Learning a foreign language offers an insight into how people from other cultures think and see the world. The teaching of foreign language should be compulsory at all primary schools. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

first, i think this topic is a "agree or disagree" model, u need to give ur standpoint in para1. then reasons follow that point in para2,3 even 4. finally, summarize ur opinion again. so para1 may be :

learning a foreign language  benefits children  not only to grasp a new languge but touch a brand new culture. so, foreign language is a compulsive syllabus in many countries. i think approriate foreign language courses contribute children's academy and enrich their horizon.

reason1: a foreign language  closely relates to a country's cultures and folks. therefore, studying a foreign language is a bridge to access a completely different morden and ancient culture of a country....

reason2 for school-age children language learning is conducive to develop their memory and understanding ability as well as broadening their views. (u can separate this idea into 2 or 3 sentenses)

reasons3  application of foreign languages is a normal thing today. so, learning a foreign language is not as difficult as previous years for us. many children has touched it in their nursery center.  foreign language curriculums in primary school do not need excessively concern as long as its design is suitable for children's cognitive capacity....

finally:

in conclusion, we should encourage our children to learn foreign language under a scientific way. any healthy child can benefit from foreign language learning. their linguistic talent maybe exploited, and children can learn knowledge from more wide scope such as diversified culture in the world and customs.

Primary school is considered the most important basic level of learning as subjects taught in this curriculuhm play a fundamental role in children’s future learning abilities. Acknowledging this issue, many countries are starting to put a foreign language subject into this curriculum, while other states still practice this subject in secondary stage of education. This essay will look at those critical reasons why should students start learning alien language at primary school. It helps juveniles learn new language more effectively in this young age and a lot of media around them in this globalizing era are in foreign language.

The basic level of learning is regarded as a significant part of human’s learning abilities. We learned how to write our native language from this stage, for example. We then developed it in secondary and tertiary levels. The basic of this skill helps us basically a lot develop in other steps. Imagine if we started to learn our own language at secondary school, it would have been the most difficult to study or expand it, and it also would have been too late as at this time we are expected to learn at secondary level.

This basic skill of new language helps our juveniles learn the world easier such as learning other cultures. So far many knowledgeable sources are in English, for instance internet, television and visiting people. These things absolutely provide the children a great opportunity to learn new things. More over, with this second language skill, the young kids can go and continue their secondary school abroad.

In conclusion, studying a new language at primary school is very necessary in this globalizing world. It helps young students have more chances to communicate and learn outsider cultures, opinions and knowledge.  

290 words

Thanks for clarifying. So here’s your intro…

This essay will look at those critical reasons why should students start learning alien language at primary school. It helps juveniles learn new language more effectively in this young age and a lot of media around them in this globalizing era are in foreign language.

…and I asked why there was another sentence after the thesis sentence. You said it’s because some teachers recommended it.  Maybe this is a way to make one thesis sentence do all the work instead of having a separate sentence after it.

This essay will explain that we should learn foreign languages in primary school because we learn better when we are young and the foreign language can help us learn other subjects.

It’s 31 words, which is too long, but it does the job. Here’s another version with 23 words.

I will show that learning a foreign language in primary school is more efficient and lets us use the language for other subjects.

And here's another version, with 24 words:

In my opinion, learning languages should start in primary school, where we can learn more easily and use the language for learning other subjects.

In my defence, I will say that it's OK to have some long sentences as long as they are balanced by a few very short ones (4-8 words) and a majority of average length ones (12-15 words). 

Thank you very much for your help.

I have problems with idea (not so clear nor accurate ) and word use. However, I'll improve it.

Anyway, could you help me again in my future topics ?

Loves,

You are right. I have main ideas yet I can't find sub ideas to support them.

Moreover my intro is so long, and even longer than body1 and body2.

You stated that :

Why is this sentence in the intro, AFTER the thesis sentence?

It helps juveniles learn new language more effectively in this young age and a lot of media around them in this globalizing era are in foreign language.

My teacher taught me that our thesis statement should contain the reasons that support our position. These reasons or main ideas show what my body paragraphs will be. I therefore put it there.

Shieiuan has caught many of the same issues I mentioned above. Some suggestions she makes are 

• removing many repetitive phrases or phrases that don't add much
• changing nouns into verbs ("this basic skill of language helps"→ "Acquiring a new language helps")
• identifying weak ideas ('going abroad for secondary school' -  I don't buy it either!)
• finding problems with lists (For example, where Youtthasack write "many knowledgeable sources are in English, for instance, internet, television and visiting people," Shieiuan is puzzled by the sentence and asks what you mean.)

So even though she doesn't use any of the headings I use, she is able to find the same weaknesses or areas that need work. Great work!

As I said in another post, I think almost anyone can see a problem. It's not necessary to know exactly what the name of the problem is, although that makes it faster. Just to note that 'there's a problem here' or 'something's not clear here' is enough!  

Most people here on this website are between Band 4 and Band 8. Any lower than Band 4 and they wouldn't be able to find the website. Any higher than Band 8 and there's not really much they can learn here.

So that means almost any member here who can write an essay should be able to find an issue or something that's not clear, even if they can't say exactly what it is.  

Thanks to both of you for contributing and helping each other -  and hundreds of other people!

You seem to have worked very hard on this essay.

