Hi Rshdwork and thanks for this essay.

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

• there are a lot of evident that prove →there is a lot of evidence to prove that OR there is a lot of evidence that proves that
• their academic educations → their academic education.

Avoid these

• On the other hand → They also  [on the other hand does NOT mean ‘here’s another idea’ in English -  it means “here’s an opposite idea]
• On the flip side → [Don’t use this at all. If you like it, find a small box, bury it, and take it out after IELTS. But for now, don’t use it.] 

Cohesive Devices and Reference/Shorten/Simplify

You wrote:

However many other people argue that guaranteeing future career through university education is a myth in present days.  On the other hand, they think that young students can intuitively opt a career closer to their talent after they finish the school. The possibility of getting paid at lower ages and the resulting enthusiasms are another reasons for defending this idea.

Let’s forget about ‘people’ and ‘ideas.’ Let’s simplify right down. Let’s just write, describe the situation, and say what's happening. Keep sentences short. Don't worry about adding in 'people say' or 'in favour of the idea'

However, a guaranteed career after university is a myth today.  As a result, some young high school students prefer to work after leaving high school. Rather than continue studying, they prefer to do something they are interested in or to start earning money.

Shorten/Simplify

You wrote:

In addition, people can improve their abilities in a particular field more practically; A fortune which is not achievable in university specially in the earlier years.

This is just too complicated. Let’s use less ambitious punctuation:

In addition, people can get practical experience [in a field], something which is not possible to do in university.

Shorten/Simplify

You wrote:

As a success story, silicon valley is often mentioned.  In recent decades, it has introduced several prosperous entrepreneurs who either have no higher educations or have abandoned their university. (29 words)

Let’s remove the passive

Silicon Valley is an example.  It has produced/ many entrepreneurs without any higher education or who left university early.

OR

Silicon Valley has produced/ many entrepreneurs without any higher education or who left university early.   
OR 

Many Silicon Valley entrepreneurs have little or no university education. (10 words)