Alice

Introduction

You wrote:

Since humanity is getting a better life than ever before, entertainment is no longer a luxury affair. Music and movie become a top choice for everybody. However, music and movie are not spontaneously created. It is man-made, and it is not free. Thus, people’s solution is download music and movie illegally; as a result, illegal things must be punished.

A simple introduction looks at both sides or situations, and says what you are going to do in your essay. It can also give your opinion.

It’s better to get straight to the point. Let’s remove the first sentence. Let’s change the second sentence so it describes the situation or problem. Let’s add a thesis sentence.  (You can read more about Thesis sentences here.)

Millions of people download music and movies on the internet without paying for them. However, these films and songs represent the hard work of many people and therefore should not be free. In this essay I will outline some of the reasons why we should pay for our downloads.

Organization of Ideas: Pronoun Reference

You wrote:

It is exploiting some young composers and singers that play music as livelihood.

When you start a new paragraph you should avoid pronouns that refer to the previous paragraph. Specify:

Illegal downloads exploit composers and singers that depend on music for their livelihood.

Articles/Plurals/Pronouns

• Downloading music and movies illegally can wipe out passion or creativity of the artist → Downloading music and movies illegally can wipe out the passion or creativity of the artist
   
• For some enthusiastic composer→ For some enthusiastic composers

Shorten/Simplify

This sentence is 38 words long. That’s too long. It has too many ideas and too many errors. Aim for one idea per sentence.

As music is leaking on the internet in some way and being downloaded freely, it will depress the producer and musician by squeezing their pocket and the last change to be a famous musician that has been deferred.

Here's one possible rewrite:

As illegal file sharing spreads on the internet, it kills the dreams of many musicians and directors. 

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

• For some enthusiastic composer, the amount of downloaded may applaud them to product more music.→ For some enthusiastic composers, a high number of downloads may encourage them to produce more music. 
     
• Nevertheless, others will think illegal downloaders are abusing their talent because of not paying money.→ However, others will think illegal downloaders are abusing their talent because of the lack of payment for their work.
     
• Likewise, the expenditure of a movie is numerous; enjoy watching without paying will consequently, devastate the producer. → Furthermore, movies cost millions to make; if people watch without paying the producers will simply go out of business.
     
• Without money, they cannot set up qualified technology and finest equipment to display terrific movies or fantastic music video. → Without money for equipment, movie makers could not create such fantastic music videos or movies.
     
• Suppose, if nobody pays for a good-singing beggar in the street, properly there is no music on the street anymore.    →
  If nobody paid buskers/street musicians, there would be no street music.

Clarify

You wrote:

As the controversy opens, people suggested that the paid for music and movie has made entertainment becomes luxury.

This is unclear. Which controversy? (It’s another reference at the start of a new paragraph. Specify!) Why past tense (‘suggested’)?   Here’s one possible rewrite:

For many people, original movies and music are unaffordable luxuries.  OR Many people cannot afford original movies or music.

You wrote:

According to these injustices and disadvantage, illegally downloading music and movies must be forbidden.

Specify! Which injustices? Be positive in your conclusion. You can look to the future. (In any case, it is forbidden already, it’s just that the law is not enforced.)

If we really love music or movies, we should pay for them, and end the practice of illegal downloads

Good sentence

I like this sentence (it’s been edited slightly):

However, paying makes music and movies more precious. It inspires the artist, and gives audiences and viewers the feeling of deserving.

Hi Alice

Look at the sample materials for IELTS from the official IELTS website. Open the Task 2 papers there, and you will see that the prompt asks:

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your knowledge or
experience.    

Write at least 250 words.

Of course we can use 'I' or 'we' or 'I think' or 'in my opinion.'  It's an opinion essay. How else would we do it? 

