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For some people, shopping is not just about buying what is necessary, but a form of entertainment. Do you think it is a negative or a positive development? Give your opinion and examples.
Nowadays, the development of economic make the distance between the rich and the poor farther. For some people, shopping is luxury, but some people go shopping as a form of entertainment. In my opinion, it is a negative development and i will analyse this problem in this essay.
Firstly, the price of many stuffs increase quickly due to economic crisis today. Many wealthy still prefer to live in lavish style. They are willing to waste money to buy unneeded stuffs, while there are so many people with difficult life. Many young people usually go shopping when the free or even when they feel boring. They think that is the best way help them feel better. Secondly, extravagance will be a threaten to the environment. By keep up fashion, wealthy encourage throw-away culture. They are willing to dispose of out-dated items. It will also create heaps of garbage which take long time to be broken down. Beside that, people willing to mining for natural resources to supply manufacturing industries. They cut forest for wood, kill animals for fur, leather to make clothing and even for ivory, horn o make jewelry. Life would be improved if extravagant amounts of money will be used in right ways. Such as: saving for future, in an emergency, investing in education or donating to the underprivileged who struggle for food and clothing day by day. For example: if you are very interested in shopping to buy new clothes or many beautiful stuffs, you can give all old clothes or stuffs which you are going to throw away to help needy people. This is a good and very meaning deed.
In conclusion, wasting money to buy more and more things whether they need them or not or even go shopping as a form of entertainment is a negative development. I think people should spend their money wisely and care more about environment or the needy, this life will be better.
Nowadays, the development of economic make the distance between the rich and the poor farther. For some people, shopping is (a) luxury, but some people go shopping as a form of entertainment(while for others, shopping is just a form of entertainment). In my opinion, it is a negative development and i will analyse this problem in this essay.
(I think this topic may have nothing to do with the gap between the rich and the poor. It may be better for you to focus on the change of shopping function. Thinking about supermarkets ,playing area for kids and eating zone that shopping malls offer, it is reasonable for people to consider shopping as an entertainment.)
Firstly, the price of many stuffs(informal word) increase quickly due to economic crisis today. Many wealthy( +people) still prefer to live in lavish style. They are willing to waste money to buy unneeded stuffs(lavish style != willing to waste money, logical problem ), while there are so many people living in poverty. Many young people usually go shopping when they are free or even when they feel boring. They think that is the best way to help them feel better.
Secondly, extravagance is a threaten to the environment. By pursuing fashion, the wealthy (“the”cannot be lost)encourage throw-away culture(logical problem). They are willing to dispose of out-dated items. It will also create heaps of garbage which take long time to be broken down. Beside that, people are willing to mining for natural resources to supply manufacturing industries. They cut forest for wood, kill animals for fur, leather to make clothing and even for ivory, horn o make jewelry. Life would be improved if extravagant amounts of money will be used in right ways. Such as: saving for future, in an emergency, investing in education or donating to the underprivileged who struggle for food and clothing day by day. For example: if you are very interested in shopping to buy new clothes or many beautiful stuffs, you can give all old clothes or stuffs which you are going to throw away to help needy people. This is a good and very meaning deed.
In conclusion, wasting money to buy more and more things whether they need them or not or even go shopping as a form of entertainment is a negative development. I think people should spend their money wisely and care more about environment or the needy, this life will be better.
You should pay attention to grammars.
Some of my suggestions may be inaccurate……….
Nowadays, the development of economic (this one is an adj, change it to economy) makes the distance between the rich and the poor farther.( expands the dispirity between the affluent and the poverty) For some people( On the one hand), shopping is a luxury( to some people). But (on the orther hand) some peoplego shopping as is a form of entertainment. In my opinion, it is a negative development (what is the negative, u should write it down. Otherwise readers need to find it again.) and i will analyse this problem in this essay.
Firstly, the price of many stuffs (things, stuff is not approprite in writing part) increase quickly (rapidly )due to the economic crisis today. Many wealthy (it's an adj, if u want to represent a group, put "the" in front ) still prefer to live in lavish life style. They are willing to waste money to buy unneeded stuffs (things), while (I dont think use while here is corect) there are so many people with difficult life. Many young people usually go shopping when they free or even when they feel boring(lonely would be better). They think that it is the best way to help them feel better. Secondly, extravagance will be a threaten to the environment. (it doesnt make sense, the wealthy buy luxury goods may jeoperdize the environment? extravagance is undoubttedly a decent word. While if u use it incorrect, it will lose ur score.)By keeping up fashion, the wealthy encourage throw-away(its a verb, we need an adj here) culture. They are willing to dispose of the out-dated items. It will also create heaps of garbage which take long time to be broken down. (You lost me here, why citizens try to break down their garbage, just throw it away)Besides that, people are willing(You use are willing to already 3 times, repeat the structure of sentence) to mining for natural resources to supply manufacturingal industries. They are cutting forests for wood, killing animals for fur, using the leather to make clothing and even for ivory (ivory made by leather???) , horn(when jewelry made from horn???) to make jewelry. Life would be improved if extravagant(you want to write excessive, right?) amounts of money will be used use in right ways. Such as: saving for future, in an and emergency, investing in education or donating to the underprivileged who struggle for food and clothing day by day. (just cut it off, there is no need to explain)For example: (you already give examples)if you are very interested in shopping to buy new clothes or many beautiful stuffs, you can give all old clothes or stuffs which you are going to throw away to help needy people. (The sentence is easily confused, just rewrite in this one, you can donate the useless things to the needy rather than waste it) This is a good and very meaningful deed (action).
