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Using a computer everyday can have more negative than positive effects on children.Do you agree or disagree?
Nowadays computers are the part of our life.Everyday we use computers by work and personal interests,such as playing various games.The bases of my view are personal and academic.
From my personal point of view,computers are distracted children from reality.The majority of children speculate on computer games and only.It is hard to find a child,who is learning something useful for him.Most of them affect playing games.Sitting on the computer all day will exhaust you and stop working your brain rightly.Of course,you can do whatever you want on the PC,but do not forget about breathing a fresh air.As walking with your maters,comrades,converse with them,joking,fall in love and to frolic.Instead of this things,current children prefer communicate through the Internet,choose rather fall in love and create some silly statuses .Children should live in reality!
From an academic perspective,many schools have started teaching subjects using computers.And we can see each student brings with him laptop,to write some notes during the lecture,share information and do research.Scientists say that computers will be the main stuff in the future.People will not live without them.Provide that child has skills using PC in the right way,it will help him in the future.
In conclusion children are not developing themselves sitting on the computers.Parents should be careful and always look after them,permit them playing PC if it is necessary.Anyway they will be learnt in the future.Children should be very close to the Nature!
Hi there 🙂
There are quite a lot of things that need to be tweaked a little in your essay, but I'll start by addressing the grammar and spelling problems so we'll have a grammatically sound piece to work on. Mistakes are highlighted in yellow and crossed out, and corrections are put between brackets. Anything I add as a suggestion is highlighted in blue.
Nowadays computers are the part of our life. Everyday, we use computers by (FOR) work and personal interests, such as playing various games. The bases of my view are personal and academic.
From my personal point of view, computers are distracted (DISTRACT) children from reality.The majority of children speculate (I don't think you used this word correctly here) on computer games and only. It is hard to find a child, who is learning something useful for him (say THEM instead, because the child can be a boy or a girl!). Most of them (are affected by) affect playing games. Sitting on the computer (this seems to be a common mistake. You should say: sitting AT the computer or sitting IN FRONT of the computer) all day will exhaust you and stop working your brain rightly (your point about exhaustion is valid but you cannot say that using computers too much will stop your brain from working correctly, as there's no medical proof for this yet!). Of course, you can do whatever you want on the PC, but do not forget about breathing a fresh air (you can't use 'a' with air! You can say: taking a breath of fresh air, for example). As walking with your maters, comrades, converse with them,joking,fall in love and to frolic (It'll be much better if you remove this sentence entirely). Instead of this (THESE) things, current children (correct this! You can't use 'current' with children!) prefer (to) communicate through the Internet, choose rather fall in love and create some silly statuses (No need for this one either. Remember that when you're writing an essay for IELTS, you're supposed to use strictly academic writing, even when you're expressing your personal opinions! Never write anything that you wouldn't write, say, in a college essay you'll give to your lecturer). Children should live in reality!
From an academic perspective, many schools have started teaching subjects using computers. And we can see each student brings with him laptop (Say: bringing their laptops, because, again, this student could be male or female), to write some notes during the lectures, share information and do research. Scientists say that computers will be the main stuff (you must never use this words in an essay because it's not only vague but also informal) in the future. People will not live without them. Provided that the child has the skills they need for using PCs in the right way, it will help him or her in the future. (I've done what I could to improve that last sentence, but it still needs to be re-written).
In conclusion, children are not developing themselves sitting on the computers (refer to the correction I gave above). Parents should be careful and always look after them, permit them playing PC if it is necessary. Anyway they will be learnt in the future. Children should be very close to the Nature!
Okay, so I've done the best I could to correct the grammatical mistakes, but your piece needs some serious rewriting. Try finding some academic essays online or in books/magazines so that you can get used to their style and structure.
On a last note, don't forget to put a single space after ALL commas and full-stops.
8:54 pm
Hi Ainurik and welcome to Writefix! Thanks for adding your country - it's great to have you here. Most people don't add their country so it's a challenge to guess where they come from. Sometimes they give it away in their writing, or in an example.
AbsentCrisis has done an amazing job with the grammar. I agree with all the suggestions. Really great work!
