In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, whille others consider it as valuable work experience. important for learning and taking responsibility. (kind of a fragment, and the sentence is so long.  Change the comma to a dot. It is also important to learn and take responsibility) What are your opinoins on this? (The thesis sentence is not good. Here is my rewrite. In this essay, I would like to discuss whether it is good for youths to have a paid job and give my own perspective.

In many countrires, children earn their pocket-money by undertaking some work that they are capable of. However, this phenomenon turns into a frequent topic of discussion—whether it has a positive impact on children or not? (It is good to change the question mark to dot.) (It is useless to have another paragraph, you can change this sentence to your thesis sentence.)People who strongly oppose this mainly concern about time devoted to the work. If children spend too much time doing (to complete, too...to...)their work, the time for curriculum, which should be given the priority to, would be sacrificed. (It is a fragment, you lost me) As a result, their attention will (would will be better) be distracted from classes to earning money. The result that their academic lifelives would be influenced by working is the last thing their parents want to see.

However, taking some work within their abilities does help the psychological health of for children. Currently, most families tend to have less children and some may even be single-parent families (my rewrite: most families are nuclear households.); therefore, children are likely to be spoiled by their parents. Reflecting in their poor tolerance of pressure and lack of responsibility. From plenty examples of children having part-time jobs, we can find that the child, in effect, can grow more mature psychologically by doing such work. (Here is my rewrite: For instance, a majority of adolesecents who have part-time jobs are able to become psychological mature)

Personally, I think children could become beneficiary of benefit from the paid work, as long as they keep themselves in the correct track. After experiencing the diversity of life in the work work experiences, some children may develop a biased that their work experience and money are of the most importantce for thing led to their future well-being.(Your sentence is toooooooooooo long) Under such an occasion, the role of parents will be indispensable. (Parents are indisensable.) They should help the children get an overall understanding of what they are really expected to learn from the paid work( the ability of interrelationship, and the management of time and their own money).

In conclusion, I believe the advantages of the paid work overweigh its disadvantages to a large extend, especially when the appropriate guidance from parents are received. (There is no need to write this paragraph)

Hey, Katherine, I m not good in writing part. I found some problems in ur essay. Actually, you have some small spell mistakes, and the grammer mistakes is frequent come out. Your sentences r way too long, just like what I did before. Cut it down, it will led to the huge grammer problems. The opinion is not well orginized. The readers would be too tired to find the 1, 2, 3 point, maybe you should write a word as a hint, like in the first place, secondly.

I hope my comment is helpful to you. Come on, hope you can achieve good score in Ielts.