Hi Katherine and welcome to Writefix

Thanks for this essay. Please feel free to comment on other people's essays. Even a few words can be really encouraging!

The question asks if sales of popular consumer goods reflect the power of advertising or the real needs of the society. In your second paragraph, you have 135 words about different goods in our houses, but your third paragraph is only 46 words long.

It's better to balance your argument. Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Task Response and look for the phrase "addresses all parts of the task although some parts may be more fully covered than others" (Band 6) or "addresses the task only partiallly" (Band 5). You've done a good job of writing the correct word length (your essay is 273 words) but try to develop all your ideas fully.

If you spend too long describing the goods people use in their homes, there is also a danger that an examiner might start to think you were going off-topic.  What you wrote in Paragraph Two is relevant, but it needs to be tied to the question more.

Shorten/Simplify

You wrote a long (26-word) sentence here:

The promoted life standards stimulate people buy such kind of goods to release their life burden, which is also a real need of the high-pace society.

I’m not sure what this long sentence means.  There are too many ideas in it.

• People want an easier life (5 words)
• Today’s fast-paced society means that people crave convenience. (8 words)
• As living standards rise, consumers want products that make their life easier. (12 words)

You have some good short sentences (“The function of advertising is to better the sales”) but your average sentence length is 18.3 words per sentence. Try to reduce this to between 12 and 15 words. The easiest way to do this is to add more short sentences.

Develop and support your ideas

You wrote:

However, it is only a catalyst instead of a magic trick that can create desires out of consumers.

I think this is a very good idea with some excellent vocabulary. But it needs far more support. Again, check the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Task Response, and look for the words “not sufficiently developed” or “inadequately developed.”  I am sure you want something higher than this!