Thank you for your suggestions for my essay. 

This is another writing practice following the 3773 layout. I hope this will show a good logical sequence in the essay. I welcome every one to comment on my essay. Thanks!^_^

TOPIC:

Multi-cultural societies, in which there is a mixture of different ethnic groups, bring more benefits than drawbacks to a country. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Many countries are composed ?of different ethnic groups; for example, there are fifty-six ethnic groups with various cultures in China. Whether multi-culture is beneficial or detrimental(this word may not be suitable here) has not reached the consensus. In my essay, I will argue that though there exist some problems in multi-cultural societies, there are still more benefits to a country and its people.

Indeed, multi-culture in a county can cause several problems with social harmony. First of all, different cultures are always accompanied(followed) by culture clash. People in different ethnic groups usually do not agree with each other’s belief and moral values. Because of this, another detriment occurs that the whole society becomes less stable and harmonious, which can impede the development of the society. The last point is that it is more difficult for the authorities to govern the country due to different ways of life and religious faith in different ethnic groups.

Despite the disadvantages, however(however is redundant here), the society as well as the citizens can obtain/derive more benefits from multi-culture. Different ethnic groups can learn from each other because each culture has its own advantages and disadvantages. This can enrich the country’s culture. Another point is that the artists can get many new and stimulating inspirations from other ethnic groups’ culture. Multi-culture provides artists with plenty of sources for their art creation. In addition, since different ethnic groups have their own distinct forms of art, such as the distinct songs, dances and musical instruments, the citizens can entertain themselves with and appreciate the exotic forms of entertainments.Personally,i think u should add some typical example to support your view.Please make it more persuasive for outweighting the above opinion

In conclusion, multi-culture can not only bring benefits but also cause some problems in a country,(I think that there's problems with the use of not only but also here) but I believe that there are more benefits than drawbacks to a country provided that the government can cope well.(problem with collocation may be) with the cultural clash and respect each ethnic group’s culture.

Total words:297REpition! U use the word"benefit" and "problem" too many times here.Anyway your essay is good and I really like it.at my level i dont see any more problems.Thank you.Please drop by, have look at mine and feel free to add comment..:)) and we should work out to findsome words to replace"multi-culture"

Introduction

Your introduction is fine. You start with an example or a definition which shows clearly that you understand the terms in the question. Your second sentence is a bit awkward: you wrote:

Whether multi-culture is beneficial or detrimental has not reached the consensus.

Here’s one possible rewrite:

Whether multicultural societies have more problems or strengths than monocultural ones is a difficult question to answer. OR

There is no consensus on whether multicultural societies have more problems or strengths than monocultural ones.

There's no need to have a debate/contentious issue/spark/heated/controversy/discussion for every IELTS topic. You can get around this by giving examples:

Many countries in Europe for example have undergone huge changes in society with the arrival of new immigrants and settlers.   OR

Many countries struggle to define what nationality means. 

You've used 'multi-culture' throughout -  this is not correct. Use the adjective 'multicultural' or use a synonym.

Avoid generalizations like 'always'  (Paragraph Two). Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Task response and look for the word generalise. It's easy to avoid -  just use the word 'often' or 'frequently' or use a modal -  can/may/might 

• Because of this, another detriment occurs  → problem

Specify

You wrote:

• each culture has its own advantages and disadvantages

This is not the correct word choice, particularly in our politically correct world, and you also need to give an example. We are not really supposed to say that “One disadvantage of French people is X” or a “major disadvantage of Vietnamese people is Y.” 

Ideas

Your third point in Paragraph Three, about music and dance, is quite similar to your second point. Try to have a range of quite distinct ideas.

Conclusion
Your conclusion is very long, with 46 words. I recommend breaking conclusions into two or three sentences. Try to reduce your average sentence length to about 12-15 words. Add a few short sxentences

Transitions and Linking Words

I'm quite happy with your use of linking words and transitions -  they seem quite natural to me, especially in the second and third paragraphs. It's only in the introduction and the conclusion that your wording is a little awkward, as DavidLee has spotted -  well done!

I like the discussion: it's all about balance. Of course we need some linking words and transitions, but we just have to be careful not to overuse them. I think your balance is good, but perhaps in the intro and conclusion you could feel freer to write/use your own structures.  

Your punctuation is good too -  I would recommend simple full stops to most writers, but you've used the semicolon well.

I like most (not all!) of DavidLee's suggestions -  he spotted some good things. His best comment is on the conclusion: I think if you had more ideas and examples in the body, the conclusion would be more interesting.

What about:

• cultures and tourism (visitors, festivals, heritage, museums)
• cultures and different ways of thinking
• cultures and language (poetry, writing, literature, communications)
• cultures and education (cost, headaches, two languages, language policy)
• cultures and equality (politics, equal rights, clothes, separate schools)
• cultures and development (education, employment, division of resources, division of national budget)

Some more specific examples would be good. Thailand? USA? China? Malaysia? Australia? Paris? South Korea?

