Hi Anufrancis

A few comments on your essay.

Anufrancis, I suggest simplifying, clarifying, and supporting your ideas.

Avoid words from magazines. Avoid clichés like 'hook and crook', 'latest fashion,' 'latest technologies', etc.

Support all your ideas. Don’t generalize.  Have specific examples. What is the main idea of your essay? It's that modernization has made humans more selfish. Is this the topic? No!

Above all, make sure your essay is on topic. This essay would get several bands below what you are aiming at because it’s off-topic.

Introduction: Urbanization

Your introduction does not define urbanization, or show the examiner that you fully understand the concept. Urbanization means the growth of cities, the move from the land to the city, the phenomenon in which people are leaving the countryside, self-reliance, farming or even subsistence, and instead adopting a urban or city lifestyle.  Because of this the essay is off-topic. Have a look the official IELTS descriptors for Task 2 Writing here, under ‘Task Response’

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

Hours they are working in their field, due to which they have no time for family and friends’.

This needs to be reworded and reorganized

Because of their long working hours, people have no time for family or friends.

• Now, an individual has no time for to enjoy life →Now, people have no time to enjoy life

This sentence needs to be simplified and made much clearer. At 31 words, it’s too long.

As his life has become so much sophisticated and tough, due to high competitive level people are crowing to work harder at any cost for which they, are paid lumpsome .

It has four or five ideas. I don’t know where to start: there is repetition: one of the ideas may have already been mentioned (is ‘lumpsome’ the same as ‘ransome’? I have no idea what those words mean.)

Fragments

This is a fragment, not a sentence:

Due to which people are becoming bank rupt.

Here’s one possible rewrite, along with a clearer reference:

Because of this greed for material wealth, people are becoming bankrupt.

You wrote:

. Thus , because they are paid of ransome amount, for which they not even question, whether the work is right or wrong.

Here’s are some possible rewrites:

1. People take their salaries without asking if their work is right or wrong.
2. People work without questioning what they do.
3. People are paid not to ask questions.

Exaggeration and unsupported ideas

You wrote:

Firstly to begin with, to become popular in this world, one wants to be modernized, with all the latest technologies and invention in hand. The individuals, by any hook or crook, want to be famous. This may even lead to murder as well as theft and robbery. This, inturn is changing the man kind to become like animals

There are too many unsupported ideas here. How many people commit murder in order to get an iPad or 40-inch TV? How are people becoming like animals? Where is the development of this idea? What boundary between animal and human is being crossed? What does 'by hook or crook' mean?

Pronoun Reference:

Which individuals are we talking about here?

The individuals, by any hook or crook, want to be famous.

Are we discussing people who have moved from the country to the city? Do most people who move from the country to the city want to be famous? Or are we talking about media celebrities? We are definitely off-topic now.  

Unsupported Ideas

Secondly, the human beings have changed into roberts. The individual are simply obeying the orders of the higher authorities. Thus , because they are paid of ransome amount, for which they not even question, whether the work is right or wrong.

‘Roberts’ is (I hope) a typo for ‘robots,’ but more important is the idea in this paragraph. Who are these ‘higher authorities’? There is no development, no support. You need to specify and name, not hedge and avoid. Have a look the official IELTS descriptors for Task 2 Writing here, under ‘Task Response’ again, about unsupported ideas.

Please go easy on submitting essays -  it's better to submit one, consider the feedback, submit another one, consider the feedback, and so on. Writing more and more essays at the same level will NOT improve your writing -  it will just fossilize the mistakes.

Perhaps you could have a look at some of the other essays you have submitted and go through them word by word and idea by idea based on the feedback here, makiing sure each paragraph has a 'clear central topic' and fully supported ideas. It's not television or spoken rhetoric: IELTS expects examples and developed ideas, not fluffy, cliched statements.

Hello Binu

Thanks for the clarification, and hopefully the sister team will be unbeatable!

You wrote:

I had read an academic sample from the British council site which demonstrated more of ideas.So it was I who told her not to expand her ideas. Should she elaborate a single idea?

I think it’s better to have SIX ideas - three on one side (in favor/supporting/benefits /advantages) and three on the other (against/opposing/disadvantages/negative consequences), and to use them in a 3773 layout.

It sounds like a lot of ideas, but all you need is a sentence and an example for each idea. Don’t start writing until you have these six ideas.

Make sure the ideas are logical and not repeated. Avoid generalizations or unsupported ideas. Use examples from your own knowledge and experience.

The easiest layout is a 3773 layout. There are two types of this layout:

• the intro (3), a paragraph in favor (7), a paragraph against (7), and the conclusion (3). OR
• the intro (3), a paragraph against (7), a paragraph for (7), and the conclusion (3).

The number refer to the approximate number of sentences in each paragraph – 3773, or a total of 20 sentences.

For more advanced writers or if you feel very strongly about an idea, I recommend 35553 layout. Again, there are two types of this layout:

• the intro (3), a paragraph in favor (5), a second paragraph in favor (5), a third paragraph in favor (5) and the conclusion (3). OR
• the intro (3), a paragraph against (5), a second paragraph against (5), a third paragraph against (5) and the conclusion.

This format needs fully-developed ideas. Many lower-intermediate writers find it more difficult to use this layout - their ideas are unsupported or repetitive or they put too many ideas in one sentence.

You can find more about 3773 and 3553 layouts here

Thesis and Topic sentences

In both the 3773 and 35553 layouts, you need a clear Thesis sentence in the introduction, and you need a clear Topic sentence in the body paragraphs. These help the reader to know what is in the essay and they help you, the writer, by keeping you on topic. Find out more about Thesis sentences and body paragraphs here.

Short sentences

Sentences should be short on average. You can have some long sentences, but you should also have three or four short sentences (5-10 words). But don’t write very long sentences - try to have a maximum of 20-25 words. When most IELTS candidates attempt long sentences, they get mixed up in agreement, in punctuation, in tense and in organization of ideas. Have a look at the official IELTS descriptors for Task 2 Writing here. The higher bands look for a range of structures - in other words, simple sentences , compound sentences, complex sentences, questions, interjections, and other types. So, have a mix.  But aim for an average of 12-15 words per sentence.

Check on the websites under "Useful Links" at the top of each forum page before posting, to spot problems. 

Things to Avoid

• Avoid passives, quotes and jargon. Write as simply as you can.
• Avoid tired old phrases and standardized sentences. Every sentence must be directly relevant to the topic and must have some reference to it. Avoid clichés and buzz words the languages of magazines and television reporting.
• It’s not a vocab test - your vocab comprehension is tested in the Reading - so don’t try to impress with complicated vocabulary.
• It’s not a scientific paper - your ability to report objectively is tested in Part 1 of the Writing test. Don’t use passives or hide behind other’s opinions. Give your own opinion. Use ‘I,’ - ‘I think,’ ‘As far as I am concerned,’ ‘For me, studying overseas is not an option,’ etc.

There is a ton of advice on this site - spend time going through it (it will take a lot of time) before submitting other essays. Submit one essay, wait for feedback (maybe you can help someone else by commenting on their essay) and then change your writing style according to the advice. Or not, as you wish, but there’s not really much point in submitting many essays with the same problem and failing to fix it.

Good Luck!

I wish your sister good luck on June 30^th . At least there is plenty of time left – many people come to the website with just a week or less, so they don’t have much time to practice or write. It's nice too that you are supporting her in her efforts to get a good score!