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The percentage of old people against younger people has grown considerably in recent years for some countries like Japan. This ageing population has a negative and positive effect in one's country. This essay will cite and discuss some of this effects.
It is undoubtedly true that the society can benefit a lot from the wisdom of the elderly for they have experienced a lot in life. Certain actions can be avoided or improved based on them. Senior citizens therefore with their vast knowledge, extensive experience are a veritable source of information to guide the young people.
On the other hand, this greying population can also be detrimental to the society as a whole with its effect on healthcare, labor market, economic productivity and taxation. As there would be more senior citizens, the healthcare cost would rise up as medicines , nursing care would be needed to care of the elderly in their prime years. As a result of this and to cover the additional expenditures incurred by government, taxes would be raised up to meet the needed budget and to pay off the pension costs. As the old people will depend on the young people for economic productivity, an increase on the labor market to do the job is correspondingly needed. A small population of younger generation would mean that they would have to shoulder a bigger chunk of the cost to make the economy running.
As this shows, the ageing populations has a good and negative effect. It is of utmost importance that an equilibrium should be meet at a point where there would be sufficient number of young people to replace the elderly and to keep the society economical, productive; in a symbiotic relationship where each would benefit from each other.
Hello HappyFeet. I think that your body paragraph one needs more information. The certain actions that you mentioned do not provide enough for the readers. I suggest that you should give example, such as some actions involved in crime or dangerous activities that some young people like to do, for example racing cars or motorbikes on the streets.
Regards,
Tnduong
6:07 pm
Hi HappyFeet and thanks for this essay.
Just from looking at it the reader can see that Tnduong is right - your first body paragraph is too short. You have a lot of examples in the second para in the body, but only one idea in the first body paragraph. Basically, you have only one idea - older people are wise/have a lot of experience.
Tnduong suggests adding some things that older people don't do - e.g. commit crimes, race through the streets, IELTS exams, etc....good suggestions!
Good Topic Sentence
I really like this topic sentence from Paragraph 3 (the second body para):
On the other hand, this greying population can also be detrimental to the society as a whole with its effect on healthcare, labor market, economic productivity and taxation.
The sentence is error-free and a perfect summary of the paragraph that follows. Well done!
Word Choice/Usage
- Equilibrium should be meet at a point → equilibrium should be met/maintained/kept at a point /found
Conclusion
The last sentence ( a 45-word monster) has got some very ambitious punctuation. How long did you spend writing it?
It is of utmost importance that an equilibrium should be meet at a point where there would be sufficient number of young people to replace the elderly and to keep the society economical, productive; in a symbiotic relationship where each would benefit from each other.
Here's a simpler rewrite in two sentences, with fewer words (30 total, 15 average sentence length), and with simpler punctuation:
Ideally we would have enough young people to replace the elderly and to keep the society productive, vibrant and well-funded. In this symbiotic relationship, each would benefit from the other.
In summary, there's some very good writing, but make sure you look at both sides. Have a look at the descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing under Task Response: I am sure you are aiming a something higher than Band 6:
"addresses all parts of the task although some parts may be more fully covered than others"
6:14 pm
Thanks Tnduong!
Good simple advice for HappyFeet. It's important to balance your arguments. Don't start writing until you have about three ideas for each side. It's very difficult to think of them sometimes.
Well done.
8:08 pm
March 2, 2012
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It is expected that there will be a higher proportion of older people than young people in many countries in the future. Do you think it is a positive or negative development?
The population of the elderly is soaring. Scientists predicted that there would be fewer youth than olds in near future. I think this phenomenon of population aging would negatively impact our society.
Firstly, a larger population of older people adds pressure to economics. One of the main reasons is that, with more elderly, the cost in nursing care increases. In many countries, governments pay the nursing staff for their older citizens. Sometime this amount of money could be very large, which might cause financial deficit. In addition, young people would face more joblessness. Some elderly people who have not reached the retired ages would still be employed. And that means the vacancy of job is few, making the youth feel hard to seek an employment.
Secondly, in terms of the families themselves, population aging creates problems. In china, for example, due to the one-child policy, now it is common to see that each couple has to support at least four older people, say, the wife and husband’s parents. But if their grandparents are involved, the number would be up to 16. What a startling number!
Thirdly, there is a consideration about shortage of creation. Clearly, a society with few young people could lack of new ideas and technology. It is because that young generation is always the pioneers of innovation and revolution. In other words, a higher proportion of older people than young people in a country would probably slow the development of countries.
Given the reasons outlined above, I conclude that it would have many unwanted results if this phenomenon of population aging could not be deterred.
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