Your comments have pointed out two drawbacks in my essay:

one is overuse of overdue and meaningless phrases, and the other is lack of concrete content.

Actually, The book Writing Academic English in The Longman Academic Writing Series tells us that in order to achieve coherence in a paragraph, using transition signals to link ideas is one of four ways. The problem is how to avoid overusing them. I think it is inadvisable to get rid of them completely. We still need one or two of these words when organizing our ideas. The combination of the four ways (repeating key words, using consistent pronouns, using transition signals to link ideas and arranging ideas in logical order) is one way to keep a paragraph coherent but avoid overusing of the linking words. I still need more practice.

Anyway, it really helps me a lot.

Thanks again!

Many countries are composed of different ethnic groups;(I guess the punctuation here should be a full stop.) for example, there are fifty-six ethnic groups with various cultures in China. Whether multi-culture is beneficial or detrimental has not reached the consensus. In my essay, I will argue that though there exist some problems in multi-cultural societies, there are still more benefits to a country and its people.

Indeed, multi-culture in a county can cause (I'd like to change into led to) several problems with social harmony. First of all, different cultures are always accompanied by culture clash. People in different ethnic groups usually do not agree with each others belief and moral values. Because of this, another detriment occurs that the whole society becomes less stable and harmonious, which can impede the development of society. The last point is that it is more difficult for the authorities to govern the country due to (due to is incorrect use here, just change to because) different ways of life and religious faith in different ethnic groups. (Actually, why not just write different ethnic groups have different life styles and religious faith)

Despite the disadvantages (the disadvantages of what?) , however, the society as well as (I guess and is okay) the citizens can obtain more benefits from multi-culture. Different ethnic groups can learn from each other because each culture has its own advantages and disadvantages. This can enrich the country’s culture. Another point is that the artists can get many new and stimulating inspirations from other ethnic groups’ culture. Multi-culture provides artists with plenty of sources for to their art creations. In addition, since different ethnic groups have their own distinct forms of art, such as the distinct songs, dances and musical instruments. The citizens can entertain themselves with and appreciate the exotic forms of entertainments.

In conclusion, multi-culture can not only bring benefits but also cause some problems in a country, but I believe that there are more benefits than drawbacks to a country provided that the government can cope well with the cultural clash and respect each ethnic group’s culture.

The last paragraph is not good, you even don't tell me what's the advantages and disadvantages, we need the specific conntent. There are some punctuation problems in your essay. Mostly, it should be a full stop but you use comma. Especifically in the last paragraph.

The are also plenty of tired, overdue and meaningless phrases in your essay. Such as "disanvantages ad advantages", "In addtion", "firstly", "another point is that". Do you get my points? Yep, admittedly, some books in China is good, like the book of Pat. BUT it is overused. I found that so many people use the same style of words in their essays. Just imagine what the examiner would think when they evaluate your work. I had the same problems with you, and I think we should get rid of that book. The word is good inside, HOWEVER, the conjunction in his book screw our essays.

The sentences is a bit long, the average words in your sentence is 20.4. Cut it off, there is no need to write that long.

Your grammar is good, you rarely make mistakes in your essay. The content is good, I can get your point inside.

Hope you can achieve good score in your Ielts exam.

Best regards

David

TOPIC:

Multi-cultural societies, in which there is a mixture of different ethnic groups, bring more benefits than drawbacks to a country. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Many countries are composed of different ethnic groups; for example, there are fifty-six ethnic groups with various cultures in China. Whether multi-culture is beneficial or detrimental has not reached the consensus. In my essay, I will argue that though there exist some problems in multi-cultural societies, there are still more benefits to a country and its people.

Indeed, multi-culture in a county can cause several problems with social harmony. First of all, different cultures are always accompanied by culture clash. People in different ethnic groups usually do not agree with each other’s belief and moral values. Because of this, another detriment occurs that the whole society becomes less stable and harmonious, which can impede the development of society. The last point is that it is more difficult for the authorities to govern the country due to different ways of life and religious faith in different ethnic groups.

Despite the disadvantages, however, the society as well as the citizens can obtain more benefits from multi-culture. Different ethnic groups can learn from each other because each culture has its own advantages and disadvantages. This can enrich the country’s culture. Another point is that the artists can get many new and stimulating inspirations from other ethnic groups’ culture. Multi-culture provides artists with plenty of sources for their art creation. In addition, since different ethnic groups have their own distinct forms of art, such as the distinct songs, dances and musical instruments, the citizens can entertain themselves with and appreciate the exotic forms of entertainments.

In conclusion, multi-culture can not only bring benefits but also cause some problems in a country, but I believe that there are more benefits than drawbacks to a country provided that the government can cope well with the cultural clash and respect each ethnic group’s culture.

Total words:297