In conclusion, wasting money to buy more and more(increasingly) things whether they need them or not or even go shopping as a form of entertainment is a negative development. I think people should spend their money wisely and care more about the environment or(and) the needy, thise life will be better.
I m not good at writing, so my fix maybe isnt good at all.
I m so sorry, u made loads of tiny mistakes in ur essay, like forget the, are, a etc. There are frequent grammer mistakes too. Cut ur sentence down, espectially for the useless clause. Words are good, but most are not use good. Just change it into an easy one, it is so weird to write an essay which has both tiny grammer mistake and amazing words.
I guess u need more practice and I hope my advices would be helpful.
Best regards
1:53 pm
Hi Huynhtho
Thanks for this essay.
A huge thanks to DavidLee and Xiaoyu for their comments!
Please add some comments on other essays. People love to get comments and advice. You don’t have to spend as much time as DavidLee or xiaoyu did here! Just a few words is a big help. You can read more about comments here.
Your essay is 325 words long. Try, try, try to get this down to about 275 words. Unless you are a very experienced writer, you will lose marks by having long essays. Let me say it again: for most IELTS writers: long essays = lower bands
Introduction
Your introduction needs to get to the point more quickly. The topic is shopping, not the economy or the gap between people. (Xiaoyu noticed this). Mention the topic of the essay in your first sentence.
Let’s delete the first sentence, and change the second a little.
Some people go shopping as a form of entertainment.
Now the first sentence is too similar to the question. Let’s change it:
Today, shopping is a leisure activity for many people.
Now we have given one side of the problem. We need to mention the other side. We can do this in one or two sentences. Let’s add some adjectives
For many people, shopping is a worrying, expensive and unavoidable necessity. For others, however, it is an indulgent leisure activity.
Now we need a thesis sentence which gives your opinion. You wrote
In my opinion, it is a negative development and i will analyse this problem in this essay.
Good - you are giving your opinion. However, the pronoun reference ‘it’ is not clear. In your thesis sentence, mention the topic.
In my opinion, shopping as entertainment is a negative development.
The last part of your thesis sentence is not helpful to the reader. It’s a standard, generic phrase and it doesn’t help the reader to know what is coming. You can preview or summarize the ideas that are coming in the body of the essay.
In this essay I will explain why mindless shopping is bad for individuals and society, bad for the environment, and bad for our future.
(I've used the ideas from your second paragraph in the same order, or as much as I could make out.)
Here’s the entire intro:
For many people, shopping is a worrying, expensive and unavoidable necessity. For others, however, it has become an indulgent leisure activity. In my opinion, shopping as entertainment is a negative development. This essay will explain why mindless shopping is bad for individuals and society, bad for the environment, and bad for our future.
The intro puts the keyword, ‘shopping,’ in the first sentence. It uses ‘leisure’ to show that you understand and can rephrase the word ‘entertainment.’ It uses two negative adjectives - ‘indulgent’ and ‘mindless’ - to show your disapproval. It gives your opinion. It suggests to the reader that you will discuss the gap between rich and poor people, waste, the effect on natural resources, and the effect on savings and planning.
Paragraph Two
Your topic sentence is about price rises. Why? Is this the topic? Where is the keyword - shopping? Where is the key idea - shopping as entertainment, or shopping as a leisure idea? And are price rises the topic of the paragraph? No!
The topic sentence must include the key idea or keyword. It must summarize the paragraph.
Paragraph Two is also very long. It’s 225 words of dense writing - almost a full essay by itself. You have only one word “secondly” to help the reader see where ideas change or move on. (Xiaoyu also noticed this and broke your paragraph into two and added some linking words.)
My suggestion: Break up the paragraph into three parts. Use a 35553 layout. (Read more about 35553 layouts here.) Have a topic sentence for each.
There are some good ideas here, but they need to be shorter, divided into paragraphs, and given topic sentences.
Conclusion
Your conclusion is one of the best parts of the essay. You give your opinion and a nice summary.
...and a Challenge
Now based on the feedback from DavidLee (some very good grammar and usage suggestions) or xiaoyu (some really good organization and idea suggestions) and some of the suggestions here, rewrite, simplify, shorten (maximum 275 words!) and then - then I will comment on your other essay (which is better than this one, by the way!)
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