Hi Emkoxinh

Thanks for this essay on the Olympics! I definitely think you are definitely improving. How long did it take you to write this - 40 minutes or more?

Ideas

Develop your ideas fully. Give supporting examples. Have a look at the official IELTS descriptors for Task 2 Writing here, under Task Response for Band 5: 'not sufficiently developed.'

You wrote:

The Olympic  games are belived to lose their vital role in 21st century due to financial waste and the exsistence of online games and other international games

This is a topic sentence (the first sentence in the paragraph), so the reader expects that the whole paragraph will be about the ideas in the sentence. However, there is only an unclear repeat of the idea:

Besides, online games in the virtual world somehow overwhelm this type of  occasion.

There is no explanation or development -  do you mean that most people prefer to spend time playing computer games instead of watching the Olympics? It’s a valid (good) point, but you need to explain fully. What do you mean by ‘overwhelm’ – it’s not wrong, but it’s not clear either. You need more information. Perhaps athletes will be able to run the 100 meters by video conference or hologram in future, but not yet.  

Here’s another good idea which is not developed:

Other international games specializing in each kind of sports are attractive as well

Give us more information! What games? You need at least one more sentence giving examples of these international games - do you mean the World Cup? The Davis Cup? The Stanley Cup? The ASEAN Table Tennis Championship?

Shorten and Simplify

Remove unnecessary words:

• The Olympic games are a well-known international event of human. →The Olympic Games are a well-known international event. 

It's a bit obvious. Tell us something we don't know! Add more information to make a more interesting sentence:

The Olympic Games has grown from just 240 athletes in 1896 to the greatest sporting event in the world.

Rewrite

This sentence needs rewriting and needs to be more specific.

• i strongly think that though this event need a certain budget to organise, it still has advantages. →

Here’s one possible rewrite:

I believe that although this event is amazingly expensive, it is a worthwhile celebration of sport, friendship, and human achievement. 

Passive

Try to reduce the use of passives.

• The Olympic  games are belived to lose their vital role in 21^st century due to financial waste and the exsistence of online games and other international games. →
  Some people claim that the Olympics will lose their vital role …
• Revenue for goverments and citizens , thus, are promoted. →
  The Olympics brings billions of dollars of revenue to countries. 

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage/Agreement

• Upgradation → upgrades/upgrading
• olympic games -  Olympic Games
• this event can cements the relationship between countries in the world → can cement

Topic

Emkoxinh –  is this an IELTS topic? Where did you find it? In today’s news (May 23, 2012) Madrid, Istanbul and Tokyo are very excited to be on the shortlist for the 2020 Olympics, while Baku and Doha in Qatar are disappointed to be eliminated. I can’t see any evidence that the Olympics is becoming less important or playing less of a role in sport.

Punctuation

Check your capitals, punctuation and spacing before posting. It's a good habit to get into. Don't leave it until the IELTS test. Punctuation is important. Have a look at the official IELTS descriptors for Task 2 Writing here, under Grammar and Accuracy. If you don't get into the habit of checking it now, you won't remember to do it in the exam.

Overall, well done. The third paragraph is very good. I'm amazed at the word 'telling' -  did you get any help?! Anyway, please keep submitting and improving. Well done!

Thanks Emkoxinh!

You used 'telling' correctly! It's just not a very common word, so that's why I'm impressed. I also liked the example of the Olympic truce in Ancient Greece -  I didn't know about it before. 

Keep up the improvement and the hard work!

Rose2802 is absolutely right about the conclusion.It's pretty horrible, compared to the rest of your essay!

If you have time, could you rewrite just the conclusion and post it here? That would be great. Summarize both sides, give your opinion, and maybe look to the future (London 2012, or world sport and peace in future, or just great sport). Not more than three sentences, and keep the average sentence length short!

It depends.

If you just use the word 'games' you would always use "are" e.g.

The games are held every four years.  

It would sound completely wrong to say "the games is a huge event."   But if you are focusing on the event, rather than the individual games, you can use "is" or "are"

Here's what the London 2012 Olympics use on their site:

The Olympic Games is the biggest sporting event on the planet.  

...but in other places they go plural:

the London 2012 Olympic Games approach 

Wikipedia uses the singular

The Olympic Games is a major international event 

The official Olympic site uses "are" in its 'Origins' page

The ancient Olympic Games were initially a one-day event until 684 BC

So it's up to you really.  

It's a bit like the word 'team' in football. You can say "Manchester City are the greatest team" or "Manchester City is the greatest team ever" -  it depends whether you want to regard them as individuals or as a group.  It's up to you and the context. 

There's a post about it here, but it's not very helpful. Here's a more useful post from English4today.com: 

Is ‘the Olympic Games’ a singular or plural noun? Well, a quick look through some dictionaries shows that it can be treated, just to make it more confusing for you, as either singular or plural which would make using either ‘take’ or ‘takes’ correct.

However, I’m going to throw in my own preference here because the word ‘Games’ is plural and I would personally use the plural form when referring to the ‘Olympic Games’. A matter of choice and how it sounds to your ear it seems! Not very precise but there we are - that is the nature of English.

Finally, here's a more useful explanation, from an online SAT Study Guide:

Some words like the names of countries, diseases, institutions and books may sound plural but they are actually singular nouns. The United States is a singular noun. The measles is a singular noun. For native English speakers, generally if you can put a "The" before the noun and the phrase doesn't sound wrong to you the noun is probably singular. "The World Series", "The Olympics", "The Netherlands" are all examples of singular subjects that look plural.