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(1 votes) 
Children today are under great pressure. From scores rankings inside school classes to university admission to future-high-salary job, a child has to endeavor to compete for his place since a very young age. This phenomenon has aroused concern in society, though, can be a positive change to some extent.
I would like to begin by pointing out that one’s potential can release amazingly when under great pressure, as massive research has confirmed nowadays. Interestingly enough, certain extreme stress could exploit their potential talent, and spark children’s creativity and imagination. Facing increasing educational, or social and financial strain, children would develop the skills of combating problems.
Apart from this, peer pressure can transform into driving force in certain condition. For example, out of self-esteem and dignity, students would strive to catch up with their elitist classmates if falling behind. Another instance is that a person who has financial stress, tend to be more ambitious in earning money. Some of them start part-time job, expecting to be self-financial supporter. Meanwhile, financial stress induces them to be more prudent and analytical when buying.
Having said that, I do admit undue pressure can render children over-psychological burden, leading to unhappy and depression. It can cause mental illness. Therefore, adding pressure is threatening children’s healthy growth. However, when considering the increasing stiff job market, learning to grapple with increasing pressure in a early time appears to be crucial for recent children. Their later career could profit from their adolescent experience. No stress at all will simply generate unwary and negligent tendency.
Rising pressure probably has some side effect, but more, is a positive development. In my opinion, strain means motivation, motivating us to fulfill our potential and enhance ourselves. It is the factor that ensures children to be more degage in their later lives.
HI, MR Writefix:
I have a question for you.
If I need at least band 7 at writing, what are the things you think I should improve in my essays, except shorten the sentences.
In fact, I am trying to simplify my sentences in this essay if you notice that. I am curious about what something else should I have to do in order to achieve such a high score. Thanks a lot.
Regards
Yokama
4:58 pm
Hi Yokama and thanks for this essay.
Male/female words and pronouns
Some people don’t like to see only male pronouns (‘a child loves his toys’ ‘he has to work hard,’ ‘A politician aims to please his voters,’ etc.) as they think women are being ignored. One way to get around this is to use plurals: ‘children,’ ‘politicians,’ ‘parents,’ ‘their’
- a child has to endeavor to compete for his place
Children have to compete for places in college. OR
Children have to compete for their places in college.
Word Choice/Usage
- since a very young age → from a very young age
- students would strive to catch up with their elitist classmates → elite
- Some of them start part-time job, expecting to be self-financial supporter.→ Some of them start part-time jobs, hoping to become financially independent/self-supporting
- the increasing stiff job market → the increasingly stiff job market / competitive job market
- Undue pressure can render children over-psychological burden → Undue pressure can place too much of a psychological burden on children
- No stress at all will simply generate unwary and negligent tendency → Having no stress at all will simply lead to laziness and a lack of focus.
- It is the factor that ensures children to be more degage in their later lives. → engaged?
Make every sentence specific to the topic
- This phenomenon has aroused concern in society, though, can be a positive change to some extent
This phenomenon has aroused concern in society, even though it can mean positive change.
However, this sentence could be used in thousands of essays. Let’s make a new sentence that is specific to this essay:
People are worried about this increasing pressure on children, even though it can push some children to succeed.
Here's another generic sentence, which also has some errors:
- Rising pressure probably has some side effect, but more, is a positive development.
Let's make it more specific:
Increased pressure can have psychological effects on children, but it can also make them to focus and be more successful.
Thesis
Have a thesis sentence outlining what you are going to say in your essay.
In this essay, I will examine the positive effects of pressure on children, but I will also warn against putting too much pressure on young minds and bodies.
Pronoun Reference/Word Order
Who does ‘their’ refer to in this sentence? The previous sentence discussed ‘one’s’ potential. Keep a consistent subject.
Interestingly enough, certain extreme stress could exploit their potential talent, and spark children’s creativity and imagination.
Let’s change the word order to make it very clear.
Certain amounts of stress could exploit children’s potential talent, and spark their creativity and imagination.
Punctuation
- Another instance is that a person who has financial stress, tend to be more ambitious in earning money.
Don’t separate subject (‘a person’) from the verb (‘tends)
Another instance is that a person who has financial stress tends to be more ambitious in earning money.
