Hi ChrisLuke921221!

Introduction

Your intro is a bit workmanlike. What does ‘both’ refer to? It sounds to me as if you recycled a sentence, but here you have only one side (‘some people say the news is not relevant’), so ‘both’ is not correct. There’s another issue as well: the first sentence is correct but how does it relate to the question?  It doesn't really matter in this topic how people access the news.

Articles

• Lastly, news creates the job opportunities and helps the government reduce the unemployment rates. → Lastly, news creates job opportunities and helps governments reduce unemployment rates.

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

• Apparently, news is inextricably linked to our daily life and brings a large number of advantages to the society. → ‘Apparently’ is not correct here. I’ve racked my brain to think of an alternative, and the easiest solution is to leave the word out.:
  News is inextricably linked to our daily life and brings a large number of advantages to the society. 

It does not only help the students expand the knowledge, but also facilitate their awareness of cultural and religious diversity. →
It not only helps students to expand their knowledge but also facilitates their awarenesss…

• For instance, an increasing number of the young are suffering from cyber bullying and cause great concern to the parents and society.   → For instance, an increasing number of the young are suffering from cyber bullying and this causes great concern to parents and society.  

Ideas: Support, support, support

You wrote:

Lastly, news creates the job opportunities and helps the government reduce the unemployment rates.

How does the news create job opportunities? This may be true or not, but you haven’t supported it. Are their millions of prospective news readers in the world’s dole queues?

Punctuation: Fragment

For the readers, they grow more disconnected from exclusive reports on celebrity gossip and rumors. Because there is no common ground that we can share.

The second part is a fragment -  not a complete sentence. Read more about Fragments or Comma Splices.  It’s easy to fix – join it to the previous or following sentence, or add a subject or verb. Here’s one possible rewrite:

• We grow more disconnected from exclusive reports on celebrity gossip and rumors because we have no common ground with the celebrities. 
  OR
• It’s hard for readers to relate to celebrity gossip and rumors. What do we know about helicopters, private islands, or luxury yachts?

One sentence, one idea

You wrote:

Furthermore, news exposes too much violence and people’s privacy to the public

 Two good points. Separate them and give them a sentence and a supporting sentence each. Aim for one idea per sentence.

Tense

Without reading the news, people would never know how devastating impact that the earthquake has on Haiti. →

Without reading or seeing the news, people would never know how devastating an impact the earthquake had on Haiti.  OR   Without the news media, people would never have known about the devastating effect of the earthquake on Haiti

Cohesion

What's the exact link between these two sentences?

Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Cohesion, or how ideas link.

You wrote

Furthermore, news exposes too much violence and people’s privacy to the public. For instance, an increasing number of the young are suffering from cyber bullying.

Here you need to explain why cyberbullying is related to violence or privacy.  And in any case, how is cyberbullying related to news, exactly?

You wrote:

From this point of view, keeping our eyes off the news is necessary and understandable.

This sentence also needs support. Don’t be afraid to support. What’s obvious to the writer is not always obvious to the reader.

Conclusion:

You have focused on one side only! What about the graphic violence in the news, and what about the endless celebrity gossip? Make sure your conclusion summarizes both parts of your essay body.

I'm happier with this simpler and easier style of your writing - now it would be great if you could organize your ideas!

Keep writing and commenting ChrisLuke!

Hello b_babaee and welcome to Writefix!

Thanks for your essay, and I hope you can comment on some of the other essays here. Are you taking the IELTS test soon?

Your essay is 254 words long, which is good, but it has a very, very, very scary average of 28 words per sentence. You need to get this down to between 12-15 words.  Really.

(You can check average sentence length, word count, and many other useful statistics by using one of the two readability links at the top of this page-  this one at read-able.com, or this one at online-utility.org.)

Here’s a 57-word monster you wrote: (almost one quarter of your essay!)

Many person spent several hours daily in Facebook just for finding news about their friend or famous actor or gossiping with friends or sometimes we were searching for a buzz in internet, that take a lot time and at the end we did not earn anything useful just fulfilling our curious sense and also wasting of time.

There are 57 words here, but it basically says:

Many people waste time on Facebook (6 words)

But apart from the problem with length, the agreement errors, the punctuation problems, the word choice errors, the changing subject problems, and the word form errors, there is another big problem with your sentence -  much of it is off-topic.

The question asks about news, almost certainly meaning news like CNN  or BBC or Al Jazeera or the newspaper, but NOT what our friends had for breakfast or where they went last night.

Yes, I know that’s important news too, but you get the idea.  Here’s the question again, just as a reminder:

Some people think news has no connection to people's life, so it is a waste of time to read the news in the newspaper and watch news from TV. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

So ‘gossip among friends’ or ‘searching for a buzz’ would be regarded as off-topic by IELTS examiners.

Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Task Response, and look for the words and phrases ‘off-topic’ or ‘tangential’ or ‘addresses task only partially’ or ‘format may be inappropriate.’  You don’t want those bands.

Writing, or Speaking?

Much of your essay is written (I imagine) as you speak.

Nope! Won’t work!

I would imagine that you will get a high mark in speaking in IELTS, but you will be shocked by your writing score. There is a huge difference in the two styles. In Task 2 in Writing in the IELTS  you have to write a mix of short and long error-free sentences, using correct punctuation, with clearly expressed and developed ideas and examples logically organized and linked. On-topic, of course.

So you need to start all over again at the beginning: Read more about 3773 layouts here. Have four paragraphs and 20 sentences. Each sentence should be at most 20 words long, and the average should be about 12-15 words. Add some very short sentences to reduce the average and for impact. 

 Introduction

• One side or situation
• Other side or situation
• Thesis sentence

Body Paragraph 1: one side

• Topic sentence
• Idea 1
• Example 1
• Idea 2
• Example 2
• Idea 3
• Example 3

Body Paragraph 2: other side

• Topic sentence
• Idea 1
• Example 1
• Idea 2
• Example 2
• Idea 3
• Example 3

Conclusion

• Summary of both sides
• Your opinion, a recommendation or advice, a statement about the future

Yes, that’s six ideas in total. You have two ideas:

• Vegetables can kill you if you don't read the news 
• Facebook wastes time

And the average sentence length is 12 words, not 28!

Over to you!

I’m not going to fix all the many grammar, punctuation and vocab errors in the essay -  here are some highlighted in the monster. I am quite sure that you know these errors. Microsoft Word will also underline all errors in red (spelling) or green (grammar) -  if it's not turned on in your computer, check here: How to check your work in Microsoft Word.

Many person spent several hours daily in Facebook just for finding news about their friend or famous actor or gossiping with friends or sometimes we were searching for a buzz in internet,thattake a lot time and at the end we did not earn anything useful just fulfilling our curious sense and also wasting of time.

Looking forward to seeing your revised version. Remember, writing is not the same as speaking!

Hi b_babaee

Thanks! Keep posting and commenting and your writing will improve.  It might feel like slow progress but your essays will definitely improve.