Hello Guru

Thanks for this essay.

It’s nice and simple and generally reads well, especially the second paragraph.

Topic Sentence: I’m Confused!

However, the third paragraph is a little confusing. The problem is with your topic sentence. Let’s look at your layout:

1. Intro: A career is important, but other things are important too.
2. Para 2: A career is not enough. We are social beings, and we need good health.
3. Para 3: (I think!) We need careers to survive
4. Conclusion: We need a balance.

This layout is fine, but look at the topic sentence for Para 3:

You wrote:

However, social networking and health is also important things in somebody’s life.

Should this be in Para 2? Maybe it’s a typo, or you reorganized your essay and forgot this sentence. Anyway it’s very confusing -  I had to read and re-read.

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

In the intro you wrote

As per some people career has priority in person’s life

Don’t use as per -  it’s meaningless, and in any case it’s from antiquated business letters.

Here’s one possible rewrite:

For many people, careers are the most important priority in life.

Articles

You have a LOT of article errors.

• 'Career' needs ‘a’ or ‘the’ or to be plural –‘careers’ -  throughout the essay.
• There are some other things which are also very important in person’s life. →  in a person’s life.
• There are many reasons why career is not only essential thing → …a career is not the only essential thing…
• First of all, human being is a social animal. → First of all, human beings are social animals OR A human being is a social animal.
• Person can get all these things from their family and friends. → People can get all these things  OR   A person can get...
• A person can afford happy and healthy lifestyle for their family → a happy and healthy lifestyle…

Conclusion: Check basic errors

There are six or seven simple errors in the final sentence in your conclusion. Try to eliminate them. Don’t think they are unimportant or that you will be more careful in the exam - you won’t. You will be tired, stressed and in a hurry. Get in the habit now of checking your work and editing as you go along.

Punctuation is also important, even in handwriting. It's easy - one space AFTER the comma or full stop - nothing before.

You wrote:

 I my opinion, no doubt  to get a success in  life person need to pay more attention toward career ,but  is very important to maintain a balance  between the other needs of a happy life .

Here’s one possible rewrite:

In my opinion, to be a success in life, a person needs to pay more attention towards his or her career, but it is very important to maintain a balance….

Overall, it’s a nice clear essay with many good points, but the topic sentence in Paragraph 3 really confuses the reader. And watch out for those basic errors in agreement and articles!