Hi Pedram_Vaziry

Here are a couple of grammar and usage points on your essay. 

Agreement/ Possessive

• Children personality and trait is thoroughly depends on how their parents react to their behavior  → 

A child’s personality and traits depend on how their parents react to their behavior.  
OR 
Children’s personalities and traits depend on how their parents react to their behavior. 

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

• Sometimes it is need to reward children and courage them  →Sometimes it is necessary to reward children and encourage them
   
• I will explain shortly how to response to children’s behavior.→ I will explain briefly how to respond to children’s behavior.
• when children behave in the rude way, →when children behave rudely  OR when children are rude  OR when children behave badly   (Try to eliminate ‘way’ and ‘thing’ from your writing)
   
• If this step doesn’t work, parents have to take more strict reaction. →If this step doesn’t work, parents have to react more strictly.
   
• Parents could deprive their children of their interested pastimes. →Parents could deprive their children of their favorite pastimes.

You wrote:

Sometimes it is necessary to reward children and courage them, while in other positions, should choose strict stand and even punish children →

The subject of the second part of this long sentence is missing. Short sentences are easier to write, read and fix! Here’s are some rewrites:

• Sometimes it is necessary to reward children and courage them, while in other cases, parents need to make a strict stand and even punish children.    

OR

• Sometimes it is necessary to reward children and encourage them, while in other situations, it is better to be strict or even punish them.

Word order

• Even parents could give them a present. → Parents could even give them a present
   
• Parents should explain them the situation → Parents should explain the situation to them
   
• To conclude, in regard to treat children and convey them to act well, parents play a big role. →To conclude, how parents treat their children plays a big role in encouraging them to behave well.

Shorten/Simplify

• To illustrate the situation with an example → For example

You wrote:

However, it is important to reward children but we have to remember if we exceed to do these encouragement activities, it will lose its influence. (25 words, one sentence)

There are a lot of clauses and phrases and ideas here. We can’t use ‘But’ and ‘However’ in the same sentence. Here’s one possible rewrite:

It is important to reward children. However, both praise and punishment will lose their effectiveness if we overuse them.  (19 words, two sentences, average 9.5 words per sentence)  OR

Rewards for good behavior are useful, but both praise and punishment are less effective if we overuse them. (18 words, 1 sentence)

Fragment

You wrote:

Neither too many rewards nor too many punishments. 

This is a fragment, not a complete sentence. It needs to be joined to another sentence or get its own subject and verb.

Thus, parents must choose a moderate attitude toward their children, with neither too many rewards nor punishments.  
OR (as separate, complete sentences)

Thus, parents must choose a moderate attitude toward their children.  Too many rewards aor punishments will not help the child to learn good behavior.