Hi Radha, Brian!

Radha - just to make it clearer, I will post what I think is the most up-to-date version of your essay here. You have reduced it from 356 to 269 words, which is a good move!

Radha wrote:

Languages are very unique as they differ from country to country. Today's global world requires only a few common languages for effective communication which has resulted in a big blow for some rare languages. In such a situation, a serious question arises whether dying of old languages should be welcomed or opposed. In my view, preserving of old languages as well as promoting a popular language for communication should both be encouraged. In this essay, I will discuss my personal views related to the argument.

Firstly,in this era of E-world ,people have been using the internet to communicate effectively and  benefiting many folds.English language has become the main language for communication as it is spoken worldwide.Therefore, people give much importance to learn the language of communication effectively and sidestep the native language.

However, the same group of people are aware that their native language should be revered and preserved.Thus,they also learn their mother tongue and cling to the languages which depict their culture.For example, Sanskrit, which is the ancient language of India is still learnt by scholars who are also experts in English and other foreign languages.

In the final analysis, I strongly believe that there is nothing wrong in following the trend of the modern world by speaking the language which the world speaks.  However, at the same breath, I condemn the idea of allowing the old languages to breath their last just because they have become old. Hence , people should give due respect to the oldest languages as well as the popular languages and develop their skills in both aspects.

Ideas and Development

The difficulty is you have a long introduction and conclusion and not really enough ideas, and some of the ideas are not developed enough. Let's just summarize the ideas:

• people use English on the internet (why not Spanish? Chinese? French? How many Chinese people use English in their emails or to surf?)
• some people still study old languages e.g. Sanskrit (good example, but how many realistically? a couple of hundred crusty old academics, compared to the tens of millions who are illiterate or barely literate in their own languages?)

As you can see, there are not many ideas - just two!  Don't forget the IELTS question prompt - give examples from your experience. I suggest not even starting an essay unless you have at least six ideas - ten is better, so that you can throw away the less useful ones.

I would shorten the introduction and conclusion drastically. Get to the point. The world is waiting for your ideas.

Introduction

Languages are very unique as they differ from country to country.  (Fairly obvious - leave it out!) Today's global world requires only a few common languages for effective communication which has resulted in a big blow for some rare languages. In such a situation, a serious question arises whether dying of old languages should be welcomed or opposed. In my view, preserving of old languages as well as promoting a popular language for communication (repeats previous sentence!) should both be encouraged. In this essay, I will discuss my personal views related to the argument. (Boilerplate or standard text which you could use in any essay - is it a memorized phrase? In any case, it adds very little.)  85 words: average 17 per sentence

Let's see what we are left with:

Today, a handful of languages including English, Chinese, Spanish and Arabic are used for global communication in business, science, and politics. Does this threaten smaller languages such as Malayalam or Thai? In this essay, I will say why we need to preserve smaller, local languages as well as promote popular ones. (51 words, 17 per sentence)

The sentences are still too long, but at least they get to the point and avoid repetition.

Conclusion

In the final analysis, I strongly believe that there is nothing wrong in following the trend of the modern world by speaking the language which the world speaks.  However, at the same breath, I condemn the idea of allowing the old languages to breath their last just because they have become old. Hence , people should give due respect to the oldest languages as well as the popular languages and develop their skills in both aspects.

Try try try try try try to eliminate vague, woolly, fuzzy, meaningless language. Look at some examples here, here and here. You don't need to use them in writing. They are fine in speaking, where redundancy is needed and forgiven. But they have no place in writing.

Finally, I believe there is nothing wrong with the global use of languages such as English or Chinese. However people should also cherish their traditional languages.

Thanks for posting Radha! Don't be discouraged! Thanks also for taking the time to rewrite your essay! You are well able to write - just get on with it and don't faff around! 

Hi Radha

"To sum up" and "To conclude" are ok, I guess, although I prefer the old standard "In conclusion."

Don't use "In the final analysis." It's overused and meaningless and takes four words to say what "finally" says in one. 

Have a look at what the journalist and writer Mark Twain ("Huckleberry Finn," "The Adventures of Tom Sawyer") had to say about long words and phrases

An average English word is four letters and a half. By hard, honest labor I've dug all the large words out of my vocabulary and shaved it down till the average is three and a half. . . . I never write "metropolis" for seven cents, because I can get the same money for "city." I never write "policeman," because I can get the same price for "cop." . . . I never write "valetudinarian" at all, for not even hunger and wretchedness can humble me to the point where I will do a word like that for seven cents; I wouldn't do it for fifteen. 

—Mark Twain, American writer and journalist, Mark Twain Speeches

From: http://www.wordspy.com/waw/Twain-Mark.asp