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I will take my final exams on Monday and I wrote an essay as training. Could somebody do me a favour and correct and mark it please? Or at least tell me what you think about the structure and my paragraphs? The topic is in the title.
More and more people in our country think that physical education at school should be replaced by some “more important” subjects like mathematics or some languages. But in my opinion physical education should not be abolished. So sports classes should not be dropped for helping students to concentrate on more important subjects.
First of all, teenagers need to do more sports. So physical education at school is indispensable. Young people often do not do much sport at home and that makes it even more necessary that students do sports at school. Even if some teenagers wanted to do sports at home, the often do not have the time to do sports, because they have to study or they have to do other things. Another important point is that today’s youth prefers watching TV or playing computer games rather than doing sports.
Secondly, our society mostly does not get how much fun sport can be, especially the younger generations. In my opinion schools are responsible to teach teenagers that doing sport is fun and that it is as much fun as watching TV. Furthermore some teenagers complain that they do not have time for learning, social contacts and sports. However, they do not seem to know that sports together normally is more fun than just having conversations over the phone or sitting around in a restaurant and drinking some coffee together. Thirdly, sport releases endorphins which lead to a feeling of happiness and help to concentrate on learning afterwards.
Finally physical education at school is a welcome distraction from lessons in the classroom. When school is stressful and the young people do not have time to do sports at home or always have to learn and concentrate for hours, one or two hours sports in school can fulfil a small wonder. Besides helping students to forget about the stress, it helps them to concentrate and refocus on their studies again. Another very important fact is that sports encourage special skills and attributes which can be very useful in their later life. For example sport helps students to improve team spirit and to get ambitious.
To conclude, sport lessons at school should not be abandoned because of several reasons: Sport helps students to concentrate again and it is necessary for their health. It is also a welcome distraction from a school day and it improves several useful skills and attributes.
Thank you 😉
Matthi_26
5:20 pm
Hi Matti_26
I hope your exam went well. Sorry that more people didn’t reply to your essay before the big day.
Intro
Clear and simple. I like the use of quotation marks for the words ‘more important.’ This is an example of what the descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing call “fluent and flexible use of vocabulary” or “precision.” Have a look here at the descriptors if you are doing IELTS.
I generally recommend NOT starting sentences with ‘So,’ ‘And’, ‘For’, ‘Because,’ ‘Although,’ among other words. Here in your intro I would join the last two sentences.
But in my opinion physical education should not be abolished, even if the idea is to help students concentrate on other subjects.
Good sentences!
I really like these sentences
- Young people often do not do much sport at home and that makes it even more necessary that students do sports at school.
- Finally physical education at school is a welcome distraction from lessons in the classroom.
Paragraph 2
I would join these two sentences
First of all, teenagers need to do more sports. So physical education at school is indispensable.
To make something less choppy or broken up like this:
First of all, teenagers need to do more sports, so physical education at school is indispensable.
Word Choice/Usage
- Secondly, our society mostly does not get how much fun sport can be, especially the younger generations. → ‘understand’ (‘Get’ is too informal here – other words could be ‘fully understand,’ ‘realize,’ ‘appreciate,’ etc. ‘Get’ is correct but maybe better in speaking than in writing )
- Sport helps students to improve team spirit and to get ambitious. → develop their ambitions/become more ambitious
Sentence Length/Nit-picking
There is nothing wrong with your sentence
However, they do not seem to know that sports together normally is more fun than just having conversations over the phone or sitting around in a restaurant and drinking some coffee together.
However it is 32 words long, and could convey the same ideas in fewer words.
However, they do not seem to know that playing sport is more fun than just phoning or having coffee with friends.
Conclusion:
I would join these sentences more closely
To conclude, sport lessons at school should not be abandoned because of several reasons: Sport helps students to concentrate again and it is necessary for their health.
Here's a possible rewrite:
To conclude, sports in school should not be abandoned because it helps students to concentrate and it is necessary for their health.
Overall a nice easy-to read and clearly organized essay with some excellent sentences and very few errors.
I can't estimate how my exam went but i don't think too bad. It's no problem it was my fault to think that you would be able to correct in within a few days i should have posted it earlier! But still thank you i wrote my essay in the exam similar to this so I have got a good felling now 😀
Thank you again,
Matthi_26
10:42 pm
March 14, 2012
Offline
Should sports classes be dropped in school?
The main role of a school is to impart good education to students. However, should a school only teach academics or should it also encourage students to excel in other fields such as sports, debate, drama etc. My answer is schools should not only teach students the subjects recommended by the board but also train them to excel in sports activities.The following essay will argue why sports classes are necessary in schools.
First of all, only studies will surely be very tedious and boring for the students. For example, imagine students getting bored and absenting from school because it is only subjects taught regularly. On the contrary, after three hours of learning if students are trained to play football or cricket they would be not only energetic but also cheerful. After the sports classes, imaging them coming back to their classroom with interest and zeal. Indeed, they would get back interest in studies.
Second of all, sport activities would make the student interact with fellow class mates and know each other better. Surely, this might not happen in classroom where serious studies happen. Thus, students learn social skills when they play sports. They learn sharing, caring and understanding other people which is very important in this busy world. Students of the hi-tech world are generally interested in playing computer games and don't play with other friends. Therefore, if schools make sports classes compulsory,they pave way for making students healthy physically and mentally.
In conclusion, although some people think that schools are only for learning ,I firmly believe that they should also encourage students to become good sports persons.
7:57 am
Hello Radha
Thanks for this essay. Glad to have you back!
Your essay is 274 words (good!) with an average sentence length of 16.9 (hmmmm, a bit long - aim to shorten the longer sentences, and to add some very short sentences). The organization is clear - you have two body paragraphs which look at two ideas (having sports in school makes it more interesting/productive and more fun). It’s a sort of 35553 layout, except that you have two ideas rather than three. Perhaps a shorter intro and one more idea might be better. You also have two clear topic sentences. Well done.
Here are some possible short sentences for your essay.
- In my opinion, sports are a vital part of school life.
- What else can sport teach us?
- These are just some advantages of sport. (This could come at the end of a paragraph, or at the start of a conclusion)
- Sports can also improve grades.
- Sports also build social skills.
Pronoun Reference
In conclusion, although some people think that schools are only for learning ,I firmly believe that they should also encourage students to become good sports persons.
The word ‘they’ could refer to ‘some people’ in the first clause. We eventually learn that it doesn’t but it’s better to avoid unclear pronoun references.
Conclusion
In conclusion, although some people think that schools are only for learning, I firmly believe that we should also encourage students to play sports.
In conclusion, although some people think that schools should focus on academic subjects, adding sports to the curriculum can improve grades and social interaction. I believe every school should offer students a chance to develop their potential in many different ways/ I firmly believe that we should encourage students to play sports.
Word Choice/Usage
- First of all, only studies will surely be very tedious and boring for the students. → having only studies willl…OR a school with only academic subjects will...
- They pave way for making students healthy physically and mentally → they pave the way for making students healthy physically and mentally.
- Indeed, they would get back interest in studies. → Indeed, they would regain interest in their studies.
- Surely - once is enough!
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