Hello Lazer505

Thanks for your essay.

The first thing anyone will notice (especially a tired IELTS examiner!) is that it is an incredible 450 words long. How long did it take you to write? Remember, you only have 40 minutes to plan and write your Task 2 IELTS essay, and the Writing is usually the last exam of the day, after the Listening and Reading. Many students are tired by the time it comes to do Task 2.

Sentence Length - write more short sentences, and fewer long ones.

If you run your essay through the Word Count and Readability 2 link at the top of this page (Useful Links) you will see that as well as having 450 words, the average sentence length is 18 words. I would try to get this down to about 12 or 13. You already have some nice short sentences:

• Everyone knew each other.
• In conclusion, people in the past cared for and helped each other.

But you also have some very long ones:

• Moreover, technology play important role for communicate and meet other people because if people want to toke with other, they just send a massage or call without visit each other.
• As a result, this less of movement and depend on the machines affect of our health people may get hard attacked and Obesity these disease did not exist in the past.
• In contrast, in these days no one care about other even if they their relative or neighbors, they are busy all of the day, and they just think for themselves.
• But, nowadays, people do anything faster and easier than in the past by using the machine to help them such as in the housework or in their jobs.
• Also, in the past, the environment was clean because, the population was few and there were no factories affected on the environment.
• These factories leave behind them chemical substance that cause foe pollution of environment and kill planets and animals dying.
• Life in the past was a best time to be alive because people care and knew each other, have a good health, and have clean environment.

The average length of these is 26 words!

The problem is not with the structure. Your structure is good, and you don't have many fragments or comma splices, so well done. What you can do is try to tighten up sentences. Remove extra words. Break long sentences into shorter ones.

Tighten up your sentences

Here are some examples:

• In the past people worked in farm and walk by their legs to go from place to other.
• In the past people worked harder and walked more.

• But, nowadays, people do anything faster and easier than in the past by using the machine to help them such as in the housework or in their jobs
• But, nowadays, people use machines to help them with housework or in their jobs

• We have many factories and destroy to cover all of expenses for people in the whole world.
• Factories damage the environment globally, not just in one country.

• These factories leave behind them chemical substance that cause foe pollution of environment and kill planets and animals dying.
• Chemicals from factories pollute the environment and kill plants and animals.

• In contrast, in these days no one care about other even if they their relative or neighbors, they are busy all of the day, and they just think for themselves.
• These days, in contrast, people do not even care about their relatives or neighbors. They are busy all day, just thinking about themselves.

• Furthermore, people use the cars to commute to their jobs or from one place to other
• Furthermore, people use cars for commuting or traveling.

• As a result, this less of movement and depend on the machines affect of our health people may get  hard attacked and Obesity these disease did not exist in the past.
• This decrease in movement and dependence on machines has affected our health. Heart attacks and obesity were much less common in the past.

If you practice shortening sentences like this, your essays will have more impact and you will be able to communicate more ideas in fewer words. Remember, writing is not speaking. You need fewer words, but more effective ones.

Subject - Verb Agreement

Make sure that your subject and verbs agree

• Moreover, technology play important role ==> Moreover, technology plays an important role.

Verb Tense

The essay is about the past and present. Make sure you use the right tense - it will be a key focus for the examiner. There are many tense errors.

• Life in the past was a best time to be alive because people care and knew each other, have a good health and have clean environment.
• The past was a better time to be alive because people knew and cared for each other, had better health, and had a cleaner environment.

• these illnesses have not existed in the past. ==>These tenses did not exist in the past

• Also, if someone had party everyone will come ==> Also, if someone had a party everyone would come

Overall, if you wrote fewer words, you would have more time to avoid mistakes. Try to keep to the word limit - there is no advantage in exceeding 300 words.