museums to inherit culture and history. Some museums are not free to visitors while others are not. According to my personal knowledge museums’ cultural weigh in a specific country, economic factors and heritage conservation maybe three main measurements to justify which one is better.

para3:

Secondly, in some non developed countries museums and collections can not obtain sufficient government’s subsidies. So, entry fee is an important way for their operation. Only ensuring museums’ existence can collections be protected. Fee revenue can finance deficit in museums’ operation, which maintains basic expenses. This mode is a general way for some private museums or in poor countries. Even fee is the only way for a museum’s existence in Asian or African countries due to without governmental investment or donations.

in conclusion:

 free or charge depends on specific situation in individual country.

i want say in some poor countries or private museums.

Thanks for your kindness.

I've learnt a lot from your suggestions and corrections.

loves,

Thanks so much for your strategic comments.

I will rewrite it soon.

Regards,

mzahed,

Welcome back. You got your last essay in just in time!

Thanks to DavidLee for his comments. I’ve included some of his suggestions below.

Well done on reaching 259 words in (almost) the right time!  Did that 50 minutes include your planning?  Well done also on your topic sentences. They are clear and simple.

You have a sentence about television in Paragraph Three that I think should move to Paragraph Two (the paragraph about technology). As well as moving it, I would like to see another sentence supporting the idea or giving an example  - how does the TV program help?  Make sure you support your ideas.

Ideas

More ideas would be good. Brainstorm like crazy before you start to write. Have a look at an example of what I mean here. You should cover the paper with related words, opposites, similar words; you should change verbs from the question into nouns, nouns into adjectives; adjectives into adverbs.

Don't start to write until you have SIX ideas. I think you have five, and I think one is in the wrong place (perhaps it isn't, but it needs more support).

Introduction

Your opening is very complicated. You wrote:

• In connection with the relationship of families, a lot of people feel that this link is being diluted in this globalize society.

I like 'diluted,' but I don’t like the opening phrase and the awkward ‘this link’ reference. Here’s one possible rewrite:

Many people worry that relationships in families are being diluted in our globalized modern society.

Or why not just use an easy Past/Present opening?  

In the past families grew up, worked and stayed together over generations in the same village or area. Today, however, …

Or you could use a One place/Other place

In many rural areas in Laos, families live as they have for centuries, with grandparents, grandchildren, cousins and relatives living and working together. However, life is changing, and in the cities, more people live alone or far away from their families.

You can read some examples of Introductions here.

Thesis

Your  thesis sentence  could be used in a million essays. Try to make every sentence related to the topic.  You wrote:

The reasons for that will be stated in the following paragraphs.

Here’s one possible rewrite:

I will show that technology and our culture are helping to maintain the bond between family members.

This sentence helps the reader because it shows the order in which you are going to present your paragraphs. It helps you to get the essay straight in your mind and keeps you on topic. It shows the examiner that you really understand the topic and that you will probably have a ‘clear central topic ‘ in each paragraph.

 Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

• closure → closeness
   
• regardless the global changes in societies. → regardless of the global changes in societies.
   
• In addition, our relationships and ethics always assimilate family’s members firmly → In addition, our relationships and ethics always strengthen family members’  connections/bonds   OR  In addition, our relationships and ethics always bring the family together /link the family
   
• This paper will claim → This essay will claim    OR  I will claim   [‘this paper’ is very formal. It’s good for a research paper or a long assignment, but not really for 250 words]
   
• as long as we regard our religion and morality. →  as long as we respect our religion and morality  OR   as long as we regard our religion and morality with respect
   
• In societies, people are taught to love each other especially love our family-line. → In our society [you could specify here], we are taught to love each other, especially our family members.
• Lao New Year is one of those which all family members are supposed to gather and enjoy the event.  → Lao New Year is a time when all family members are supposed to gather and celebrate.   OR   Lao New Year is an important celebration for family members.
• For instance = For example  [ same -  choose which one you like here]
   
• there are a lot of /plenty of/many religious events. [‘Many ‘ is more formal than ‘plenty of’ or ‘a lot of’]

These three are all correct:

• New technology helps maintain our intimate links.
• New technology helps to maintain our intimate links.
• New technology helps us to maintain our intimate links.

Overall, some good topic sentences, and some good ideas (more examples and ideas are always good!). Aim for a simple opening.

Your essay is very abstract. You have phrases like

• our current condition
• the efficiency of the family, society, and professions
• the integral parts of any successful system
• weighting factor
• two valuable resources
• these two key factors have a direct link with each other
• an optimized system
• employing these factors
• a rigorous family base
• the reasons behind my approach

Where is Mzahed? It’s clear that an engineer or an analyst is at work here! The essay is very academic, and there are no specific examples, apart from one sentence about how old people teach us the meaning of ‘father,’ ‘mother,’ and ‘love.’

