Hi Emily

Topic Warning!!!

Where did you get this topic? The wording is definitely not correct for an IELTS topic. I’m not sure what the question means or is asking, and because of that, it’s almost impossible for you or anyone to answer.

Here are a few comments anyway, but please bear in mind that I don’t think this is a good IELTS question, or if it based on a real IELTS question, something has been lost in translation

Intro

What is a trend? A trend is something that is changing. Have you used the word correctly in the intro? Have you compared a past and a present situation, or noted a change over time? If not, ‘trend’ is not the correct word.

Avoid sentences which could be used in a million essays. They will just be ignored by examiners. You wrote this generic sentence (DavidLee spotted this problem also!):

I tend to believe that is a positive phenomenon.

Leave out “I tend” in all essays: Either you believe or you don’t. Let’s make the rest of the sentence relevant to the question by removing ‘it.’

I believe including green spaces, parks and sports complexes in commercial centers is vital for the success of any new community.

Paragraph Two

Who is worried? Which people? Most peoplle don't care how much a mall or a housing development or a new commercial cneter (whatever that is) costs.

Using the standard ‘people’ opening doesn’t work here. Just say the obvious and forget about ‘Some people say/some people think.’

You wrote:

Some people are worried about the extra expenditure that green areas and sport facilities bring. It could be a large number.

Here’s one possible rewrite. Let’s change some of the words from the question:

Providing leisure facilities and places where locals can relax obviously costs more. We also need to consider management and maintenance costs

These next two sentences are unclear: I think you mean the opposite: 

So people may deem that as a waste of money if the commercial center can exist without green areas and sport facilities. After all, it will lower the budget considerably.

Pronoun reference to ‘it’ is not clear. The second sentence should be added to the previous one. Here’s a suggestion:

To lower costs, some developers mistakenly choose to build new housing projects without recreation facilities or green spaces.

This leads nicely (Coherence and Cohesion) to the next paragraph and the word ‘However.’

However, we need to have a perception about the extra benefits that those green areas and sports facilities can generate. To start with, enough green areas can create a beautiful environment which can attract consumers and make them feel comfortable. In terms of sport facilities, they can provide consumers opportunities to relax. They can also make the commercial center more special and fascinating because in people’s eyes, it is more than a place just for shopping. They can also do other things there.

The only thing I would change in this paragraph is the word ‘fascinating’  - it’s just too much. Perhaps ‘enjoyable’ or ‘attractive’ or ‘pleasant’ or ‘inviting’ would do.

Green areas and sport facilities are also beneficial for commercial centers’ sales for they extend time that consumers spend. People are often in good mood when they see the beautiful scenery of green areas. For ladies with children and their lazy husbands, sport facilities can help to make them more patient and interested in this center. All these contribute to more profits.

Here we are back to the problem of the question not being accurate. What is a commercial center? Is it a mall? A shopping center? A new city center? A new housing area? A revitalized downtown? What kind of scenery can a mall have? I have absolutely no idea, and I cannot answer the question without knowing. Should a mall have a golf course? Should a city center have parks? Should a new housing development have gyms and gardens? Until I see the question I cannot comment on your paragraph.

The same problem affects the conclusion -  in fact the whole essay. So let’s not worry too much about this essay. You have two good paragraphs in the body) and just need a better topic with better intro and conclusion.

Just:

• Avoid standard or generic phrases
• Make every sentence relevant
• Check that every pronoun is linked clearly. Draw arrows back from every 'it' and 'they' and 'them', and if necessary, rewrite or rephrase to remove confusion.  Pronouns are useful, but can mean a lost vocabulary opportunity for you. 

Note to Other Users: Kill this Topic

I know people won't read this, but here goes anyway: Please don't choose this topic again. It's not an exact IELTS topic, it's not clear, and I won't comment if you do write on it!

Thanks to DavidLee again for his comments. Apart from a couple of grammar points the most important thing he noticed was that your thesis sentence needed to be stronger. Good advice!