Hi Wint Thant

Thanks for this essay and welcome to Writefix!

Your essay is 306 words long, which is a little long. Aim for about 275 or 280 words.

More worryingly, your average sentence length is almost 20 words. You have a lot of setences of similar length and structure. Aim for variety!

I recommend having an average sentence length of between 12 and 15 words per sentence. Longer sentences tend to have more mistakes in punctuation, agreement and structure, as well as being more complicated for the reader.  Aim for a mix of sentences - long (12-20 words) and short (4-10 words), with different structures (simple, complex and compound) and perhaps one or two questions. 

Topic sentences can often be short:

• Advertising exists to sell products.
• We need to be skeptical of advertising.
• While ads are enjoyable, they can also be dangerous.

A few short sentences will bring down your average and provide variety.

Shorten/Simplify

You wrote a 26-word sentence:

• It is found that even though the quality of the product is practically good, it cannot make a big profit without the support of effective advertisement. (26 words)

Let’s remove as many passives as we can.  Here are some possible rewrites:

Even if the quality of a product is good, it still will not sell well without effective advertising. (18 words)  OR

Even high quality goods need advertising.  (6 words)

Avoid vague or fuzzy words

You wrote:

Variety of products is arising every minute in this economic era and they are attracting consumers in different ways. (19 words)

‘Variety’needs an article (a/an/the).  

As the variety of products increases, manufacturers compete to attract customers.  (11 words)

You wrote:

• The aggressive ways of advertising companies can really persuade people to buy their things in a big deal

Try to avoid  words like ‘way’ or ‘stuff’ or ‘and so on’ and ‘big deal’ – be specific!

Here are some possible rewrites:

Aggressive advertising can really persuade people to buy…  

OR

Aggressive advertising campaigns are very persuasive.

Specify

You wrote:

• In this essay, I am going to elaborate the supportive facts to advertisement, but there are still some other drawbacks of it.

What does ‘elaborate the supportive facts’ mean? It’ very vague and woolly. Why not specify? This is a very general sentence - almost a generic sentence, in fact.

In this essay, I am going to look at the power of advertising, and how consumers should respond to it.

Shorter, more relevant, and easier to get right.

Overall

Overall, your essay is organized clearly and there is a clear progression. Try to have some shorter sentences, and try to reduce the average length. Specify, give examples and avoid fuzziness and vague words. You are allowed  - no, asked - to give specific examples from your own experience. Don't be afraid to use 'I' - it's an opinion essay.

I hope you can help other people here with there essays. A LOT of new people have signed up and I can't help all of them! Let's help each other to get a great IELTS score -  even a few words or comments on a essay is really appreciated!

Hi Mzahed and welcome to Writefix

Thanks for your essay.

Your essay is 287 words long which is fine, but your sentences are too long at 17.9. You need to reduce this to about between 12 to 15 words. How to do this? Break up long sentences, add some short sentences (4-8 words -  really!) and don't use commas to add on more information. Long sentences are not required in IELTS -  a mix of sentence types is. In addition, don't write two words when one will do:

Shorten/Simplify

Try to avoid empty words like ‘advertising methods’ or ‘advertising techniques’ or ‘business management’s methods’  or ‘moral aspects’  Just say ‘ads’ or ‘commercials’ or ‘management’ or ‘morality’

Nouns to verbs

You wrote:

advertisement plays an important role in people life and business promotion.

Try to remove unnecessary nouns. Here’s one possible rewrite:

Advertising is important in business and people’s lives.

You wrote

I think using true advertisement techniques does not have any conflict with improving quality.

I think advertising does not conflict with quality  OR There is no conflict between advertising and quality.  

Article, Possessives, Agreement and Plurals

You need to be much more careful about articles (a/an/the) and about agreement and plurals

• advertisement plays  → advertisements play
• role in people life → role in people’s lives
• judgment about advertisement must be made individually → judgments about advertisements must be made individually
• general conclusion cannot be drawn → general conclusions cannot be drawn
• majority of companies use psychological tricks → the majority of companies use psychological tricks
• These categories of corporations usually highlight advantages, but somehow hide or undermine negative aspects → Ads from these companies usually highlight the advantages, but hide the negative aspects
• although they may make significant profit in short-term. → although they may make significant profits in the short-term.
• They remain in market → They remain in the market
• Advertisement falls in the category of this science → Advertising falls

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

• Some people do not have a good memory with advertised products → Some people do not have a good experience with advertised products
• tempt people to buy what they might really need. → tempt people to buy what they really do not need.
• some companies emphasize on quality → some companies emphasize quality

You wrote:

On the contrary, some companies emphasize on quality, though they employ advertisement methods to give consumer required information, and consequently raise their sale level.

Here’s one possible rewrite.

In contrast, some companies emphasize quality. Their ads give useful information to the consumer and consequently their sales are higher

You wrote:

companies can devout part of their benefit to improve their qualities → companies can devote part of their income to improve their ads

Overall, try to be a little less wordy. Does this sentence need so many nouns? Could I use a verb instead? Could I eliminate this word? Try to write more simply, and your writing will flow more.  Your organization is fine and your ideas are developed, but more concrete examples would bring it to life. Don't forget the IELTS question asks you for examples from your experience.