Hi Helloworld, ‘Essays,’ and Shieiuan!

Thanks for this essay Helloworld and a big thanks for the comments, Essays and Shieiuan!

I think 'Essays' and Shieiuan have identified the main points. As 'Essays' says, the writing overall is nice -  by that I think (and I agree) that she means it is easy to read, sentence structures are correct, and the sentences flow easily from one to the other.

However, there are two main weaknesses  - your topic sentences in both paragraphs need some work and you are short of ideas in your second paragraph (the first paragraph in the body).  You could also develop or support some of your ideas more fully.

Topic Sentences

You wrote:

To begin with, I should point out that the modern communication tools indeed have a substantial negative influence on letter writing.

This is OK, but as ‘Essays’ said it could be shorter. Here are two possible rewrites:

To begin with, modern methods of communication have indeed had a negative influence on letter writing.  OR

Modern ways of communicating have indeed resulted in a decline in letter writing. 

In Paragraph Three, you wrote

As a result, fewer would choose to write letters when they have the need to communication with others. Nevertheless, this would not cause that the traditional skill of letter writing completely disappear in our daily life. The unique features of writing letters are irreplaceable to some extent. 

The first sentence here is really more of a conclusion to the previous paragraph. I would agree with Shieiuan and go straight to the idea of the paragraph:

However, I believe letter writing will not completely disappear.   OR

However, hand-written letters have some unique characteristics which I think cannot be replaced by emails or text messages.

Ideally, topic sentences should be short and specific and help the reader to know what is coming in the paragraph.   

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

(Some of these have already been spotted by Shieiuan and 'Essays')

• The emergence of modern mobile phones and computers has changed the way people communicating a lot.  → communicate
   
• People, in the past, had no choice but writing letters to each other →People in the past had no choice but to write letters to each other
   
• People prefer to send text messages and hope for a quick reply rather than get out a people of paper →People prefer to send text messages and hope for a quick reply rather than get out a pad/sheet/piece of paper
   
• fewer would choose to write letters when they have the need to communication with others→…the need to communicate with others.  

Cohesion and Linking

• However, people can send a message or make a phone call at any time anywhere → However, these days people can send a message or make a phone call anytime and anywhere

You wrote:

However, these days people can send a message or make a phone call anytime and anywhere. In my opinion, this would not result in the complete disappearance of the traditional skill of letter writing

You need to mark the change in direction more clearly. Here’s one possible rewrite:

Despite this ease of instant communication, however, I don’t think the traditional skills of letter writing will disappear.

Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Cohesion

Ideas

Make sure your ideas are fully supported. You have a good idea and a good sentence here:

 For instance, a letter is more likely to be kept by people who receive it because it is memorable. 

But why not explain more about why a letter is more memorable than an email or phone call? This is a good opportunity to add one or two sentences to support your idea fully.

You wrote:

And also, writing emails by computers, a very important way for modern communication, stills needs the skill of letter writing and the major difference between emails and letters is the form of writing-writing on paper or in computer.

This is an interesting point. What is the difference exactly? We are right at the end of the essay, and you raise the most interesting or important point of the essay!  What do you mean by the form of writing?  Is the language the same? Is the experience or the feeling the same.

It’s a very long sentence (a 38-word monster) and it would be much better to break it up.

Shorten/Simplify

Here’s your 38-word monster!

And also, writing emails by computers, a very important way for modern communication, stills needs the skill of letter writing and the major difference between emails and letters is the form of writing-writing on paper or in computer.

There are two main ideas here:

• We still need the skill of writing
• Writing an email is almost the same as writing a letter

Try to have only one main idea per sentence. Here’s one possible rewrite, with separate sentences and both ideas developed slightly:

In any case, writing is still a vital skill. In fact, we probably write more than previous generations, with our text messages, emails, and office reports. However, the style of writing in a letter is different from the style of a text message or email. We have more time to choose our words, and we spend more time to make them personal to the recipient. (65 words, 4 sentences, average 15.3 words per sentence)

Ideas

In Paragraph Two, you have a sentence about phone calls, a sentence about text messages and a sentence about emails. They are all a little similar -  really just minor versions of the same idea.   

Shieiuan has correctly identified that there is some repetition of ideas in Paragraph Two. She does something clever by removing the repetition and adding in a summary “As can be seen, people are becoming impatient….”

‘Essays’ on the other hand suggests simply that you need more ideas. She suggests the romance of receiving a hand written letter, and the importance of hand writing. There are others – the choice of paper, the appreciation for the time spent, the wonderful opportunity that letters offer for people to reflect on what they read and write, the beauty and personal nature of handwriting, and so on.

So make sure you have enough ideas and examples and your essay will be stronger!