I am just going to make a few suggestions about organization and ideas.
Your essay is 264 words long, which is fine, and has an average sentence length of 12.57, which is very good. Your vocabulary is very simple, apart from some wrong choices like 'frolic,' 'speculate,' or 'maters,' but you have a lot of word form errors (you have the right word, but the wrong form of it), and a lot of weaknesses with prepositions. Try to keep your vocabulary quite simple: don't try to make it more complicated yet.
Layout
Your second paragraph is about the negative side of computers for children, and your third paragraph is about the positive side. I would change this order. Generally, in a four paragraph essay with two sides, it's a good idea to put side you agree with in the third paragraph, like this:
- Intro: situation/background
- Yes I computers can be useful for three reasons: A, B, and C
- However children should not use them too much because X, Y, and Z
- Conclusion: computers can be OK but I think children should not use them too much
In your introduction, you need a thesis sentence. You wrote:
The bases of my view are personal and academic.
I think I understand it, but it could be clearer. Use a simpler word than 'bases.' Here's a possible rewrite:
In this essay I will give some academic uses of computers for children, but I will also disagree with children spending too much leisure time using computers.
Yes, it's a long sentence, but your average is very short. You need a mix. The thesis sentence tells the reader the order your are going to write in. It helps the reader to predict what is coming. You can read more about Thesis sentences here.
Ideas
Your third paragraph is a lot shorter than Paragraph Two. Try to balance your essay. It's a bit vague as well: Absent Crisis already comment on the word 'stuff.' You could also relate paragraph this to children more - it's a bit general.
Coherence and Linking Words
It's good to add a few words to show progression in your essay. Add a few of these:
- First of all /First,
- Another point is that...
- Another problem with computers is that...
- A second benefit of computers is that...
- Computers can also help children by..
Your style is nice and informal. Don't try changing it too much: just aim for more accuracy first! Before you post again, run your essay through Microsoft Word or some of the online readability tools at the top of this page.
Again, thanks for the essay, and a big thanks also to Absent Crisis!
thank you for your advices 🙂 I posted my re-writing essay.Check it out 🙂
Computers are one of the important thing in our life. It always participates in our various life. Everyday everyone use computers for different interests. We use them for work, for our personal interests. Nowadays basically only children and adults over 16 years old such as students often use PC. Of course students use them or preparing a reports or to learn something curiosity. In this essay I will give academic uses of computers for children, but I will also disagree with children spending too much leisure time using computers.
First of all, I think computers can be useful for three reasons. Firstly, it helps people explore the world around them. For instant, children who use Internet to learn different topics, sooner becoming independent learners. Secondly, from nowadays most school started teaching subjects using computer, owing to it children are going to have more technical skills. We can see each student bringing their laptops to write notes during lectures, share information and do research. Lastly, PCs are found in every kind of office. In the future, companies will demand from employee skills of using computers well. Therefor kids who have already learnt how to use computer rightly, it will be easy for them in the future.
On the other hand, kids should not play computer every time. It seems to me that they need to spend all their free time hanging out with friends, to read more books, newspapers and listen to radio. I like the way of living our parents and grandparents did in the past. Due to those times, children used to evolve better than nowadays. So, parents should be a little bit strict to their kids, permit to spend all their time with computer. They should be careful and always look after them. Kids need to be close to the Nature!
In the end I would like to add that, computers can be OK but I think children should not use them too much!
326 words!
3:54 pm
Hi Ainurik
Thanks for rewriting your essay.
I would try to do the folllowing:
- Have a shorter intro: Your introduction is 89 words, which is almost 30% of your essay. Just give a quick intro and try to keep it around 50-60 words.
- Try to keep your paragraphs an even size. Your third paragraph is very short compared to Paragraph 2 or the intro.
- Save something for the conclusion: Your conclusion is too short! It's also a little too informal ('OK').
- Reduce the overall number of words: Aim for 300 words or so.
Your organization is fine, but try to see in your next essay if you could leave out some sentences. Don't rush into the writing: think what you really want to have in each paragraph.
Looking forward to seeing another essay from your soon!
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