Hi David

This essay was posted on August 1, and I can’t remember whether you were able to see comments I wrote on your earlier essays. There are still many common errors which I will highlight here so if I repeat myself, hopefully it will be for the last time!

Generic, standardized, tired phrases

These need to go. They add nothing and many are not used correctly

• Whether…X.. has provoked the topic of discussion
• To contrast, some drawbacks exist as well
• Overall, there are both good reasons for and against X
• In this essay, I will discuss both pros and cons, and my own perspective of this topic.

You can see more examples of tired old phrases and generic sentences here and here. Just learn them, say thank you to your teacher, and then forget them.

Introduction

Where is the main idea of the question? We hear about the ‘developing society’ (irrelevant). We hear about ‘provoked discussion’ (standardized generic irrelevant phrase, used wrongly). But we don’t read about the year studying or traveling. What is this year mentioned in the essay? Can you define it? Instead of standard phrases like ‘pros and cons’ you could introduce your essay in various more interesting ways

• Defining key terms and describing the situation
• Comparing the past and present
• Comparing your country and other countries
• Comparing your experience and your friends’ experiences
• Giving your opinion and other people’s opinion
• Giving some advantages and some disadvantages -  outlining the problem

Finally, your thesis sentence should give your opinion and even signpost how the essay will be laid out paragraph-by-paragraph to the reader.

Paragraph Two/Three

There’s a mistake in Paragraph Two’s topic sentence (the question specifies ‘between high school and college’). But after that, your essay improves a lot here and in Paragraph Three.  Yes, there are some grammar and word choice errors, but I won’t go into them here. The organization and ideas are fine and mostly clear, and most importantly, they sound like your own words and ideas. Good!

Your sentences are a little choppy: after the topic sentence in Paragraph Two, the average number of words per sentence is only 10. This is too short. Yes, I know I usually say that most people need shorter sentences, but here you need to have a variety of structures. Add some longer sentences and some short ones: don’t have all short.

Conclusion

You wrote:

Overall, there are both good reasons for and against students travel for a year after graduate from high school. (19 words)

What are they? Your conclusion is supposed to be a summary. Specify! Summarize. Instead of wasting time saying “there are good reasons for and against” write:

Although a gap year can be refreshing and increase maturity, many students cannot afford it and it can affect their learning.  (21 words)

Punctuation

You have several comma splices in your essay. (Read more about Comma Splices.)

• They are no incredulous to others, the ability of discrimination is weak.
• One year is too long to rest, it jeopardize the capacity of learning.
• The social experience is priceless, which cannot learn from classes.

Look up comma splices on Google, or else rewrite, perhaps with conjunctions or as separate sentences, so that there is no comma.