I’m joking, partly, but I would prefer to see more examples here.  Where are the examples from your experience and knowledge?

The Task 2 IELTS question asks

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your knowledge or experience.

You’ve done the first part, but the second part is very dry, academic, and abstract. Where are the examples from your experience?

It doesn’t have to be a story or a novel or a romantic movie, but a few examples would really communicate the main ideas more effectively than this flowchart-style.

What is a ‘rigorous family base’?  What is our ‘current condition’? How can we ‘employ them’ in our lives?  What ‘economic’ benefits do young people bring, other than to Apple and Nike?

I’d love to see this essay completely rewritten – not revised – completely rewritten, and made full of examples of old people, young people, real people and ideas and stories from your experience, not from a textbook in economics.

Tired phrases and overuse or misuse of cohesive devices

Part of the problem is the use of these phrases to introduce sentences.

• It should be noted that
• Therefore
• It is obvious that  [NO comma]
• It is undeniable that
• However…. Hence
• there has been a lot of controversy among people

Some of these cohesive devices are used correctly, some are not. (You can see more examples of tired old phrases and generic sentences here and here.)  But the essay does not flow well. There are simply not enough examples. With examples and stories you can dispense with many cohesive devices because the story will tell itself and the essay will flow automatically.

Possible Ideas

• Tell us about young people and what they do.
• Tell us about old people you know and what they do.
• If you were an employer, how long would you keep old people on your payroll?
• Or would you hire only fresh graduates?
• Do you know a company with both young and old?
• How does your society/culture/country/religion/town/family look after its young people and its old people?
• How far beyond the cliches of "we respect our elders" and "young people are our future" does your town/employer/family go? Are there activities for older people? Who looks after them? Can they work? Is there enough for young people to do? Does the government give them jobs?
• What is one thing that really bugs you about old people?
• Is an ageing population a good thing?
• Is having a huge number of young people a good thing for a country's economy?

Again, it's worth quoting the IELTS question prompt:

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your knowledge or experience.

Your essay will be easier to read and easier to write if you relax and just tell a few stories!

I was just looking at your discussion about the layout.

As I said, I'm reasonably happy with the layout. Ma Frank has three paragraphs in the body:

1. well-funded or important museums are justified to charge for admission, and are worth it
2. other less well-funded museums charge because they (1) don't have enough government funds and (2) want to keep some people out
3. keeping people out is not good.

It might be better if there were some clearer topic sentences, and if the thesis sentence had previewed what we were going to read.

The important point is not the number of paragraphs, but that each paragraph has a 'clear central topic.' (Band 7, in the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here.)

I prefer simple layouts like

• 3773 (intro, museums should charge, museums should not charge, conclusion) 
• 3773 (intro, museums should not charge, museums should charge, conclusion) 
• 35553 (intro, museums should charge, museums should charge, museums should charge, conclusion)
• 35553 (intro, museums should not charge, museums should not charge, museums should not charge, conclusion)

 ...but any other layout of paragraphs is fine, as long as the topic of each paragraph is clear and it's easy for the reader to find out what you are saying, AND as long as you mark the change from paragraph to paragraph.

Read more about 3773 and 35553 layouts here.

I was just looking at your discussion about the layout.

As I said, I'm reasonably happy with the layout. Ma Frank has three paragraphs in the body:

1. well-funded or important museums are justified to charge for admission, and are worth it
2. other less well-funded museums charge because they (1) don't have enough government funds and (2) want to keep some people out
3. keeping people out is not good.

It might be better if there were some clearer topic sentences, and if the thesis sentence had previewed what we were going to read.

The important point is not the number of paragraphs, but that each paragraph has a 'clear central topic.' (Band 7, in the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here.)

I prefer simple layouts like

• 3773 (intro, museums should charge, museums should not charge, conclusion) 
• 3773 (intro, museums should not charge, museums should charge, conclusion) 
• 35553 (intro, museums should charge, museums should charge, museums should charge, conclusion)
• 35553 (intro, museums should not charge, museums should not charge, museums should not charge, conclusion)

 ...but any other layout of paragraphs is fine, as long as the topic of each paragraph is clear and it's easy for the reader to find out what you are saying, AND as long as you mark the change from paragraph to paragraph.

Read more about 3773 and 35553 layouts here.

A new topic, thanks - where did you find it? It's great when people suggest real topics accurately.

Your essay is 321 words long. Are you sure that you’ve practiced writing against the clock by hand?  I don’t think I could do 320 words in 30 minutes (and that’s not counting 5-10 minutes planning and head-scratching time!)