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

This essay will look at those critical reasons why should students start learning alien language at primary school → foreign languages  OR  a foreign language

Shorten/Simplify/Clarify

You wrote:

Acknowledging this issue, many countries are starting to put a foreign language subject into this curriculum, while other states still practice this subject in secondary stage of education. (28 words)

A lot of nouns. Nouns make your writing heavy.  

Here’s are some possible rewrites:

Many countries are now introducing foreign languages into primary schools, but others leave it until secondary level.  (17 words)  OR  
Although some countries being teaching foreign languages at second level, many now teach them in primary schools. (17 words)

You wrote:

This basic skill of new language helps our juveniles learn the world easier such as learning other cultures.

Here’s one possible rewrite:

Having a new language helps our children learn about the world more easily. For example, …

You wrote

So far many knowledgeable sources are in English, for instance internet, television and visiting people.

Here’s one possible rewrite:

Many educational resources, movies, and web sites are in English, so knowing English is a big advantage for learning any other subject. 

Organization

Your introduction is much longer than either of your two body paragraph. Keep intros short -  about 50 -60 words is enough. Three sentences is enough: describe the situation or the problem, or outline both sides, and then have a thesis sentence at the end. (Your thesis sentence is in the middle of your intro!) 

Why is this sentence in the intro, AFTER the thesis sentence?

It helps juveniles learn new language more effectively in this young age and a lot of media around them in this globalizing era are in foreign language.

Is this a typo? Does it belong to another paragraph? 

Ideas

I think these are your main ideas

Paragraph 2: 

• We learn best when we are in primary school (the paragraph repeats a bit and is quite circular, but basically that’s all there is here.)

Paragraph 3:

• Learning a language helps us to learn about other cultures.
• Knowing English helps us to learn other things because there are many resources in English
• We can go overseas for secondary school.  (What??)

More ideas are needed! I don’t think most people are going to go abroad for secondary school. And English is not the only foreign language!

I haven’t tried this topic, but off the top of my head here  are a few reasons for having foreign language in primary school.

• Primary school-age children enjoy singing, games and other fun activities more than secondary school children do.
• Children have a natural language learning ability.
• Small children can absorb a language without worrying about grammar or writing. 
• Small children may not have a negative attitude to a foreign language. As students get older, they may have beliefs about a foreign language that interfere with their learning.
• The teaching methods used in primary are more natural and less academic than most teaching in secondary schools.
• Primary schools do not usually have tests or exams. Exams in a foreign language lead to anxiety.
• Young children are less self-conscious. They try without worrying about mistakes.
• You can learn a language when you are older but it’s very difficult to develop a good accent. This ability to learn the correct accent seems to stop as people get older, so it's better to start very early.

Try and have more ideas, and make sure your body paragraphs are longer than the introduction.

Learning a foreign language offers an insight into how people from other cultures think and see the world. The teaching of foreign language should be compulsory at all primary schools. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

Primary school is considered the most important basic level of learning as subjects taught in this curriculum play a fundamental role in children’s future learning abilities. Acknowledging this issue, many countries are starting to put a foreign language subject into this curriculum, while other states still practice this subject should be taought in secondary stage of education. This essay will look at those critical reasons why should students start learning alien language at primary school. It helps juveniles learn new language more effectively in this young age and a lot of media around them in this since we already enter a globalizing era are in foreign language.

The basic level of learning is regarded as a significant part of human’s learning abilities  in early lives of human beings. We learned how to write our native language from this stage, for example. We then developed it in secondary and tertiary levels. Then we would master it more fluently and effectively in both reading and writing. The basic of this skill helps us basically a lot develop in other steps. Imagine if we started to learn our own language at secondary school, it would have been the most difficult to study or to expand it, and it also would have been too late as at this time we are expected to learn at secondary level.

This basic skill of Accuring a  new language helps our juveniles learn the world easier such as learning other cultures. So far many knowledgeable sources are in English, for instance, internet, television and visiting people (why? are you mean people need to communicate with others from linquistic diversity different background, we need to use English as a mean media to exchnage information efficiently?). These things absolutely provide the children a great opportunity to learn new things. More over, with this second language skill, the young kids can go and continue their secondary school abroad.( I don't buy it. it's not strong enough.)

In conclusion, studying a new language at primary school is very necessary in this globalizing world. It helps young students have more chances to communicate and learn outsider cultures, opinions and knowledge.  

290 words

Primary school is considered the most important basic level of learning as subjects taught in this curriculum play a fundamental role in children’s future learning abilities. Acknowledging this issue, many countries are starting to put a foreign language subject into this curriculum, while other states still practice this subject in secondary stage of education. This essay will look at those critical reasons why should students start learning alien language at primary school. It helps juveniles learn new language more effectively in this young age and a lot of media around them in this globalizing era are in foreign language.

The basic level of learning is regarded as a significant part of human’s learning abilities. We learned how to write our native language from this stage, for example. We then developed it in secondary and tertiary levels. The basic of this skill helps us basically a lot develop in other steps. Imagine if we started to learn our own language at secondary school, it would have been the most difficult to study or expand it, and it also would have been too late as at this time we are expected to learn at secondary level.

This basic skill of new language helps our juveniles learn the world easier such as learning other cultures. So far many knowledgeable sources are in English, for instance internet, television and visiting people. These things absolutely provide the children a great opportunity to learn new things. More over, with this second language skill, the young kids can go and continue their secondary school abroad.

In conclusion, studying a new language at primary school is very necessary in this globalizing world. It helps young students have more chances to communicate and learn outsider cultures, opinions and knowledge.  

290 words