The example answer paper for Task 2 is about nuclear power. This is not a particularly helpful example. Most of us are not nuclear scientists and have little first hand experience of nuclear power, sp we might not have 'relevant examples' from our 'knowledge and experience.' There is less opportunity to use 'I' or 'we' with this topic.  

But if you lived in Japan and had to leave your home after the reactor explosions, or if you lived in India and just wanted reliable electricity instead of frequent brownouts, or if your brother works in a nuclear power station, or if you were a member of Greenpeace and were strongly opposed to nuclear power, or if you were a German voter who had voted to close nuclear power stations in a referendum, or if you believed that the only way to improve China's air pollution was to build more nuclear power stations instead of burning coal, then you could use 'I' and 'I believe' and 'as far as I am concerned' as much as you like.

And if the topic is about everyday topics, such as families, education, crime, work or leisure, I cannot see how we could NOT have 'relevant examples' from our own 'knowledge and experience.' 

There are too many myths around Task 2 writing. If your writing is clear, error-free, and natural and if you have answered the question with developed and supported ideas then it doesn't matter how you answer it.

It's time to get rid of antiquated phrases and antiquated ideas. We need to spend a lot less time memorizing tired old phrases and a lot more practicing clear, simple, error-free writing.

Hi b_babaee!

I think you have done a good job with this essay. Your paragraph layout is clear. Your introduction looks at both sides, and your you have some good ideas, especially in Paragraph 2. Your ideas in Paragraph 3 are not as clear or perhaps not as well supported, however: the second idea is a little weak.  But overall it’s a big improvement on your earlier essay! Well done!

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

• The copyright for music from its beginning up to now has been a controversial subject. →

  Copyright for music from its beginning up to now has been a controversial subject.          OR            
  The question/issue/topic/ of copyright for music….
   

• This may cause to depletion of cultural staff in the society and will have bad effect obviously.  → This will have a bad effect on the level of culture in the society.  (Avoid the word ‘stuff’)
   
• In fact, by using punishment for this manner you are combating with music robbery, such as any other robbery → . In fact, by punishing downloads you are treating music piracy the same as any other theft.
   
• you cannot publish the culture or music only by get money. → you cannot produce books or paintings or music purely for money.

You wrote:

 In this article we check both sides. 

This sentence could be used in a million essays. Make every sentence specific to the question. Here’s one possible rewrite:

In this article I will explain why it is important to pay for music but also why I believe some music should be free. 

• Additionally authors must not just think to amount of CDs that has been sold, but also they must think to participate more people in their fan. →
  Additionally authors should not just think about the number of CDs they sell, but also about getting more listeners and fans.

• But there must be some free music for spreading for everyone just for increasing our society general understanding. → But there must be some free music to increase our society’s understanding.

Punctuation

• Using punishment for persons who break it, is not fair → using punishment for persons who break it is not fair  (Don’t separate the subject from its verb.)

• Some people say that, when you  → Some people say that when you  (same as above)

You wrote:

All in all I think if we pay for music we understand its worth better, moreover the right of the author will be observed.

Don’t join separate ideas with commas. Use separate sentences. Here’s one possible rewrite:

All in all I think if we pay for music we understand its worth better. Moreover, the rights of the author will be observed.

Verb Tense/Agreement

• indeed you are steal it, because you used it without authors permission → You are indeed stealing it, because you are using it without the author’s permission.
• Ifa poor person copy a music → If a poor person copies music

Shorten /Simplify:

Here’s a long sentence (29 words). I understand it, but it needs some editing:

This people say that, if every music can be downloaded or copied, there will not be any interest remain for those want to create music without earning any money.

Here are some rewrites:

These people say that if all music can be downloaded or copied, there will not be any incentive to create music. (21 words)               OR            

If all music can be downloaded or copied, who will bother to create new music? (15 words)

Ideas

Is this idea strong enough? Should companies like Sony or Microsoft or music companies or book publishers produce stuff for free?

They believe that some company as a sponsor must help this people and buy music for them because they need it as the others do.