 Print out this sample IELTS Writing Task 2 Answer sheet from the official IELTS website, and practice writing by hand in 35 - 40 minutes. For most people, 300 words is about a page and a half. There are 20 lines on each side.  

It’s important to practice by hand at least once or twice. Typing on the computer is not the same. You don’t have time to reorganize when you are writing by hand.  You have to get it right the first time.

 Intro: A Missed Opportunity?

Why use these sentences? You wrote:

• I think the rationality behind this phenomenon depends on specific situation. In my personal opinion, there are three main factors with decisive influence on this issue.

These sentences could be used in a million essays. Where is there a reference to the topic? How are they related to the question?

The question asks about museums, galleries, education,  leisure, admission, accessibility, public awareness, funding, tickets, funding, arts, history, culture, masterpieces, heritage, conservation, tradition, awareness, appreciation, enlightenment, inspiration, art, beauty, society, culture, tourism, nationality, pride, interactivity, artifacts, learning, wonder, imagination, elitism, government policy, populism, patriotism, craftsmanship, virtuosity, handicrafts, technology   -  but none of these ideas are here in these two sentences. A missed opportunity!

Why not write a shorter essay that actually answers the topic and where every sentence is there for a reason?

You are missing a huge opportunity to impress the examiner with a short, simple sentence  or two that (1) has ideas related to the topic (2) gives your opinion, as the question asks, instead of sitting on the fence (3) helps the reader to predict what is coming and (4) has vocabulary and synonyms for the question to show the examiner that you really do understand it.  Instead, we have 26 words which are nice but will essentially not be counted in grading your essay.

Examiners will just sigh and ignore sentences like this. They will scan instead for real ideas about the topic, rather than sentences or phrases that look or sound memorized. It’s great if you’ve memorized phrases properly, but they won’t contribute significantly to your score.

You won’t be penalized for using these sentences or phrases correctly (unless you use too many of them) – they will just be quietly passed over in the search for real nuggets

Paragraph Two

Then we come to Paragraph Two, and finally we HAVE struck gold. Great ideas here, fully supported. Your essay is looking MUCH better!

Paragraph Three

There is a problem with the first sentence -  it’s a fragment and needs rewriting

• Secondly, in some non developed countries with valuable museums and collections can not obtain sufficient government’s subsidies

Here’s a possible rewrite:  (I’m going to leave out the bit about developed or developing countries – museums have similar problems worldwide).

• Secondly, in some countries, valuable museums and collections cannot obtain sufficient government subsidies.

There’s another problem here:

• Only existence, can collections be protected.

I don’t know what you mean.

You wrote:

• In these overpopulated countries fee is also used as a means to control the number of visitors every day, which is important to protect museums’ building and structures.

I think this idea needs better support. Most museums are happy to have a large number of visitors. Do they charge to exclude some people/certain groups of society/ people who would come in just because it’s raining/for political or social reasons?  

This is one of the most important ideas in your essay, but it’s not supported enough here.  It sounds only as if the floor will collapse under the sheer weight of visitors.

In addition, why overpopulated? Singapore is overpopulated and so is Bahrain, but both have beautiful museums. What does overpopulated mean?

Paragraph Four

This paragraph is stronger than Paragraph Three, but it would benefit from being clearer. Where is your opinion? You go carefully around it but don’t say it. Say it!

If people cannot afford to visit museums, they are being excluded from their country’s history, art and achievements.  Museums which charge high prices for admission are effectively saying that these things are for a rich elite only, not all the people of a country.

You wrote:

Obviously, fee revenue favors museum’s survival but negatively influence people’s opportunity to enrich knowledge and spare time.

Here’s a simpler rewrite:

Fees help museums to survive, but they also prevent people from enriching their knowledge.

Conclusion

In your conclusion, you wrote:

In conclusion, free or charge depends on specific situation in individual country.

Here my question is in which countries, and if this is a supported idea or a generalization.  I don’t think you can generalize by entire countries.  You haven’t given any examples. In the UK, some museums are free, some are not, and it is the same in New York or in Washington DC or in Rome.  Some are free on certain days, some have exhibitions that are expensive but other areas that are free.  Some have two prices, one for locals and one for foreigners.  Some museums are private, some are government-owned.  

I would simplify this sentence. I understand what you are trying to say, but the sentence is hard work at the moment. The list needs to be parallel.

• A country’s government should take responsibility to balance functions of protection, spread and educational in museums

Museums need to balance being open and affordable with their need for funding and security.

So the essay has a really good Paragraph Two and an OK Paragraph Four. I’m happy with the layout  and most of the sentences, but I feel you missed an opportunity to be specific in the introduction, and perhaps some examples of museums you have visited or would like to visit would help. Watch out for generalizations.

