Hello JessieBear!

I hope you are still around - we didn’t hear anything from you about your other essay.  

Your essay below is dangerously short at 242 words. Make sure you reach the requirement of 250 words. The average number of words per sentence on the other hand is dangerously high, at 18.6 (You can check average sentence length, word count, and many other useful statistics by using one of the two readability links at the top of this page-  this one at read-able.com, or this one at online-utility.org.)

Because your sentences are so long, you have almost reached the word limit with only 13 sentences. A typical IELTS essay on the other hand will have 18-25 sentences. It’s going to be easier to discuss all the ideas in 20 sentences than in 13. Aim for shorter sentences and avoid sentences over 25 words long.

Introduction

You wrote:

Since most drugs are illegal, I thought that this one should be too since it harms your lungs.

Why ‘I thought’? And why past tense? The link inside the sentence is a little odd.

Here’s a simpler possible rewrite:

I believe that smoking should be illegal because of the harm it causes.

Thesis sentence

Try for a more formal thesis sentence. You wrote:

This is about why in my opinion, smoking should be made illegal.

Let’s make this more formal. Let’s remove the vague pronoun ‘this is about why’:

In this essay, I will say why smoking should be made illegal.   OR  
This essay will show that there are no advantages to smoking and countless disadvantages.   OR 
I will explain why smoking should be banned completely to produce a healthier and more balanced society.    

I kind of like the use of the word 'smoking' at the start of the first three paragraphs. It’s unusual and eye-catching. Tell me you intended it and it’s not just by accident.

Paragraph 2

The topic sentence here needs some work. You wrote:

Smoking harms your health and has lots of disadvantages.

What are these other disadvantages? They are not mentioned in this paragraph. Either make the paragraph follow the thesis sentence or change the thesis sentence. 

At the end of the paragraph, you write:

Some other problems are that people who are addicted could get a shorter life span because of the chemicals and harmful things in tobacco.

This is circular: you have gone back to the same argument as at the start of the paragraph. This should be grouped under health.

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

• Smoking practically has absolutely no advantages.

This could be rewritten:

Smoking has absolutely no advantages.   OR 
Smoking has practically no advantages.

Pronoun Reference

There is a puzzling pronoun reference to ‘them’ here:

Instead believing that those are advantages make them have more self concept or mentally healthy.

Here’s one possible rewrite – let me know if I have the wrong idea:

Instead, people who believe that those are advantages need to work on their self concept or mentall health.   OR

Many people smoke because they think they look cooler or more normal.

Ideas per sentence

JessieBear, aim for one or perhaps two ideas per sentence. Don’t ramble on as if you were speaking in casual conversation. Speaking and writing are different.  Here’s a 27-word monster you wrote:

Smoking is really unhealthy and is already strongly recommended by the government to not do but still there are people who just don't listen and do it. (27 words)

There are three ideas here

• Smoking is unhealthy
• Governments warn people against smoking
• Many people don’t listen.

You’ve already mentioned the first idea. Let’s rewrite what’s left

Although most governments warn against tobacco use, many people continue to smoke. (12 words) OR    Many people smoke despite government warnings and campaigns. (8 words)

Stay on Topic

You wrote:

Teens should smarten up before saying yes to these kinds of drugs.

The sentence is correct and colloquial, but it’s wandering off topic. Make sure you stay on the topic of smoking.

Ideas

I like the ideas in your third paragraph. You’ve come up with an interesting idea for why many young people smoke.

Shorten/Simplify

Some disadvantages are that smoking harms your lungs,sometimes causes lung cancer and leading to death if not controlled earlier into the problem. (22 words)

Here's a possible rewrite:

Some disadvantages are that smoking harms your lungs and can sometimes cause lung cancer which can be deadly if not detected early. 

You wrote a 53-word monster here:

Since smoking is damging your lungs, a major body part in your system, my opinion is that not only it should be made illegal but even be made that whoever doesn't get out of the habit would have to stay at a rehabilitation facility for 3 months to get rid of the habit. (53 words)

I recommend having an average sentence length of between 12 and 15 words per sentence. Longer sentences tend to have more mistakes in punctuation, agreement and structure, as well as being more complicated for the reader.  Here there are a LOT of ideas going on.

Let’s remove the complicated 'not only/but also'. Nobody ever seems to get it right:

Not only should smoking be made illegal [because of the harm it causes], offenders should have to undergo rehabilitation. (13 or 19 words)

Overall...

Overall, try to think more slowly and write more slowly. I may be wrong, but I imagine that you were able to write this well within the 40 minute mark. Instead of rushing, plan your essay. Avoid circular reasoning and repetition. Try to have multiple examples. Make sure you reach 250 words. Don’t write as people speak: try for a different, slightly more formal style.