Hi Rshdwork

Thanks for this essay!

Punctuation: Commas

Don’t separate the subject (‘many nations’) from its verb  (‘have’) with a comma. You wrote:

Many nations regardless of being from the first world countries or the second world, have an ever increasing reliance on sources of energy

You would never write “Many countries, have beautiful national parks.” Be careful with commas – if in doubt, leave them out. 

Here’s another sentence with incorrect commas:

• Adapting societies  who are used to legacy energies, to the modern energy sources is also another hindrance.

As I suggest -  leave commas out!  Keep sentences simple. Here’s one possible rewrite:

Changing patterns of use based on legacy energies to more modern energy sources is another hindrance.   OR

Another problem is changing attitudes. The way we used energy at present cannot be the same in the future.

Punctuation: Fragment

This is not a complete sentence:

• Most importantly because there are several opposition views against this movement.

You need to join it to the previous or following sentence. 

This is another fragment:

• Firstly because sooner or later we run out of legacy sources such as oil or coal and the consequences are catastrophic

The word ‘because’ introduces a dependent clause. It can’t be a complete sentence by itself in formal writing.  Read more about Fragments or Comma Splices.

Shorten and Simplify

This sentence is nice but it’s too long.

The threat of energy shortage, environmental considerations and the imperils of being dependent to certain countries, which are the major suppliers of energy, encourages us to search for new sources of energy more than ever. (35 words)

Let’s tighten it up a little:

Energy shortages, environmental concerns, and the perils of being dependent on certain countries are pushing the search for alternative energy. (20 words)

The search for alternative energy has become more urgent due to worries over energy shortages, environmental concerns, and fears of over-reliance on unstable countries for oil. (26 words)

Worries over energy shortages, the environment and over-dependence on imported fuels is making the search for alternative energy more critical. (20 words)

Verb Tense

You wrote:

• But non of this reasons shall stop the governments from promoting alternative energy sources.

Here’s one possible rewrite:

But none of these reasons should stop governments from promoting alternative energy sources.

Clarify/Verb Tense

You wrote:

As a matter of fact, these nations shall search for new energies in a restless fashion.

I’m not sure what you mean, but here’s one possible rewrite:

These countries are aggressively looking for new sources of energy   OR 

These countries are at the forefront of the search for new energy.

Shorten/Simplify

The next suggestions aren’t really about making shorter sentences, but removing the empty “it. “ You wrote:

It will be a huge global turmoil if the flow of energy stops even for a single day.

The ‘it’ (anticipatory itWe can remove the empty reference at the start. (We could use ‘There will/would be’ but it’s just the same problem):

If the flow of energy stopped even for a single day, huge global turmoil would result   OR 
Huge global turmoil would result  if energy flows were stopped even for a single day.

Have a look at a good explanation here.

Shorten/Simplify: 2

This sentence, however, really does need to be simplified:

To sum up, although there exists many forces against promotion of new energies, we should overcome the problems towards this point ,and embrace the idea.

Help! Vagueness alert! Padding! Woolly! Touchy-feely, and meaningless! What does this say? What does it mean? It sounds lovely, but it meaningless. Say something! What does ‘this point’ refer to? What does ‘the idea’ refer to? What are the problems?

It’s the conclusion -  summarize, give the key points, repeat!

The structure “although there exist (it should be singular, not plural) is just too stuffy and too formal. Dump it.

Here’s one possible rewrite with some examples from your essay

To sum up, developing new energy will be expensive and require us to change many current attitudes and practices.

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

• an annoying dependency on aliens.  → an annoying dependency on imported oil. [Aliens are people from other planets –Mars, Jupiter, or Zog.

Yes, 'alien' can mean something or someone strange, but the first meaning that the vast majority of readers will associate the word ‘alien’ with is little green men.

Coherence and Cohesion

Almost every sentence in Paragraphs Two and Three starts with an introductory word (Obviously, additionally, as a result, first, second,  most importantly,  as a matter of fact, etc.).

This gets very repetitive. Try to use these sparingly – one or two per paragraph is enough. You don’t want to be accused of ‘overuse of cohesive devices’ or ‘cohesion is mechanical’ – see the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Coherence and Cohesion. You’ve generally used them correctly – it’s just that you have too many.

 Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

• Lastly, not all legacy sources are environmentally friendly in contrast with new sources such as wind energy.  → Lastly, not all legacy sources are environmentally friendly compared to new sources such as wind energy.

Overall, Rshdwork, there is a lot of fluff in your essay.

How many ideas are there in Paragraph Two?  Could you have padded less and given more examples? Avoid fluffy statements and get to the point. Don’t aim for nice-sounding sentences -  it’s not a poetry competition. Instead, keep sentences short, avoid commas and fragments, and add more concrete facts and examples.

Do not be tempted to show your grammatical capabilities. It’s not like a military parade.

In the conclusion, restate and summarize. Avoid vagueness. Do not fall in love with your sentences – they are disposable, and they should exist to serve information and ideas, not the other way around.