Hi Linh and welcome back. Thanks for another very good essay!

A couple of vocab and usage points

• We are surrounding by advertising  —- >  we are surrounded by advertising.
• adverts are grabbing publicity to products by new and outstanding features  —- >  …are grabbing publicity for products with new and outstanding features.
• In Paragraph 3, I would change the word disrespect.  

people would rather chase after material things and disrespect the importance of non-material values like their family and friends.

You hear disrespect used a lot nowadays, but here it might be better changed to “neglect” or “forget”

Overused words:

Try to minimize the use of  phrases such as

• It is high time that
• pros and cons
• both sides of a coin

We could also eliminate unnecessary words like “course of action”

It is high time that we need to take a course of action to halt undesirable effects of advertising.

 

We need to minimize the undesirable effects of advertising

Many of the words we use in daily speech don't add anything to our writing. Have a look at http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/concise.htm:

'Tell'  here means to be important, to carry information or weight, to mean something.

So for example

at the age of 65

is the same as 

at 65

and

course of action

is the same as

action

Introduction

Your introduction is clear and concise. Perhaps you could give your opinion or say what you are going to do in a thesis sentence. A thesis sentence is not always necessary, particularly if your writing is very clear, but it does help people in a hurry, like IELTS examiners.

Generalization

One thing to watch out for is generalization: Would the economy be really ‘shattered’ by some controls on certain advertisements? Do many people steal in order to get the lifestyle portrayed in ads?

Conclusion

Overall, I like your ideas and organization. Only the conclusion could do with some work.

It is reality that pros and cons like both sides of a coin, like other things, advertising has both. When these measures are adopted, it is bound to limit its unwanted influences.

It’s hard to avoid repeating yourself, but I think you could write something like this:

Advertising, therefore, both informs us and misleads us. Perhaps stricter government controls and more realistic advertising would allow us to learn about new products and services while keeping our expectations reasonable.

Hi!

The link is http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/concise.htm 

I hope it works now – let me know if it doesn't. Here's the full link without any HTML:

grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/concise.htm

linpearl89 said:

Again, I see : The link is ** you don't have permission to see this link ** 

 

What happens with my account? :((

 

In many your comments, I can't see the links you attach :((

I'm not sure. I will have to check. When I log out (so I have exactly the same rights as any other user or visitor) I have no problem in any browser. Let me see if I can duplicate the problem or if other people have it as well.

Enda