I've rework this essay again. I've marked some modified sentences in two colors. Sentences in purple--------some grammatical and rephrase modification, blue one represents further supporting ideas to complete the meanings. Enjoy reading!!

There is no doubt that education is essential to everyone. Some think that schools should offer the courses in academic purposes only, while others believe that students should be equipped with necessary skills which could be trained in school to meet job market needs. This essay will outline both two functions of a school and explain why I think a balance way to approach  this issue is essential.

It is commonly believed that higher education should provide the training mainly for the needs in the future workplace. The future candidate should demonstrate effective communication, team working and time management skills. Most employers believe that these skills could be taught in schools by group discussion, and seminars which would help student to adapt to the real world quickly when students complete their studies.

However, some people argue that people in their early twenties tend not to know what they want to do in the future. It is important, therefore, to give them time to explore and a broader curriculum. While some subjects may be required, others should be optional. By offering these opportunities, it could stimulate students to expend their interests. Thus, young people would have a better idea of their future career plan then taking actions properly to achieve their goals.

In brief, universities should provide practical skills for students to prepare themselves fully before entering the workplace. However, they should also have a variety of other interesting and thought-provoking options. In other words, it should be a more balanced way to ensure students to develop the practical and academic skills fully.

Thanks both of yours comment. It is very helpful for me to improve my writing. Thanks very much again.

However, I have two questions relate to your suggestion.

I read some textbook it mentioned about " double negatives". It says that candidate who use it in their essays shows the great ability to demonstrate their wide range of grammatical usage. But, in here Writefix suggests me to avoid it. Why is it?

Second, i tried to show that I could use a lot of vocabularies in my writing. So, here's the original sentence "Most employers believe that these skills could be trained in schools". But, you suggeted me to replace the word "trained" into " taught" . Why is that? Is that mean it would make my meaning more precisely? 

Try to avoid double negatives. You wrote:

It is not uncommon to think that...

Here’s one possible rewrite:

Many people think that   OR  
It is commonly believed that   OR  
Most people agree       OR   
Most people would agree that

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

 

• Most employers believe that these skills could be trained in schools → Most employers believe that these skills could be taught in schools
   

Thanks for this essay, and a big thanks to ChrisLuke for his comments!

I wrote my comments before reading ChrisLuke's comments, and was amazed to find that he has identified almost everything I found!

Of course it helps that there are very few problems with Shieiuan's essay. The layout is good, and the writing is generally easy to follow and sentences well-linked. Only a few puzzling things stand out. So please forgive me if I just repeat ChrisLuke most of the time!

Word Count

The one thing that ChrisLuke didn't spot is word count. Your essay is 234 words long which is a little short. Remember that minimum of 250 words, and remember that the examiners will count very carefully, especially if it looks short.  There’s no need to throw away bands after all your hard work.

Your average sentence length is 21.27. I’d really recommend:

• adding some short sentences (4-10 words)
• breaking up long sentences
• aiming for one idea per sentence
• watching out for long rambling sentences and seeing if you can rewrite more simply

Lists

You wrote:

these skills could be trained in schools by group discussion, seminars

Make sure lists have an ‘and’ or ‘or’ between the last two items.   Aim for three examples.

These skills could be trained in schools by group discussion, seminars and role plays.

Pronoun Reference

• which would help these to adapt to the real world quickly when students complete their studies. → which would help students to adapt to the real world quickly when they complete their studies.

Shorten /Simplify:

You wrote a 36-word monster:

However, some people argue that people in their early twenties are tend to unknown what they want to do in the future; therefore, they should be given more time to explore by providing more useful curriculum.

This could be broken into two sentences and shortened. Here’s one possible rewrite:

 However, people in their early twenties tend not to know what they want to do in the future. It’s important, therefore, to give them time to explore and a broader curriculum. (31 words, 2 sentences, average 15.5)

You wrote:

 In brief, universities should provide practical skills for students to fully prepare themselves before entering the workplace, meanwhile offering more useful curriculum for them to take. (26 words)

Let’s break up this long sentence:

In brief, universities should provide practical skills to prepare students before entering the workplace, while also offering a more interesting curriculum. (21 words)                OR            

In brief, universities should provide practical skills for students to prepare fully themselves before entering the workplace. However they should also a variety of other interesting and thought-provoking options. (30 words, two sentences, average 15 wps).