The essay is clear and well organized. Some good ideas, and good use of paragraphs.

I would change two things: the thesis sentence and the first sentence in the conclusion.

Thesis Sentene

The thesis sentence and the sentence before it (“Is it a positive development?  Personally, I feel that whether it is good or bad depends on the individual’s attitude. “) could be used in a million essays. Why lose this opportunity to make it specific and show the examiner that you understand the topic and to show some extra task-related vocab?

Here’s one possible rewrite:

I think consumers have to weigh up having an increased choice of food with the possible effect on local farmers.

OR

While most people enjoy having a variety of food from different countries, we also need to think about the environmental cost and the effect on farmers in our own country.

You didn’t develop the theme of the ‘individual’s attitude’ in your sentence.   Make sure you develop and support all your ideas. Even though the sentence looks like a generic sentence, you could have made it into a main point in your essay, but you missed this opportunity.

Conclusion

The first sentence in your conclusion says that air transport is good. However, the previous sentence said it has a bad effect on the environment. This sequence of sentences of doesn’t make sense! Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Coherence and Cohesion. Band 6 requires that the candidate “arranges information and ideas coherently” -  make sure that you mark changes in ideas and don't make sudden switches without explanation.  

Use ‘although’ or ‘despite this’ or something to show the change: 

In conclusion, although importing food can be harmful to the environment and affect the livelihood of local farmers, it provides…

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

• We can easy to find American Grapes,Thailandrice, mango etc. → It is easy to find products such as X, Y or Z.   OR    We can easily find American grapes, Thai rice, or mangoes from Pakistan…
   
• more choice on foods  → more choice of foods   OR   imports give people more choice
   
• a more balance diet → a more balanced diet 
   
• It also provides more job opportunities for some industries, like the agricultural, transportation and trade etc → It also provides more job opportunities for industries such as agriculture, transportation and trade. 
   
• It is easy to image that → It is easy to imagine that
   
• That result the local products are dull of sale → The result would be that local products would have lower sales.   OR   As a result, sales of local products might drop.
   
• using air transport to export or import agriculture products is good to both countries and their citizens. → is good for
   
• At the mean time → in the meantime

Articles/Plurals

A few small problems with unnecessary articles:

• That’s because the air transport is widely used → That’s because air transport is widely used
• importing the agriculture products → importing agricultural products
• vegetables are hard to grow in some desert area → vegetables are hard to grow in some desert areas
• different kind of vegetables or fruits contains different ingredient →  different kinds of vegetables or fruits contain different ingredients
• selling the imported products may have negative impact → selling imported products may have a negative impact
• air transport use massive amount of fuel → air transport uses a massive amount of fuel

Punctuation: Run-On sentence

The last part of this sentence should be separate.

• Selling imported products may have a negative impact on the local agricultural that’s why some people think it is unjustified.

See more about Read more about Fragments , Run-On Sentences, and  Comma Splices. Here’s one possible rewrite:

Selling imported products may have a negative impact on the local agriculture. Because of this, some people think it is unjustified.   OR

Some people think imports are not acceptable because of their impact on local agriculture.

Overall, a nice clear essay with good supported ideas. Just work hard on a good thesis sentence, and make sure your conclusion summarizes the body of your essay.

Nowadays, we can easy to find American Grapes,Thailandrice, mango etc. which are not grown here or out of season in the supermarket. That’s because the air transport is widely used to export or import agricultural products between countries. Is it a positive development? Personally, I feel that whether it is good or bad depends on the individual’s attitude. 

Firstly, importing the agriculture products can give people more choice on the food selection. For example, vegetables are hard to grow in some desert area, but people still can enjoy the fresh vegetable every day benefits from the air transport. Moreover, different kind of vegetables or fruits contains different ingredient. If we can buy the other country’s product, it can help us to have the choice to maintain a more balance diet. 

Furthermore, exporting goods to other countries can help the exporter country to expand its superiority of agricultural and bring more profit to the economy. It also provides more job opportunities for some industries, like the agricultural, transportation and trade etc. 

On the other hand, selling the imported products may have negative impact on the local agricultural that’s why some people think it is unjustified. It is easy to image that if the imported goods with a better quality are in the similar price as the local product, people properly would choose the imported product. That result the local products are dull of sale. Besides, it is not eco-friendly because air transport use massive amount of fuel and greatly add to global warming and pollution. 

In sum, using air transport to export or import agriculture products is good to both countries and their citizens. But it would be better if government can make some rules to protect the local industries. At the mean time, individuals should buy the local organic food and support the environment friendly brands.