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(0 votes) 2:52 am
January 11, 2012
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Hello everyone, Im Dino from Philippines, a newbie here in writefix. It is a very interesting site and lots for information that will help me to improve my writing skill for my IELTS exam, in which writing is one of my weakest link and also speaking. I post my essay as much as possible and hope some members will help me and correct my mistakes.Thank you in advance.
Should sports classes be dropped in secondary school so students can concentrate on academic subjects?
Its seems an issue rise about physical education should be dropped, so that students can concentrate with their subjects. Some students and parents are in favor with it and let their children focus their academic subjects. I will stressed out some positive and negative points of having a sports classes.
First of all, sports classes has a positive effect on students. When a student engaged in sports activities, he/she can learn competitiveness, which it can be apply in his/her academics and much later on with his/her work. In addition on that, in sports activities students learn cooperation and team building, which a vital attitude at work place. More over, leadership will be enhance when a student assigned as a team captain, who will lead his/her team mate into a victorious path.
In contrast, academic subjects plays a major role in their course.Mostly, students focus on academic subjects compared to sports classes. Futhermore, sports classes involve physical workout which drain the student's energy, with less energy students lost focus or concentration to their academic subjects therefore might lead to a failure grades.
In conculsion, we all knew that academic subjects mold student's into his/her career.However leadership, cooperation and competitiveness has a vital role in one's profession. Those attitudes are mostly enhance in engaging sports activities. So I think sports classes should be remain. To compensate the time between academic subjects and sports classes, sports classes should be schedule on a day near weekends.Also sports classes should not be scheduled between academic subjects to avoid using to much energy in sports activities and have more energy on academic subjects. More over, parents should encourage their children to engaged sports activities to become physical fit and enhance the characteristics of being a leader, cooperative and competative.
12:27 pm
November 21, 2011
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hai dear friend i am jinu from india. i read your essay .some corrections are here.i am also not well in writing .please try to correct my essays also.
- sports classes has have a positive effect on students
- try to avoid his/her instead you can use students' or their
- In addition on to that
- which is a vital attitude at work place
- academic subjects plays play
- which it can be apply in
- avoid personal pronouns
2:54 pm
November 19, 2011
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Hi guys, nice to see you.
Because Mr. Enda and other members in the 4rum have helped me so much, I want help others in my turn although I'm not good at English ^_^. Would you mind if I tend to give you some comments? ;). I will not mention again the mistakes Thomas told you.
- about lay-out : your conclusion is too long in compare with other paragraph. To avoid: If you want to give your opinion, I suppose you should write it in a paragraph apart from conclusion.
- In the case you partly agree with the statement like that, you should organize the body: Paragraph 1: give your opinion to explain why you think the statement true partly. Paragraph 2 ( and maybe 3 as well): why do you disagree with the statement. Anyway, I suppose we should discuss 2 sides of given statement, which will help us to dig deeper into the problem.
- instead of using "a person" and then using pronoun "he/she", you should change to "people" and "them"
- When a student engaged in sports ---> why did you use "engage" in past tense form? It should be corrected "engage" instead.
- you can say "in addition to this/that" in spoken English, but in writing just " in addition" is enough.
- again, "assigned" --> "assign"
- after reading the whole paragraph 2, I want to change your topic sentence to " students are bound to gain crucial life skills when taking part in sport classes"
- try to use other words instead of "enhance". we have a lot of words to replace it, namely "boost, facilitate, breed, cultivate..." ( You should use your dictionary to know how to use these words)
- "Those attitudes are mostly enhance in engaging sports activities. So I think sports classes should be remain." --> Those attitudes are mostly enhance in engaging sports activities, so I think sports classes should be remain. Remember: "so" begins a dependent clause, not a sentence!!!
- More over ---> moreover
Anyway, anyone can make the same mistakes, we can avoid them by practicing regularly. Keep moving forward, guys! Hope to see your other essays!
3:27 pm
January 11, 2012
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Thank you so much jjinumonthomas and linpearl89 for the correction.I will take note your advise.
7:51 am
Hi Dino
Some very good recommendations from Jinu and Linh - thanks! Overall, I'm happy with your essay.
The conclusion is a little too long and has some new ideas. Perhaps you could move some of the ideas from the conclusion into Paragraph 2. Generally, it's not a good idea to have new ideas in the conclusion.
Subject and Verb Agreement
As Linh and Jinu pointed out, check subject-verb agreement, e.g.
- academic subjects plays a major role ==> play
- leadership, cooperation and competitiveness has ==> have
Tense
Make sure to keep one tense - you change from present to past a lot. In this essay, you could use present tense all the way through. Check again and remove all past tenses.
Passive: After the verb "to be", we use the past participle (usually "ed"). It looks like past tense, but it isn't!
- Those attitudes are enhance ==> Those attitudes are enhanced.
- Leadership will be enhance ==> Leadership will be enhanced.
- When a student engaged in sports activities ==> When a student is engaged in sports activities...
- Sports classes should be schedule on a day ==> Sports classes should be scheduled on a day when...
I wouldn't worry about using personal pronouns. It's an opinion essay and you should give YOUR opinion. Don't be afraid to say "I think", "I believe", etc.
Word Choice
In the introduction, I would change "stressed"
- I will examine some positive and negative points of having sports classes.
- I will look at some positive and negative points of having sports classes.
Other words you can use in a thesis sentence: discuss, outline, analyze, focus on, ask if...
Good ideas and good work. Please send more essays and help some other people!
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