Shorten /Simplify:  Passives

Let’s remove a passive from this sentence. You can also often remove “there is” or “there are:”

There is not only requirement subject that students should take but also more elective ones to encourage them to be taken part in.

Here are some possible rewrites:

While some subjects may be required, others should be optional.  (10 words)   OR           
Students should be encouraged to take some optional subjects as well as core ones.  (14 words)     OR          
There should be a mix of required and optional courses .  (10 words)

Try to avoid double negatives. You wrote:

It is not uncommon to think that...

Here’s one possible rewrite:

Many people think that   OR  
It is commonly believed that   OR  
Most people agree       OR   
Most people would agree that

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

• schools should offer the courses in academic purpose only → schools should offer only academic courses   OR   schools should offer courses for academic purposes only
   
• it could stimulate students to expend to interests.→ it could stimulate students to expand their interests.
   
• Most employers believe that these skills could be trained in schools → Most employers believe that these skills could be taught in schools
   
• others believe that students should equip with necessary skills which trained in school to meet job market needs →
  others believe that students should be equipped with skills for the job market          OR  
          
  others believe that students should be equipped with skills needed for the job market
• it should be a more balance way → it should be more balanced.

Thesis

You wrote:

This essay will outline both two functions of a school with supporting statements.

This is fine, but would be better if it was even more specific, wth your opinion. Here’s one possible rewrite:

This essay will outline both functions of a school and explain why I think a balance is essential.

Thanks again both of you. Really good work!

Commmmments...lol

1. Some think that schools should offer the courses in academic purpose only

(for academic purposes...)

2. while others believe that students should equip with necessary skills which trained in school to meet job market needs.e

(i am just a bit stumped about "equip with". i reckon .....

either:  students should equip themselves with ....

or:   student should be equipped with.....

)

3. This essay will outline both two functions of a school with supporting statements.

(Would it be better if you state your own opinion in response to the question of the topic????)

4.Most employers believe that these skills could be trained in schools by group discussion and seminars,which would help these (who?)to adapt to the real world quickly when students complete their studies.

5. However, some people argue that people in their early twenties are tend to unknown what they want to do in the future;

(generally speaking, it is not "ARE TEND TO UNKNOWN".  tend to do something  and unknown is not a verb here /.

6There is not only (the)requirement subject that students should take but also more elective ones to encourage them to be taken part in. By offering these opportunities, it(what are you referring to here?  these opportunities? or what else) could stimulate students to expend to interests.

(i just dont get it ...)

7.In brief, universities should provide practical skills for students to fully prepare themselves before entering the workplace, meanwhile offering more useful curriculum for them to take. In other words, it should be a more balanced way to ensure students to develop the practical and academic skills fully.

(where is your opinion?  )

There is no doubt that education is essential to everyone. Some think that schools should offer the courses in academic purpose only, while others believe that students should equip with necessary skills which trained in school to meet job market needs. This essay will outline both two functions of a school with supporting statements.

It is not uncommon to think that higher education should provide the training mainly for future workplace needs. The future candidate should demonstrate effective communication, team working and time management skills. Most employers believe that these skills could be trained in schools by group discussion, seminars which would help these to adapt to the real world quickly when students complete their studies.

However, some people argue that people in their early twenties are tend to unknown what they want to do in the future; therefore, they should be given more time to explore by providing more useful curriculum. There is not only requirement subject that students should take but also more elective ones to encourage them to be taken part in. By offering these opportunities, it could stimulate students to expend to interests.

In brief, universities should provide practical skills for students to fully prepare themselves before entering the workplace, meanwhile offering more useful curriculum for them to take. In other words, it should be a more balance way to ensure students to develop the practical and academic skills fully.

291 words.