You have some nice ideas here. You have organized your essay into 5 paragraphs (intro, two paragraphs on positive pressure, one on negative) and a conclusion.
5:18 pm
Hi Yokama!
Thanks for trying out the different approaches and trying to simplify a little. What else can you do to get a Band 7?
I suppose the keywords for Band 7 is natural, flexible and precise it's important to be natural. Try to avoid big complicated words like negligent and tendency above, unless they sound absolutely right to you.
I think the IELTS writing test is not the time to try new things. Just write as accurately as you can. It may not be very exciting, but it will get you higher marks in grammar, coherence and cohesion, and task response.
Examples and Experience
One thing you might consider is more personal experience. You are usually requested to give examples from your own experience in the question prompt, so here, a SHORT description of some children who were pushed (e.g. to play tennis or golf or music from a very early age) or of some children who were let run free might be useful, if you know any examples. Don't make them up however - they should be true!
Have a look at the descriptors for Task 2. Just to see what you are aiming at, I've made a table with Band 7 descriptors below.
Task 2: BAND 7
| Task Response | Coherence and Cohesion |
|
|
| Lexical Resource | Grammar and Accuracy |
|
|
5:30 pm
Moemoe wrote an essay on a very similar topic two weeks ago. What do you think? How does Yokama's essay compare?
Hallo Yokama,
I've already read your essay. Your writing skill is really better than me.
If you have time, could you recommend on my essay?
Hopefully,
Moe
HI, Moemoe.
Sorry, I just saw your message.
Really, you do think that? Because my essay has many errors, as MR Writefix commented for me.
I will check your essay. Thanks for your praise.
regards,
Yokama
HI, Admin
Thanks for your tips and the meticulous comments. Sorry to express my gratitude, I have been busying other things, just backed to this forum today.
I like your rewrites. It is more native style. In order to achieve the band 7, I will keep striving. But It seems quite hard. In my place, it seems that band 6 is a pretty high sore, and the average band is 5.25. It is awful!
12:51 pm
Hi Yokama
You are welcome!
You've given me something to think about. Obviously many students from the same area/ school/ country might tend to write in the same way. Teachers might also have similar patterns of teaching and prefer certain types of writing. So it might be good to look at how writers from different backgrounds approach the same topic.
I wonder how we could make it easier to read essays from different nationalities or backgrounds? This would give us new ideas about how to write.
Not many people add their country or first language in the profile when they sign up, so I don't know how I could do that - sometimes a name is all there is!
In the essay you posted - "Is it important to plan now, or should we focus on the present" - do you think there would be big differences in answers from, say, Thai writers and Spanish-speaking writers, because of cultural or linguistic differences, or different writing styles?
HI, Writefix
First I am fromChina. But my maternal grandfather is fromIndonesia(overseas Chinese), and my father's father is Japanese. Despite from different culture backgrounds, I think their thinking modes are similar. I mean that in a broader level, not in details.
Actually, in my opinion, China, Japanand Korea’s culture is quite similar. Comparatively speaking, people from these countries can easily come to an agreement in many topics. (Not including those politicians in political aspect). However, we might think great differently from people from the Southeast Asia and the Middle East.
You asked me if there are differences in answers for planning future between Thai and Spanish. To be honest, I don’t know. But I guess the western people are more likely to live at present? I have to say the most of information about western countries that I get is from American movies and programs. So it forms an impression in my mind that freedom, free lifestyle and free jobs are really really super important for them.
You said ‘Not many people add their country or first language in the profile’. I think the primary reason is that their original purpose is to have their essays revised but not to make friends here (like Skype). They just want to sign up as soon as they can. I have to admit that at first I don’t want to comment others’ essays, out of many reasons. Like I am busy, lazy, it takes time and I am afraid that I would have errors when editing. But now I think to help people is fun (after I saw your selfless, hard work), and I shouldn’t be so selfish. I think some people might have the same reasons as I did at the beginning. Other students might out of the reason of privacy.
Members here, I think, could make friends with each other. It is because we are all fighting for the same goal——to improve the level of writing. I think most people are willing to tell their nations if been asked. Or in a more convenient way, students could type ‘from XX’ (nations) under the essays they post. Of course, if they are willing to do so.
