Hi Ngo Duy Quang

Thanks for explaining about this essay. Now we know it’s not for IELTS we can relax and look at other issues apart from word length or layout.

In paragraph 1, I would remove the tired “matter of considerable social issue.” You can see more examples of tired old phrases and generic sentences here and here. Try to avoid using these phrases! Not every issue is “fiercely debated” or a “hot social topic.”  How often have you discussed teenage behavior with your friends?

I would also remove “it is also claimed that” and I would remove the entire sentence “Actually, parents play an important role in the growth sequence of their children” since it’s so obvious that even an IELTS examiner would know it everyone knows it.

Here’s one possible rewrite for your intro

Today we hear a lot about teenage crime or juvenile delinquency. Why is it that some young people misbehave? I believe it is because of good parenting and the way families raise their children. This essay will discuss some of the many positive effects of good parenting.

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

• According to the scientific researches → According to scientific research
   
• All of these would result in an excellent academic result → All of these would contribute to excellent academic results.  (avoid the repetition of result)
   
• nurturing method has a great influence on the children’s witness. → nurturing method has a great influence on the children’s character.
   
• good parenting creates a tremendous impact on the behavior, studying result and good health of a child. → good parenting creates a tremendous impact on the behavior, academic performance, and good health of a child.
   
• each parent should bear in minds the importance of teaching their children well
   
• the more people are educated, the more respect they may show. → the more educated people are, the more respectful they are.

Articles/Plurals

• Good behavior and polite way of communicating with others stem from how a person was taught → Good behavior and a polite way of communicating with others stem from how a person was taught
   
• children would be healthier on account of parents’ concern  → children would be healthier on account of their parents’ concern.
   
• The way parent control various nutritious elements forms the children’s habit, which can hardly be changed →The importance parents place on healthy food helps form good eating habits in their children.

Cohesion and Linking

You wrote

On the other hand, good nurturing raises the children’s confidence. All of these would result in an excellent academic result.

“On the other hand” is not correct here – you should change it to something like “in addition” or “furthermore.”

Overall, I'm happy with this essay in terms of layout and ideas. The idea are clearly supported and the layout is appropriate.

Hi Ngo Duy Quang!

No, I hadn't heard of that book, but I found it on Scribd!

Yes, the book has many good features and lots of good advice. But for example on page 54, it's simply not correct to say that one style is good and one is bad. There is no reason why you could not get a very high grade in IELTS by writing in the style she describes as 'bad.'

And there's a very real danger that if every one follows her advice and starts their essay by saying that "X is a highly controversial issue" that IELTS examiners worldwide will immediately run screaming to the nearest bridge and jump off.

It's marvellous that students understand these phrases. It's amazing that they are able to use them more or less correctly in essays. But it doesn't mean that all essays have to be written like this, or that this particular style is the only way to express yourself in written English, or that it's 'better' or 'more correct.'

I admire what you have done and the work you are putting in. But the suggestions in Virginia Evan's book are suggestions and crutches, and you can dispense with them after you have learned them. You don't need to use them forever!  Some of the phrases in the essays are great, and some are tired. Which ones? It's hard to say -  the language is constantly changing. I'd say go ahead and use them, but don't over-rely on them. And don't feel you MUST insert them into your IELTS essays. If you have a simple, correct phrase of your own that does the same job - use it!