I knew your website through an IELTS book written by a Chinese teacher. And this book has many readers inChina. To tell you the truth, I can easily tell which essays posted on this forum are from Chinese students, because many phrases and vocabularies in these essays are derived from the same book. I don’t know if students in other countries are relying on writing-reference-book. But inChinathis problem is severe. Almost all the students read the same books. So some very good phrases and patterns could be overused.
i want to share my work.. feel free to comment and suggest..thanks!!!
Some people claim that meeting the demands of adults is not healthy any more for a growing child. They believe that children have the right to enjoy their childhood and to be free from anybody's expectations.
Working under pressure is really a big deal for everybody, young and old. It is like living and doing something just to please and satisfy everyone. However, no matter how complicated it may seem, we cannot deny the fact that working under pressure brings out the best in ourselves. Like for instance, a kid who is expected to excel in his academics will study harder to please his parents. He may not appreciate all his efforts at his early age but at the latter part he will realize that working hard usually have good payoffs.
Moreover, being exposed to different tensions of life at a young stage is quite beneficial also when it comes to shaping youths to become more matured persons. One’s self confidence and discipline are nurtured every time strains are solved. In addition, pressure also pushes individuals to their limits and allows them to reach unprecedented heights.
On the other side of the coin, stress also has some ill side effects. Most of the time, children find it difficult to manage stress which results to social and psychological problems. There is a chance that they become withdrawn or mentally disturbed due to inability to cope up with expectations and failures. These are not major problems though because parents and peers are always there to support and guide them.
Therefore, it is my belief that pressure and stress provide impetus for individuals to reach their optimum capability. Thus, it is more likely that these pressures are beneficial than detrimental.
3:08 pm
March 7, 2012
Offline
Hi All,
HI yokama,
I have the same situation. I hope finally we can get score what we need. I think the most difficult part of writing is we do not know which sentence is the most natural ( word choice). As Mr.Enda said we should make precise and error-free paragraph as match as we can. Thanks IELTS that brings us together.
8:32 pm
March 7, 2012
Offline
Hi b_rocko9
I would say that you are strong in writing. Your essay is well-organized and I cannot see huge errors in your essay. I guess you benefit from a variety of ideas that mix and support them well. I do myself learn from your ideas.
I think In the 1st paragraph (after introduction) it would be better you move this sentence (Working under pressure is really a big deal for everybody, young and old. It is like living and doing something just to please and satisfy everyone.)
to the paragraph that begins with ( On the other side) as you all want to give reason against pressure.
Now I have a question from Mr End. I was wondering if someone deal with his/her essay with formal language then change his/her tone to the informal/spoken language he/she would lose a point?
Best regards,
10:19 am
Hi Yokama
Sorry - for some reason I missed your fantastic post. It's very interesting and very insightful. I really appreciate the help you are giving others.
Your background is very interesting and I like the way you see some possible differences between South-East Asian ways of thinking and those of China, Japan, or Korea, for example.
In an essay like this one on the topic of living in the moment versus planning for the future, I think a Buddhist perspective would be quite different from many Western perspectives. I don't know how many Western IELTS candidates would use the words 'mindfulness' or 'reflection' for example, but these concepts might be familiar to candidates from Thailand.
You wrote something very interesting here:
To tell you the truth, I can easily tell which essays posted on this forum are from Chinese students, because many phrases and vocabularies in these essays are derived from the same book.
I haven't taught that many nationalities, but I do recognize some common patterns from some writers from particular languages. But I think it's amazing that one or two books can have such an influence in China!
Maybe I should start a Chinese language version of this website? What do you think?! Could I be a millionaire yet?
Your comments on why people don't give more info when they sign up are also very accurate. People do have a goal, and don't necessarily want to make friends - they have Facebook for that, or even real life!
Apologies again for missing it until now. There are many things I'd like to change in the forum software so that I don't miss great posts like this. I hope to see you back here on Writefix soon
10:23 am
Hi B_rock09 and Brian
Thanks for the essay B_rock09 and the comment, Brian. I will have a look at the essay this evening or tomorrow. In the meantime, I've looked at another of B_rock09's essays - have a look here.
Brian, you asked
I was wondering if someone deal with his/her essay with formal language then change his/her tone to the informal/spoken language he/she would lose a point?
No, I think it's better to stick to one tone. Your essay should be informal OR formal - don't switch.
But there's no need to be too formal. It's not a meeting of heads of government, it's an opinion essay. As long as your tone is consistent and appropriate, that's fine.
7:19 pm
May 17, 2012
Offline
hello B_rock09.
here are my comments for your writing. i hope that you feel them useful.
best wishes,
you use many complex sentences, you should use more simple sentences.
your introduction and conclusion are in contrast.
you should make the two paragraphs in the body more equal in length.
Some people claim that meeting the demands parents' requirements adults is not healthy anymore for a growing child. They believe that children have the right to enjoy their childhood and to be free from anybody's expectations. In this essay, i will ....
Many people claim that Working under pressure is really a big deal for (or working under pressure is important to the young) everybody, the young and old. (It is like living and doing something just to please and satisfy everyone. However, no matter how complicated it may seem, we cannot deny the fact that working under pressure brings out the best in ourselves. too general). Like for instance, a kid who is expected to excel in his academics will study harder than others to please his parents. ( or for instance, if a kid is expected to excel in his academics, he will work harder than others to please his parents). He Children may not appreciate value all his efforts hardship at his their early age but the will feel it worth in the future at the latter part he will realize that working hard usually have good payoffs. Moreover, being exposed to different tensions of life at a young stage is quite beneficial also when it comes to shapeing youths to become more be matured persons people. In fact, children become self confident and discriplined when they are motivated by adults. One’s self confidence and discipline are nurtured every time strains are solved. In addition, pressure also pushes individuals children to their limits and allows them to reach unprecedented development heights.
On the other side of the coin, stress having too much pressure also has some ill side negative effects on kids. Most of the time, some children find it difficult to manage stress which results leads to their social and psychological problems. There is a chance that Therefore, they become withdrawn or mentally disturbed due to inability to cope up with expectations and failures. These are not major problems though because children's parents and peers are always there willing to support and guide them.
Therefore, In conclusion, it is my belief i believe that pressure and stress provide impetus for individuals to reach their optimum capability. Thus, it is more likely that these pressures are beneficial to children than detrimental.
..........move forward and succeed.............
7:35 pm
Hi B_rock09
I've been swamped with essays recently. Here's a couple of comments on your essay on whether children are under too much pressure today.
Layout: Suspense
You have a five-paragraph layout
- Intro - many people think children are under too much pressure.
- Para 1 - pressure is good - it teaches us to work hard
- Para 2 - pressure is good - it makes us mature
- Para 3 - pressure can make children mentally disturbed, but no problem - the parents are there for them
- Conclusion - your opinion: pressure on kids is good.
Your intro would be much stronger if it gave the readers an idea of what was coming in this structure. At the moment you keep us in suspense. We have no idea of your opinion or what will be in each paragraph.
It's not even clear in Paragraph 3 until we get to the end, where you mention that despite possible psychological damage, pressure is still OK for children because the parents and family are there to support them.
I don't recommend suspense - what happens if you run out of time in an exam? Suspense is great in a horror movie, but in IELTS, let's get straight to the point. I want to know from the first paragraph who the killer is, and if the annoying teenagers are all going to get killed and how. (only joking 🙂
It's always good to use a thesis sentence in the introduction. Have a look at the great thesis sentence in this essay by Katiss on 24-hour shopping.
Intro
Another thing about the introduction is that is starts with some people, then mentions adults, and then finally mentions children. Why not have a sentence like this, with the subject of the essay in the first few words
Children today lead very busy lives. They have to succeed in sports, in music, in ballet, in football, in debating, in their academic studies, and of course to be perfectly behaved, beautifully dressed, and in relationships. Do we expect too much? In this essay I will say why children benefit from some pressure, but stress the need for caution. (58 words, 4 sentences, words per sentence 14.7 on average)
7:59 pm
Hi B_rock09 and Rose2802
Rose2802 has added a LOT of suggestions for vocab and word choice edits. I hope they are useful. I agree with many of them, but some are a personal choice, of course.
I like the change from 'he' to 'children' (using plurals is a very good way around the problem of he/she) and I like the way she spotted the absence of a thesis sentence.
I think the two of you together would be a great editing team!
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